When people told me they thought this song was about sexual relations, this corn-shuckin’ country boy was shocked.
Our new, improved algorithm now reports that you are: 99.9% not of the human genome <1% Pacific Islander
I murdered your wife, and you got pretty mad at me for doing that. We’ll call that one a tie. We’re both people!
Are you fucking with me? Because if you are, I swear to God that, with ZERO hesitation, I will absolutely let you do that.
I tell stories of humanity. Some about a guy getting drunk in the woods. Others about two guys getting drunk in the woods.
The Desert Escape: Run into the desert. There, you’ll meet a snake. Name the snake. Name him Benjamin. Benjamin will bite you, but don’t cry out.
Goodbye to cooling off with a quick dip, wading too far out, getting swept to sea, and awaking on a pirate ship Bone Rattler.
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I’m like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”
I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.
Setting up this stand in my backyard all those days ago, I never imagined the places we would go; we are now in the front yard.
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
Created over a career spanning the past four decades, but really only the past four years after she came back from that trip to Sedona.
A pretty solid memory of that "Boy Meets World" episode where Cory’s mom gives birth to his younger brother.
Now I’m halfway to the table, and this bowl is burning my fucking hands off.
Setting up this stand in my backyard all those days ago, I never imagined the places we would go; we are now in the front yard.
Close family and friends are worried about your future prospects.
