Consider that if you had stolen a different car (like my neighbor’s Prius, as an arbitrary example) and left mine unharmed.
Doesn’t fall correctly… I don’t know what the ideal shape would be, but this wasn’t it.
If there’s a place to get a cheaper, more unpleasant handjob, I’ve probably put them out of business.
I think you should ask your doctor about how your lower GI issues could be alleviated with a daily regimen of Green Crack.
Welcome to Your Cheap New Apartment! Your main quest is to violate your lease without getting caught.
You scrolled your own Instagram profile for 3 hours last week. You will never get that time back.
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.
“No, I’m not saying I want to sell feet pics. I’m saying I’d like an appraisal.”
Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it’s pizza.
“I reckon this town ain’t big enough for The Both of Us, my start-up concept for a novelty cowboy singles bar.”
Thanksgiving is one of the few days that I can gather with my family, eat a huge plate of delicious food, and pound back six or seven glasses of gravy.
Q: Do I need to time the hourglass? A: No. That would be redundant.
The revelations about the human condition you experience after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms make it much easier to come up with future Fortune 500 companies.
This family has a rich history of Crazy Uncles ruining Thanksgiving. A tradition that you are now responsible for.
What’s that they’re talking about now? "Where’s Aunt June’s fun dip?” The fuck is fun dip? Christ in heaven, this is Thanksgiving!
Nothing good will come from yelling about whether there’s a glue spot on the plastic pear that indicates where a neighboring bunch of muscats should be adhered.
