I feel like I need to prelude this article with a serious note about a touchy subject. Although it doesn't need to be said, it should be said. Rape is not a laughing matter. The fact that such a heinous act exists, let alone is performed, serves as one of the darkest examples of the depth of depravity the human species is capable of.

I believe I can speak for all comedians in saying that comedy is a tool we use to cope with situations that are painful or traumatic. It helps us approach and deal with events and ideas that would cripple us emotionally or mentally. So please don't take offense, even though it may seem that we are going out of our way to offend.

In order to justify this breach of the fourth wall I feel it necessary to volunteer the very personal fact that I have been raped before in my life. I know it is cliché to say I think it was partly my fault, but it honestly was. Sometimes in desperation you find yourself dealing with unsavory people in situations you would never find yourself in under normal circumstances. But I was young and stupid. I have learned from my mistakes and will never use Ticketmaster again. Thank you for reading and for having a sense of humor.

Imagine if you're Columbus, sailing halfway across the globe just to stick your dick into an unwilling people's collective asshole. When I think of the end of days and all of the sings presented to us, I can't help but take biblical prophecies and apply them to events of our human history. But before we jump to the end let's start at the beginning. I'll set the scene.

Fade in to a beautiful garden. Hot naked dude is busy being awesome cutting down trees with his erect penis. Enter woman with a bitch face. "Ummm heyyyy, ya so I know the landlord said we could eat anything in the fridge except for that clearly labeled and aforementioned forbidden fruit, but I might have given into temptation and… ughh it's a long story, but we have to move out and you need to toil in a field or something. It's really hard to explain, let me just show you." Woman fashions a strap-on dildo out of a snake and some twigs and rapes Man all the way out of paradise. So the last shall be first, and the first last. From our humble beginnings of original rape, let us examine the path we have walked on our journey to the Rapeocalypse.

The signs of coming times are all around us. You only need open your eyes and your heart to the truth. But look not towards the heavens for raining hell fire and brimstone, instead look unto a lamb, that has seven horns and seven eyes, and probably seven cocks, and people sing and praise things every time he speaks. The lamb is breaking the seals and unleashing the four riders of the Rapeocalypse. Happy is the man who reads this prophetic message, and happy are those who hear it and heed what is written in it, for the appointed time is near.

1. Conquest

"And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, ‘Come and see.' And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer."

White horse, conquest? Columbus. I don't know a lot about history, but I know enough to reason the parallel between a white conquistador and the rape of an entire culture and people with our biblical foreshadowing. Imagine sailing halfway across the globe just to stick your dick into an unwilling people's collective asshole. When an unexpected guest shows up at my home, I invite them in and offer refreshments and my hospitality. I do not, however, invite their throbbing uncircumcised members into my various body cavities. Sure the indigenous population may have been welcoming at first, but that was with complete ignorance to the impending bondage and sodomy that would follow.

2. War

"And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, ‘Come and see.' And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword."

Wow, so I don't even know how to try to make this funny. This article would have been finished weeks ago if it weren't for this point alone. For the sake of submission, I am just going to list the notes I have made.

  • red horse = uncle Stalin
  • up to 2 million rapes by Red Army 1944-1945
  • 1/4 million deaths resulted from rape
  • some raped up to 70 times
  • insert jokes

3. Famine

Black horses of death"And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, ‘Come and see.' And I beheld, and lo a black horse and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand."

From my limited research I have found that this Cocksman has scales in his hand and wants motherfuckers to pay more for wheat or silk or some shit. It brings to the table a concept of starvation and famine. The sign I turned to was the whole prisoner hunger strike deal in Iraq. So all of these Iranian prisoners are protesting unfair treatment and what I can only equate to rape of their human rights and liberty. If a sign of the end times is a guy limiting the amount of food you can eat, imagine how bad it is when you are refusing the food you are given. The coming times are marked by starvation, and let's not forget about all those unfortunate fucks around the world starving to death not by choice, while we are busy throwing out countless amounts of food every week because the grocery store is only three minutes away and we can buy fresh food to throw out whenever we want.

4. Death

"And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, ‘Come and see.' And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him."

Death, pale horse, Twilight. I thought long and hard about this last sign of the Rapeocalypse and I settled with the Twilight manifestation in both book and film form representing the death of art and literature. I mean how far have we come from when "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" is interchangeable with "I'd never given much thought to how I would die—though I'd never had reason enough in the last few months—but even if I had, I would not have imagined I like this." What the fuck does that shit even mean? I understand the whole teen angst mortality issue that this god damn generation is too stupid to equate to any existentialist authors, but how did Rosebud get replaced by shiny vampires and werewolves Down Syndrome?

* * *

There you have it, Hell in a hand basket. Man came into this world with a dick up his ass, got subsequently raped by four Cocksmen, and now his children, who are a product of multigenerational rape, are just waiting for the final dicking that is set to be delivered by Satan in the form of a dragon that breathes water and has ghost frogs coming out of his mouth. I'm not making this shit up, read the fucking Bible.

See the rules and more entries for "The Rapeocalypse: Official PIC Contest" here!

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.