Good evening, Citizens of America, this is your President, Barack Obama. I have assembled this press conference to address the events that I just found out took place last night. While many leaders would sweep catastrophes like this under the rug and pretend they never happened, I feel it is my obligation to address the elephant in the room. Hillary Clinton, that is.

I'm sorry. I just want to apologize for the events that unfolded during the Presidential Party Friday night. I understand it was a time for Republicans, Democrats, and the media to socialize and interact, but no one expected the punch to be quite so strong. I think we can all agree that things escalated a bit too quickly and no one is to blame. But I do want to personally apologize for my actions.

First, I should apologize for yelling indiscriminately. I can't tell you what motivated me to unleash a whole host of derogatory slurs and inappropriate language, other than perhaps half-white guilt. As the only direct recipient of my nasty verbal outbursts, I would like to personally apologize to Senator John McCain for my actions. I should never have sung "We are the Champions" in your face, nor should I have continually referred to you as "Numero Dos" the entire night. I'm also sorry for telling you to go back to POW camp, and for continually slapping your wife's ass.

I next reach out to Hillary Clinton. Senator Clinton and I have maintained a cordial relationship throughout the 2008 electoral race, and I hope she took none of my comments to heart. I have talked to Senator Clinton personally and she said she disregarded the comments concerning her weight, attitude, and general revolting appearance. I would also like to publicly apologize for mentioning Monica Lewinski. I have the utmost respect for Hillary, and I hope that our relationship has not been irreparably damaged as a result of my reference to her "dirty monkey taint."

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton drinking beers and shots

I would next like to address the drinking games that unfolded throughout the night. I realize that the USA chant is a strong sign of patriotism in America, and using a chant like that during a keg stand is very unprofessional. I also realize that although Vice President Biden and I were running mates and share strong political views, that gives us no right to name our beer pong team "The Salad Tossers," regardless of how clearly we dominated 7 of 8 games, two of which were shutouts.

It was when gin and Hennessy were substituted for beer that the party truly escalated. I would like to apologize for taking my shirt off and hosting body shots for the entire House of Representatives. In retrospect, I admit that I should never have done that. I would also like to reach out to reporter Marissa Scothe. During the party, Marissa politely reminded us that we were not allowed to dance on the Oval Office desk, and I apologize for getting in her face and continually yelling "YES WE CAN!"

I would next like to apologize to Michael Steele for my actions. I had no right to flash gang signs and continually ask "where da hood at," nor did I have the authority to demand that the Secret Service search him for narcotics. I would also like to apologize for throwing him against the wall and asking him if he could "smell what Barack is cooking."

Keg costume with smiley face
Obama in costume on the White House lawn, just before passing out in the morning.
Furthermore, my heart goes out to the family of news reporter Nicholas Andron, who lost his life in last night's escapades. It was wrong for me to suggest swimming in the White House pool, and equally uncharacteristic of me to become so competitive during the chicken fighting. Rest assured I will pay homage to all those affected by the loss of Nicholas, and from this point on, skinny dipping on White House property will be considered treason.

Lastly, I apologize to you, America. It was an honor to be elected president of this great nation, and I am ashamed for having abused that privilege. When I awoke the following morning next to my wife Michelle, Joe Biden, Bill Clinton, and some girl named "Candy," I was deeply ashamed of my actions. I hope that you can forgive me, and let me remind you how honored I am to be your president.

Thank you,
President Barack Obama

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