“The Hare Who Worked Hard For Its Success and Didn’t Have Any Other Advantages Working In Its Favor”

Thinking he’d overtaken the tortoise in the race, the hare took a nap underneath a tree. He was right to sleep—the tortoise hadn’t stood a chance against the hare, especially given the hare’s Adidas UltraBoost running shoes. When the hare woke up, the tortoise was still miles behind, trudging uphill in a contest it was doomed to lose from the start.

Moral of the story: Buy a pair of Adidas UltraBoost running shoes for $119.99 at your local sporting goods store.

“The Frogs Who Were in the Right Place at the Right Time”

Some boys were skipping rocks on the edge of the pond. While the boys were having a grand ol’ time, the frogs in the pond were shuddering and terrified. “Please, stop!” the frogs begged. “This is our home!” And the boys shouted back, “Oh, is it?” and developed plans for a $7 billion oil pipeline that would go straight through the frogs’ pond. And the plan was swiftly approved, and the frogs were offered jobs at the pipeline, and many of them begrudgingly accepted and made $7.25 an hour for the next 40 years until they died of emphysema. And, lo and behold, the story of the American Dream.

Moral of the story: Read about all the jobs created in the fracking boom before you diss it online.

“The Disruptive Donkey”

A master was leading his donkey along a narrow, mountainside path. The donkey saw a faster way down the mountain, but it involved walking on a far riskier path. So the donkey broke free from its harness and charged toward the precarious path. And the donkey survived its foolish walk, and it felt like a fucking baller, and just a few months later, that confident ass would found Juicero, the company that nabbed $120 million in venture capital and invented a $400 device that squeezes bags of juice.

Moral of the story: If it’s not broken, fix it.

“The Boy and the Nuts He Deserved”

A young boy stuck his hand in a peanut jar and grabbed the biggest fistful of peanuts he could muster. When he realized he couldn’t take his hand out of the jar without losing some of the peanuts, the boy decided it was immoral to give up a single peanut he’d worked for just so others could have peanuts, too. The passionate young boy kept his fist clenched for the rest of his life, because the boy felt big when he thought about all the nuts he had. And it did the world a whole lot of good. And the boy died with that big pile of nuts to his name. And that boy’s name was Jeff Bezos.

Moral of the story: Amass a $140 billion fortune and use it to buy a rocket ship.

“The Little Fish and the Fishermen Who Chose to Be Poor”

After a long day in the river, a poor fisherman managed to catch only one little fish. “Please!” the little fish begged. “I’m too tiny to eat. Come back in six months, and I’ll be yuge, and I’ll make you so fat and full, it’ll be ridiculous.” And even though he didn’t have anything to take home to his family, the poor fisherman believed the little fish’s promise and went home empty-handed. And for the rest of his life, the little fish told poor fishermen that he would get bigger, and that he’d be a better catch in the future, and all the fishermen believed him because they needed something to believe in. But before they could see how big the fish would get, all those poor fishermen died of a degenerative heart condition known as “the stress of being poor.”

Moral of the story: Don’t be poor.

“The Unmotivated Gophers Who Lost Their Property Fair and Square”

A lost porcupine stumbled upon a den of gophers. Having no place to sleep, the porcupine asked if it could stay with the gophers for the night, and the gophers obliged. By morning, the porcupine hadn’t left, and its quills were poking the gophers left and right, and when the gophers asked the porcupine to leave, it exclaimed, “No handouts!” And while the gophers tried their hardest to adapt—to enroll in night courses and learn how to grow quills of their own—it was awfully difficult for the gophers to improve their circumstances while getting stabbed several times a day by the intrusive porcupine. And that’s how the gophers wound up on the streets, and the porcupine wound up with a large den all to itself, where pricks and rats were in familiar company.

Moral of the story: If the porcupine wants to build a high-rise condominium on that land, so be it.

“The Enterprising Young Pup”

One day, a much-beloved dog walked by a lake. Upon seeing its warped reflection, the dog jumped into the lake and tried to attack the bigger dog. Of course, there was nothing in that lake but vines, and the dog immediately became entangled in them and died. And rather than mourning the strange marriage of egocentrism and insecurity that killed the dog, the town remembered the dog as a plucky, bold go-getter who was killed by Mother Nature left unchecked. And a plaque was erected in the dog’s honor, and the lake was drained, paved and turned into the nation’s largest combination Target-Walmart-Caskets ‘R’ Us storefront.

Moral of the story: Be the biggest or die trying.