Stocks Sag Under Weight of the World

By staff writer Court Sullivan

NEW YORK, NY — Industry-wide stocks took a sixth nosedive in two weeks during late trading and heavy rains Tuesday. This time, Wall Street analysts say a sudden increase in atmospheric pressure during a collision between a cold front and even colder investors in New York City are to blame.

“This presents a truly unique opportunity to buy those stocks that have been beaten up by none other than Nature Herself,” according to Merrill Lynch financial advisor Tom Gibbens. “Barring some sort of additional barometric pressure from the buildup of cumulonimbus clouds, investor's are looking at bargain basement prices crashing all the way to the storm-cellar.”

Weather Channel meteorologists say they are not aware of any atmospheric effects on stocks. Senior meteorologist Gerald Thompson was particularly outraged. “This is ridiculous! There's no such thing as barometric pressure from cumulonimbus clouds! What are they talking about?! Next thing you know, my wife will be buying stocks because some fool at Morgan Stanley tells her gravity has let up a little!”

Above: New Yorkers flee for cover amid atmospheric pressure warnings from Wall Street analysts.

Indeed, many analysts are encouraging investors to bear the extra weight and beef up their portfolios immediately, citing historically large gravitational stock bouncebacks. “Typically, once the cold front passes, most stocks are going to be stronger for having endured this sort of ‘atmospheric workout.' However, many small-caps have been known to collapse under the pressure, so I would stick with the mid-large caps that have traditionally ‘weathered the storm,' so to speak.”

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