Super Bonus Post: MY Email

It's not every hour that you get an email like this.

Give your lassie endless nights of pure delight and passion with a big one!
Bring more love and passion into your life today!

angry expressions, indistinctly or with a low voice andthings."The President of France Jacques Chirac announces that
The President of France Jacques Chirac announces thatangry expressions, indistinctly or with a low voice andthings."

--Simone Varner


I think this chick wants to fuck me, but I'm not sure.

I Work With Hungry Little Raccoons

I've been in a variety of office environments. I've been in the kind of offices where everybody just kind of sits around and does their own thing on their own computer, I've been in the kind of office where everybody has a lot of interaction with each other but ignores me, I've been in the kind of offices where people still wonder if I'm coming to fix the air conditioner even though a.)I've been there for 5 months and b.) It's snowing outside. I've even been in the kind of offices where uniformed police officers handcuff you to a bench and then ignore you for a few hours, then eventually forget who you are and let you go with a warning to "stop doing whatever it is you were doing".

Yup, I've been in them all. And in every single one, there's been single minded devotion to finding free food. Whether this be leftover donuts from yesterday's meeting, or Karen's lunch that you stole from the communal fridge and snuck to the bathroom to wolf down with your hands (why does Karen always bring French Onion soup?), something about free food always makes office workers crazy. I've never seen anything like it. 25 year old women, who spend hundreds of dollars a month on clothing can come back from a trip to some exotic local where some native stud named Julio made them feel 23 1/2 again, and turn into hungry little raccoons at the prospect of half of a free bagel.

As gainfully employed people, why don't they just take a moment and purchase a bagel? Has it really come to this, that the pinnacle of excitement is leftover cookies? Aren't people aware that many of the foods they salivate over are commercially available, for rates much much lower than they spend on useless things like children, or tampons?

Never mind, I gotta go. I'm at work, and somebody just put out some pretzels.

Small thoughts on BIG ISSUES

Romance:

I think it's ok to have sex with a third cousin, if the first two have gained a lot of weight.


Politics:

I don't want to be the Vice President, just the President of Vices.


Family:

I guess a 5th birthday party is too late for a coathanger abortion, but I'll be damned if that clown didn't give it the ol' college try.


Employment:

I'm not a clown, I just dress up like one for birthday parties and weddings.


Religion:

I think Christianity was invented by people who enjoyed robbing and pillaging, but were too lazy to work more than once a week.

Postsecret (Comic)

(Click to see better)

So, You've Probably Noticed My Erection

Hey, Karen. Stace, you finished that paper yet? Nah, me neither. It's like what they say: procrastination is just like masturbating. Sure it feels good, but in the end, you're just fucking yourself. Also because I like to jerk off instead of doing papers. Creepy, huh? So you guys going to that party this weekend? I hear it's supposed to be a blast.


So by now, you've probably noticed I have an erection.


It's cool. Notice I let my textbook dangle cavalierly by my side rather than awkwardly shifting it into my crotch area like some sort of weirdo. We're all adults here, right? We can handle a little increased blood flow into the pudendal artery, can't we? I got a good line for situations like this, even. Hey you guys like camping? Because I got a tent in my pants.


Formed by my erection.


You guys look nervous. Worried about that test? Don't be. Here, let me give you a hug. Don't worry about my engorged penis. It'll slide snugly and warmly against your thigh, letting us both share the glorious experience of my trouser sunrise.


You're welcome by the way. An erection is kinda the best possible compliment. I mean, sure I could say that your tits look delectable and I just want to mush them together and rub my mouth and penis on them, but it's like my dad always says: erections speak louder than words.


Anyway, it's been good talking to your guys' chests, but I'm gonna head up to my room and spend a little time procrastinating on this paper.