As I approach 25, I realize I know less and less about what I want my future to look like. But if there’s one thing that I know for sure, it’s that kids would seriously fuck it all up for me. At least anytime in the near future.
I decided to take the leap that many women in commercials have taken that have led me to believe I, too, will soon be twirling in a sundress on my way to a date with a handsome lawyer. I’m getting an IUD, the little t-shaped medical miracle that goes right into my uterus for 3-10 years. (That’s right: YEARS, GUYS.) I’ve scheduled myself an appointment, and I’m doing the damn thing.
3:00 PM
I’m feeling grateful to myself for scheduling an appointment so I can get out of work early. I’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved up my fingernails than be here. Or a plastic or copper wire pushed into my uterus. Same difference, really.
3:15 PM
Okay, I’m starting to feel a little nervous about the insertion part of it. I think I’ll call my mom.
3:22 PM
Mom didn’t help. I don’t think she understands what goes into inserting an IUD. Does she know what IUDs are? Did they have that as an option back then?
3:28 PM
What if one fateful day, I sneeze just a little too hard and the copper wire just punctures right through my uterine wall, making me bleed internally until I go into shock and have to be taken to the emergency room with only minutes left to live? How does one recover from something like that? I think I’ll look it up.
3:36 PM
Okay, okay. I’m fine. Death is a risk, but I won’t think about that. Death isn’t that bad. I’ll just focus on literally anything else. Hm. That couple looks happy. I wonder why he accompanied his girl to her appointment? Are they having their first child together? Is he worried that she’ll find a sexy gynecologist and run away with him/her if he’s not there? Is she just as terrified as I am to be there alone? Will I die alone
3:40 PM
It’s fine. I’M FINE. I’ll find a partner someday. This is worth it. A few moments of pain, 10 years of no child-birthing. That’s the trade-off. That’s the dream. Sex with no kids. No worries. I’m also painfully single so it’s not like I’m a high risk or anything, but still.
3:42 PM
Oh, fuck. They just called my name. I have to do it now.
3:45 PM
The cup they have me to pee into is the exact cups my office uses at the water cooler. Is that sanitary?
3:57 PM
I wonder if they think that these canvas prints of a sun setting over the ocean are actually soothing to the patients that are in here. I don’t feel better looking at them. I just feel like I’d literally rather be anywhere else. The beach would be nice. My bed. Or hell…back at work, even.
4:05 PM
Oh my god ohmygodohmygod THEY’RE COMING IN. It’s time. I might mention jokingly how scared I am to do this and maybe they’ll go ahead decide I’m not ready for this. Can I call my mom real quick?
4:06 PM
Yeah, no…there’s no turning back now. I am signing the waiver that says I’m willingly putting myself through this torture. I’m glad there’s written proof now. Cool.
4:09 PM
Okay, this isn’t so bad. She’s kind of chatty. I’ll just sit here with my cervix pried wide open for an uncomfortable amount of time while they take their sweet time opening up the little package. It’s cool, take your sweet time.
4:10 PM
Okay, she can hurry up and just do the god damn job because this is getting so uncomfORTABLE HOLY SHIT THIS HURTS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
4:11 PM
That was it. It’s over. I didn’t pass out in pain. Or did I, and I’m just hallucinating?
4:12 PM
I should call my mom. I don’t think she cares that I was going in for a routine procedure, but in case she was concerned, I want her to know that I did indeed survive, even though there were definitely moments that I really wished I was dead. She’d want to know. Just in case.
4:13 PM
Now I actually need to go out and date somebody or something.
4:14 PM
Fuck.