By staff writer Alex Willen

As hungover college students get on SuperShuttles to fly home for the holidays, one hope always lurks in the back of their minds (unless you’re me, in which case you’re also hoping that test came back negative): Will I be lucky enough to find true love, or cheap sex, before being vigorously patted down for trying to bring a bottle of water on the plane?

I just spent 30 minutes in a security line that stretched into the parking lot, but I was lucky enough to be standing behind an attractive young girl with whom I immediately struck up a conversation. The problem was, as always, we were flying to different parts of the country. And since I’ve yet to meet a girl hot enough for me to roadtrip into the middle of the Arizona desert to hook up with, once we were separated at the metal detectors, I knew I’d never see her again. The heartbreak lasted about seven seconds before I started trying to figure out ways to get upgraded to first class for free.

Nonetheless, it’s situations like these that test your prowess as a man. With some planning, I could have done better with her; the good news of the day is that I’ve had a whole flight home to think about it (granted, San Jose to LAX is only 50 minutes, but that’s what the pot’s reduced my attention span to anyway). I’ve done the future planning for you and me both, and now I present to you…

The Comprehensive Guide to the Airport Hookup

Nothing screams “terminal love” like a quick game of hopscotch and airport bathroom sex.

Talk to Her

For those of you who don’t lay the basis for sexual harassment lawsuits every time you see something with a vagina, this is an important first step. After all, if you can’t get started here, you should resign yourself to a chaste life (or try blind date rape). The great thing about the airport is that even if you lack clever pick-up lines (“Hey baby, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”), all you have to do is ask where your soon-to-be partner in carnal lust is flying to.

Now that you’ve engaged her in conversation, she’ll invariably ask your destination. This is a crucial moment, as the city to which you’re flying will more or less sum you up as a person. “Hey,” you say, “Bumfuck, Ohio, is my home and I’m not embarrassed to be flying back there!” You should be. Nonetheless, if this is your situation, just lie. Women love to hear that you’re flying home to LA to party in Westwood and Orange County, or back to New York to spend the vacation clubbing in NYC.

If you don’t have any exciting plans, again, lie. It’s the airport, she’ll never see you again, and she doesn’t have a reason to believe you aren’t going to fill in for your bouncer friend at a club in Hollywood. If you’re 5’4”, make up a martial art that you learned in your brief time under Jet Li’s tutelage. In case you’re not getting this, the theme of this step is deception. Seriously. If you have moral compunctions about this (you pussy), just look at it as a chance to be creative.

Put Her Down

This step is designed to make you a bigger person by subtly insulting her destination. Naturally, you need to calibrate your comments based on location. If she’s flying to Kansas, God has done your work for you, so just skip this step. If, on the other hand, she’s off to Paris for a week to max out Daddy’s credit card, you’re going to have to be a bit heavy-handed. Remember, though, you have to speak in a way she’ll understand. “Oh yeah, well girls in Paris are fat and so’s your mom!” may work on your friends, but you also managed to convince them that drinking a glass of fish oil with squirrel feces in it would cure their hangovers. You’re speaking to a female here, so go with something slightly more subtle like, “Well, I guess now that all the supermodels vacation in Eastern Europe, you won’t have any competition—and that’s probably not a bad thing.”

Once she feels the sting of inadequacy (hot girls will be quite unaccustomed to this), you’re in.

Make Your Move

Now that you’re on your way to getting some, there are the logistics to worry about. Wild sex will seem like a difficult task in between elevator music, TSA warnings, and burly men who grope others for a living, but these men are your ticket to romance. When you’re walking through the metal detectors, slip the screener a 20. He will whisk you and your lady of choice into a delightfully plain screening room, and the rest is yours to handle.

If you find yourself foolishly unprepared, don’t worry, you can probably find a nice jar of Vaseline in the room anyway. Try not to picture what airport security uses it for, and get to work. After you finish, remember, liquids aren’t allowed on the plane, so don’t try to sneak the used condom home as a souvenir.

That’s it for this guide, because, frankly, the guy next to me is staring at this and it’s starting to creep me out. Yeah, that’s right guy sitting next to me, I mean you. And move your arm, I claimed this armrest before you even got on the plane. …Nooo, I got up to go to the bathroom, but I called fives on it. …Whatever dude, fives are valid on a plane too. …Alright seriously, I’m not going to sit here and argue with you on the computer. I’m pressing the flight attendant button.

(Happy holidays and sex-filled travels, PIC.)

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