By contributing writer Aaron Spetner

You see it in the news every other day. “Americans Too Fat” or “Obesity a Big Problem” or “Senator Jones is a Big Fat Liar”. Do headlines like this bother you? They should, because they are in the way of more amusing news headlines, such as “Mother Cuts off Own Ear to Punish Children” or “Giant Asteroid Headed for Canada” or “Canadian Prime Minister to Speak in Public”. These are the news items we should be involving ourselves in, not the obesity of Americans.

Now before I start making fun of people, let me add that I, myself have a weight problem, so I do understand what it is like for those individuals who are horizontally challenged. I take care of my weight problem by starving myself every few weeks. But this is not about me. This is about headlines which mention fat people. Who gives journalists the right to discuss such sensitive issues? How would you like it if for no reason, stories about you started appearing in the paper? You would probably enjoy it. Fame is good once in a while. But that is not my point. My point is that we should all be making more money. But this article is not about that either. This article is about America’s weight problem as a whole (note the letter “w”. Holes don’t weigh anything).

Fat, single men don't need a girlfriend to experience this.

The first step to dealing with any problem is to analyze the source. Many people argue over the source of the obesity issue, with some blaming it on fast food chains, some blaming it on ordinary food chains, and others blaming it on the fact that chains are not food, and are probably detrimental to our digestive system. I, however think that people are going about this in the wrong manner. I think the source is the media. They are the ones who made this a problem in the first place. Is it wrong to eat? Is it wrong to grow so large that you require two airline seats? Is it wrong to demand that the airline only charge you for one seat? These are not questions I am going to answer, because I don’t think airplanes should have seats. They should just sedate the passengers before the flight and strap them onto shelves. The obese would require two shelves and special straps (available at an additional price).

The second step to dealing with problems that do not concern you (like this one, for example, should you not be fat) is to put yourself in shoes of the troubled one. This way, you can understand how they feel. The only issue here is that the shoes are probably too big for you. Therefore, I will give you some tips on how to become fat.

First of all, you need candy. No gum, just candy with sugar. This is for between meals. For breakfast, I suggest a “sugar-frosted-sugar” cereal. These usually come in brightly colored boxes and have cartoon characters on the back. Eat three or four bowls every morning, using chocolate milk instead of regular milk. Lunch and supper should be something fried with something else fried on the side. Don’t forget dessert! Also, donuts, bread and soda should be included with every meal. Keep this diet up and you will be fat in no time.

Now that you are fat, you can look at the issue from a more tolerant angle. You now see what it is like to have to buy bigger clothes. You now know what it is like to have to move slower. You are probably filing a lawsuit against me. That is fine. Do you honestly think that your case will stand up against me in court? Why don’t you spill some scalding hot coffee on your lap? That’s sure to win you some cash too. I’ll tell you what. Go ahead and sue me. I am waiting. My lawyer says you have no case. Wait, no, he is shaking his head. What’s that Bill? Stop writing??? Why? What’s wrong? I think these people need some good advice, and I am giving it to them. Why would I be sorry? I thought you said they had no case. Yes you did, you said no judge would rule in my favor. What’s that? A jury with 12 overweight individuals who have hot coffee injuries? Oh…

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.