Homosexuality fascinates me. It's right for all the right reasons and only wrong in the eyes of the Lord our Savior, Amen. I spend the better part of an hour (69 minutes) each day in quiet meditation trying to will myself gay, but unfortunately for all you handsome fellas out there (and for myself because women don't find me attractive), being gay is not a choice.

Nature v. Nurture

The truth is that you can run away from gay, but gay will catch you; he works out.

During my formative years I was raised as a homosexual by a single mother. Every "que sera" started out with "when you grow up and meet that perfect man," but would this early childhood conditioning really affect my sexual development? As a child my favorite color was pink (it was love at first sight) and all I wanted for my 4th birthday was the Barbie convertible Corvette. Admittedly, I have attended more Pride parades than professional sporting events and more musical theater than Nathan Lane, and yet I am still not gay.

As an adult I have had many gay friends. Usually these friendships end with an argument over personal preference. This is how it usually goes. "Will you have sex with me so I can see if I'm gay?" "You're not my type." Friendship over. I am just not comfortable experimenting with a stranger. I need someone I know and trust who will be gentle and understanding. Plus I don't even know the first thing about male pickup etiquette and was shocked and alarmed when I learnt about…

The Three-Second Stare

Apparently if you make continuous, uninterrupted eye contact with another man for a length of time greater or equal to three Earth seconds, you are entering into an unspoken agreement of sexual interest. I spent several years wondering why men kept chatting me up after I was merely admiring their stylish clothes or perfect hair from across the bar until a Fag Hag informed me of my trespasses.

Two guys stare at each other (gay)
"Is this really going down?? LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY GODDAMNIT!!"

Now that I am aware of this phenomenon, I make a game out of it. I try and see how close to three seconds I can make eye contact, before quickly looking away. My record is 2.86 seconds. If you get caught in a conversation, a quick explanation of the game will usually result in a laugh. But be warned, you might be seen as a cock tease. Remember, a gay man will not throw a drink in your face, because it would ruin that fabulous top.

Glory, Glory Hole-elujah!

Before I get to my favorite area of homosexuality, anonymous sex, I would just like to take a moment and examine the first verse of The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord – Gay.

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored – Wine/Ball sack metaphor, totally gay.

He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword – Premature Ejaculation, normal.

His truth is marching on – Marching? Really?

The truth is that you can run away from gay, but gay will catch you; he works out.

Now on to anonymous sex.

Gay guys in a saunaThis concept absolutely amazes me. Message boards are plastered with invitations and requests for no strings attached casual anonymous gay sex—unbiased, uninhibited men just looking for another man regardless of age, ethnicity, race, class, creed, or cast to fulfill their primal physical needs. The only real question is "your place or mine?" (It will have to be your place, mine's sore.) There are actually known and agreed upon times/places where large groups of men will meet to engage in orgies. More private "intimate" fare is also offered in washroom stalls all over the world. But it all keeps coming back to the idea that sex is free, and natural, and beautiful.

Just to cover all of the bases here, there is also vanilla gay sex—monogamous homosexual partners that are in loving relationships and just want to be seen and treated as equals and to be afforded the same protection and rights under the law as every other human being. You know, those evil godless abominations that are destroying the sanctity of marriage which is described as a union between a man and a women by the interpreted law of an organization whose principle contributions to culture, society, and the media over the past decade have been confirmed and repeated same-sex child molestation atrocities performed by sexually repressed clergymen of their employ. Fuck you, California.

Oh one more thing. I found this site on the subject of Faggoting. It had me in "stitches."

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