The Apocalypse is a serious event that people all around the globe must treat with the utmost discreet. The Apocalypse is not just another hilarious rape joke that we pretend isn't funny, or some guy who gets a sex change and expects people not to laugh at his flimsy swings at womanhood, it's much more than that. To be honest, the end of days is a little more than most things, and since the thought of everyone in the world getting casually raped to death in the same day (AT THE SAME TIME) terrifies me, I think we all deserve to know what to look out for when deciding whether or not we'll be getting an early trip to our unmarked graves.

Luckily, I know the omens signifying the end, and because I wasn't born a dick (but simply grew into one), I'll share these signs with you. In other words, be on the lookout for these things.

1. A Conversation with Guido Jesus

Guido JesusOne day everything's normal. You wake up, the birds are chirping the beat to your favorite gangsta rap song, the air smells fresh, and that girl whose kneecaps you don't like got eaten by an alligator in a freak accident. All is right in the world. That's when it's time to hop up out the bed and turn your swag on.

Going through the day is really nice, or at least until you see a shadowy figure emerge from behind a burning tanning salon. Then the smell of Axe body spray fills the air, failing to turn on all decent women in the area. The shadowy figure becomes clear and everyone finds out that it's none other than the one, the only, the holy, Guido Jesus (imagine the sound of a woman moaning "Guido Jesus" now).

Shocked reaction
The average person's reaction to seeing Guido Jesus.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen into a gym" is what you may be thinking at first, but when it's your turn to talk to this juicehead messiah, all that goes away. Italian or not, this bro got iced just so you don't have to tan in hell for eternity, so you're actually kind of guilt-tripped into talking to him. So prepare to have some wisdom dropped on you, WISDOM that only a tan buff guy with greasy hair and a shady back ground can give you. After learning how to keep ugly people away from you with the snap of a finger, how to effectively show appreciation men's cologne without having your head implode, and how to read the minds of total skanks, you're going to come back home as a monster. After talking to Guido Jesus, you are now the ULTIMATE DOUCHEBAG, and the world must end you.


2. Oprah Going Back to TV as a Total She-Beast

Oprah network

Oprah very well may be god in disguise, and that's totes ok. Or it would be ok if she still had The Oprah Winfrey Show. I think we all can agree that when The Oprah Winfrey Show ended, Earth started dying on the inside. It also does NOT help that she made a network with shows that try to inspire people to do good things but instead make them really bored and angry, which in turn causes them to go out and do hood rat things with their friends. Eventually Oprah's going to reach her breaking point and just go back to having her own show on major league television. When she does this, DO NOT GET HAPPY… DON'T YOU FUCKING DO THAT! Oprah's back, but since she couldn't make her other projects popular, she's banaynays and hella bitter.

Oprah owned
Oprah's favorite phrase when she comes after all of humanity.

Oprah's return to television is really just an announcement that Winfrey is ready to rage across America. California will be separated from the Americas, Forest will burn, and horrible books will be recommended to you. So get yourself ready, because big O is coming atcha, and the only thing under your chair this time is a box full of Armageddon (gift wrapped of course).


3. Face Issues

Pimple face zitIf you're having facial problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but my face ain't one. Now that we're done with that, let's talk about this omen.

It's a fact of life that the human face has its high and low points. Seeing how a grown adult should have already gotten through the shitty prank by god that is puberty at this point—there should be nothing wrong with your face, unless acid was thrown in it—then there's something wrong and it's pretty funny. Everything's cool until you look in the mirror, ‘cause when that happens, you'll see a pimple. "HOW COULD THIS BE?!?!?" you ask? Well the answer is simple: there's a pimple on your grown up face because Mother Nature doesn't give a bag of fucks about your face.

Oh, and since this pimple is totally out of the blue, and getting hit with the fugly stick isn't really your hobby, then this is a sign that the world is coming to an end obviously. Or at least YOUR world is, because nobody wants to associate themselves with a pizza-faced ugly chick/dick.


4. The Broken iPad

Broken iPad screenDid your new iPad just break? Well that sucks…. Oh well, prepare to be butt fucked to death! What? Did you expect something different? iPads don't just break on a whim; women, children, Japan, Jews and white dudes maybe, but definitely not iPads. Sure a broken iPad can be taken to the Apple store to be repaired but do you really think Apple employees, yet alone the holy ghost of Steve Jobs would let you out of that place alive? I think not.

A broken iPad is exactly like spilled milk, there's no use crying over it. And you shouldn't cry over it because everyone knows that crying over spilled milk & iPads is 7 years bad luck and 6 years of being called a cry baby aka whiny cunt. Just accept this omen signaling the end of days and go on with your life that's soon to be over.

It's a good thing I don't drink milk or have an iPad. Instead, I've got myself a sweet little iPod, and if that broke then everyone really would be fucked! Thankfully that will never happen, am I right, iPod?

…iPod? …Yo iPod? …OH GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

David's iPad broken
David's iPod
September 28, 2010 – May 24, 2012

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