A few months ago, I got an underground lead on the screenname of Briana Banks, first-rate pornstar (no doubt many of you are familiar with her acting). With childish excitement reminiscent of the dawn of SmarterChild, I immediately tapped “Setup” and added her to my buddy list.

“What is it like to chat with a celebrity pornstar WITHOUT PAYING?!” I thought. My imagination ran wild with possible scenarios. But more than anything, I just wanted to get a glimpse of the REAL Briana. The life BEHIND all the pornstar glam, naked caviar lunches, and 360 closeup ana—okay, well you get the point. I wanted to please HER for once, show her there is hope that people might actually be appreciative of her work even after pushing “open/close” on their DVD players…perhaps even engage her in some good old-fashioned HUMOR.

(PG-13 pictures are hard to come by on the Internet.)

Days and weeks went by… still no Briana. I began to wonder if she would ever sign on. Granted, her forte is probably not typing, but she had to have made at least a few films where she played a secretary, right?

And then, just when I was about to sign off on the whole mission, BAM. There she was, totally exposed to the world online! Not a new position for her, but I was in the right place at the right time…so to speak.

Presenting, “Briana Banks: Impromptu Exposé”

courtjester49: Hey Briana, I adore all your movies!
brixo78: name?
courtjester49: I'm Court, from the college humor site Pointsincase.com.
courtjester49: You know college kids are very keen on your work…
brixo78: do you have nude photos?
courtjester49: Sure don't!
courtjester49: I'm sure you have plenty already.
brixo78: why dont you have any
courtjester49: That's a good question, I've never been good in front of the camera.
courtjester49: Usually it's just what comes out of my mouth that's shy, if you know what I mean.
courtjester49: Haha.
courtjester49: Right, so anyway…
brixo78: you should take some and show me
courtjester49: Are you looking for extras on the set?
courtjester49: I can play with a fire hose in the background or something if it adds to the mood.
brixo78sure, if you show me lots of pics
brixo78: with you in different positions
brixo78: and if you can get a video in there, it'd be great
courtjester49: Wow, all that just for the fire hose part?
courtjester49: You're too dedicated Briana!
courtjester49: So what movie are you working on now?
brixo78: nothing at the moment
courtjester49: What do you do in your spare time then?
courtjester49: Can I find you in the club, bottle full of bub?
brixo78 signed off at 10:20:01 PM.

brixo78 signed on at 10:21:21 PM.
courtjester49: That must have been a quickie.
brixo78: yeah
brixo78: so when are you going to get me nudies?
courtjester49: It's a little chilly outside and I just got out of the pool, you'll have to give me few minutes 🙂

brixo78: take the pictures on your bed
courtjester49: My bed isn't made up right now, I'd be embarrassed.
In the meantime, our readers are very interested to know if you will be pursuing any serious dramas in the near future?
courtjester49: Kind of like after Jim Carrey did all those goofy movies and then jumped into The Truman Show.
courtjester49: Any plans to step out of porn?

brixo78: not anytime soon
courtjester49: Which actor/actress would you like to work with if you could?
leonardo dicaprio, george clooney, mel gibson, vince vaughn, christina applegate, courntey cox, johnny depp, and #1 of all would be JONATHAN BRANDIS, but he died 🙁
courtjester49: That was a tragic suicide indeed, I'm sure you two would've made a dynamic couple.
brixo78: i doubt it
brixo78: i'm a porn star, remember
courtjester49: Okay okay, keep your clothes on for a minute.
courtjester49: Now…have you ever considered an all-star porn featuring several leading ladies from different companies?

brixo78: it's been done
courtjester49: I'm talking NO EXTRAS.
brixo78: gotta run watch the simple life
brixo78: byee
courtjester49: Okay, tell Paris I said hi!
brixo78 signed off at 10:37:45 PM.
courtjester49: Whore.

So what have we all learned about Briana Banks?

1) She is really, really horny.

Even in real life. I mean, come on…if you're a pornstar, do you really need any MORE NUDE PICTURES?? That's like me posting an AIM Convo and then coming home and chatting with people for fun. YOU JUST DON'T….DO…….it… Right, hmm.

2) She's got the sex thing down to a minute and 20 seconds.

Not bad, considering that includes sign off/preparation/sex/cleanup/sign on time.

3) She is capable of advanced IM tasks like changing her font and color.

Not sure what this means, other than the second font kinda fit the whole delicate, seductive pornstar image better. Wait, did I just call her “delicate?” I meant, impenetrable. Damn, wrong word again. I think it starts with an “F.” Ah, fuck it.

4) She is intensely jealous of Paris Hilton.

More to the point, she watches TV.

Add these four things up ladies and gentlemen, and you've got THE SIMPLE LIFE OF A PORNSTAR: SEX, SEX, HOT CHATS, AND TV.

Oh, download's done, gotta go.

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Standup Joke Writing starts Jan 25 and Writing Satire for the Internet starts Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.