I'm white so this is bound to come off as racist, but really it's ethnocentric. If you need to look that up, you're probably black. Haha, just fucking with you. Don't worry, Jesus will get me back in the afterlife.

10. Jesus was in a street gang.

The Apostles were the world's finest street gang/posse. They chose the name Apostles because their first name, The Baker's Dozen, wasn't badass enough. You'd think that, being in a gang with a name like Jesus, he might have been Hispanic, but Jesus wasn't the type to carry a switchblade or mow a lawn, which leads to number nine.

9. Jesus didn't have a job.

He just hung out with his boys hustling money out of his "great new business venture" that had a healthy serving of alcohol and was actually detrimental to his own society. Being black-owned, Jesus' business didn't take off until white people got their hands on it and realized they could sucker hundreds of millions of people into forfeiting their choices during life. I guess Jesus was right, the first was last.

8. Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at the Inn.

Scene from SWEET MOTHER MARY BROWN starring Pam Grier.

JOSEPH (Antonio Fargas)

So there is no room left at the Inn?

INN KEEPER (Peter Brown)

That's what I said.

WHITE FAMILY walks up.

WHITE FATHER (Quentin Tarantino)

Hey, we just got in from a long trip. Shoot, it's disappointing to find out that there is no room at the Inn.

INN KEEPER (Peter Brown)


No. No. Right this way sir.

(Leading the WHITE FAMILY to their room. To INN KEEPER'S ASSISTANT under his breath)

Show Baby Momma and Daddy to the stable.

7. Jesus hung out with pimps and hookers on occasion.

Black Jesus holding a lamb and a caneHe always felt that where he was going was ultimately better than where they were going, but he understood what they were about and the hardships of their lives. In Matthew, Jesus said, "You know it's hard out there for a pimp."

Also, the only time a white man hangs out with a pimp or a hooker is when he's beating or fucking a hooker.

6. The Apostles were thirteen grown men that acted like they'd never had sex.


I don't know what that bitch is talking about. That can't be my baby. I've never had sex. Honestly, Maury, I've never had sex, and none of the guys I hang out with have ever had sex.


He's lying, Maury. Some of his friends have been married before.


Shut up, bitch. You don't know them.

5. Jesus loved fried chicken and watermelon.

I'm pretty sure it says that someplace in Revelation. I think right before he comes back, when somebody gets between him and his fried chicken and angry for only the second time ever, he throws a watermelon rind down, spits out the seeds, and raises the dead.

4. All of Jesus' best material was released after he died.

Tupac tried really hard to top this guy but he couldn't. I have a feeling they both smoked the same amount of weed though, which brings me to number three.

3. Jesus was the best at acquiring food after getting high.

This came in particularly handy for feeding ten thousand people. Getting high isn't necessarily just a black thing, but having the ancient version of 7-11's Mid-Eastern owner watching him the entire time he miraculously put enough bread and fish into his pants to feed ten thousand is. He was high as a muthafucka that day.

Scene from Academy (of Mid-South-West) Award-nominated PRECIOUS JESUS

JESUS walks into mud hut in Bethlehem Projects.

MARY (Mo'Nique)

Jesus, where did you get that food?


Momma, it was a miracle. God gave it to me. I mean, I'm god and I gave it to me.

MARY (Mo'Nique)

Precious, don't give me that shit…

(MARY throws potted plant at PRECIOUS JESUS, knocks out JESUS and takes food)

Give me that shit, I'm hungry. Mmmmmm. Mmmmmm. I love me some fish and bread.

2. Michael Jackson was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

The two had too much in common. Both were child prodigies who missed their teenage years while travelling the country performing for thousands and affecting millions of lives. Michael was named the "King of Pop." Jesus was named the "King of Kings." And they both grew up to become white people associated with the sexual assault of minors. It was a match made in heaven. The only difference between them is that Michael's lynch mob wasn't able to nail him down, which leads to number one.

1. Jesus got lynched.

Black Jesus' feet below him being lynched with a gold shoe
At least they were nice enough not to scuff the shoes.
First off, the only white people who get unjustly lynched are gay, and as we established, Jesus wasn't gay, he just wasn't the daddy (it was actually Judas's). So, Jesus had to be black because he got lynched and he wasn't chopping up little kids and storing them under his tent, according to the Gospel. In fact, the only thing that doesn't seem black about Jesus is the fact that after they hung him up on that crossed tree they actually cared about him. But that was only after they changed the color of his skin and gave him blue eyes.

So that's the conclusion of the list. Jesus, if he still exists, is now chillin', not in heaven, but with Jackie Wilson and Sam Cooke, in Thugz Mansion.

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