Men and women are extremely different, and not just because of the (as-yet-unexplained) dissimilarity of their genitalia.

  • One gender is brutish and takes what he pleases when it pleases him, and the other, shockingly, is women.
  • One seems gentler, softer, and with breasts that are supposed to be there, and the other is (relatively healthy) men.
  • One is called ‘The King of His Domain” because sometimes he makes a crown out of a cereal box to wear around the house just because he feels like it, and the other is often referred to as ‘The Fairer Sex” because they will choose to have sex with you if you plead your case well, which it must be said is very fair and just of them.

But let me tell you something: I'm through with men!

Thanks a lot guys, but you've driven me to the other side. Now I'm a lesbian, a lover solely of women.

Honestly, I've taken all I can from those animals, and as a heterosexual man that's saying something. Those pigs have pushed me to breaking point, so I've decided that the only option is for me to switch sides and become a lesbian. It's women for me from now on thank you very much, fellas.

Men just don't make sense to me anymore. Maybe they never did. I naively thought I had them all figured out, but I was blinded by their charms and offers of unconditional mateship. I’ve found out the hard way that this so-called “mateship” is a complete scam, containing plenty of conditions and caveats.

For instance, if you're out drinking with them, men always expect you to get the next round of beers even if you already got a round several hours before. They never want to discuss anything meaningful, like if they were forced to, which women at the bar they would have sex with, marry or murder, and the method they would choose for the crime and perhaps a good alibi if they can think one up (I’ve got a really good one at the ready). Men are also endlessly offering you their hand to shake even though you already shook their hand last week!

All men seem to be after the same thing: women. They won't stop going on about how it's 2am and they really should be getting home to their girlfriends and wives. They make me sick! Can't they stop thinking with their dicks for one single second and consider my wish to continue partying with young babes until the sun comes up? Well thanks a lot guys, but you've driven me to the other side. Now I'm a lesbian, a lover solely of women, and you have no one to blame but yourselves and maybe also your selfish spouses.

I suppose I just “get” women more. When they talk about all the small penises of the guys they've slept with (I assume) or generally gossip and cackle loudly over a bottle of wine, I wanna know what they're cackling about so that I too can cackle and share personal information that has been entrusted to me, like the time my friend Randal got a vasectomy then his wife got pregnant, but during divorce proceedings he found out that the vasectomy had been botched and it was his kid all along! Hahaha! Cheers, ladies!

Of course, there are always stick-in-the-mud females who frown upon this kind of behavior, but I've decided that they will be unattractive to me and I will frown upon them in turn. Unless they're really hot. That might sound shallow, but what can I say? I didn’t choose to be a lesbian… actually, yes I did choose, but that doesn’t make me any less of one, now does it? If you answered yes, you’re probably an MRA, you piece of shit.

To be quite frank, I've always been attracted to females, in a way. We just seem to click, every one of them and I. They laugh politely at my repertoire of vulgar jokes, will give me their digits readily (though one thing I've noticed is that they are forgetful, rarely remembering their own phone numbers correctly, the silly bitches) and they always thoughtfully hold the office door or elevator open for me when I'm sprinting towards them yelling, “WAIT! HOLD THE DOOR!”

I also like the way women smile, though they rarely seem to do so whilst looking at me, I envy their naturally hairless bodies (seriously ladies, you should be so grateful for this), and yes, I did go through a period of experimenting a little with women in college. Turns out it wasn't just a phase, Mom!

This was no small decision on my part. I labored over it for a good hour or so last night, wondering what this lifestyle change would do to me, how it would effect both my family and those I actually care about, but then I thought, “Ah, fuck 'em!”

Finally, and most importantly, women are naturally better lovers than men. Though I've never really considered having sex with a man, I bet it wouldn't be as good as with a woman. That's just my personal opinion as a lesbian, though.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.