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"Its like a Jackson Pollock painting!"
-Renfro, on some nasty ass sheets desperately in need of washing
Funny AIM Convos
The Scale of Doom
(PG-13, 70 lines)A scale isn't the only way to help fatties face the truth about their weight problem.
You've Been Hacked!
(PG-13, 49 lines)Every year, on April 1st, The Humor Bot turns into a hacking machine.
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Books from PIC
The Snippets and the Impure Tour
By Nathan DeGraaf
A fascinating tour of sex, booze, drugs, and debauchery, complete with witty banter.
The Imbible
By Alex Bash
The definitive guide to drinking games, both new and classic, plus boob jokes.
About Xavier Holland
Hometown
New York, NY
School
Pomona College
At a Glance
"I'll make all the time feel like naked time."
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Recent Comments
Best Pickup Lines
Posted May 26th, 2007 by Xavier Holland
Pickup lines get a lot of flack as cheesy and ineffective, but that's not warranted at all. Perhaps, my friend, it is the way that you're telling them that's cheesy and ineffective. Mull that over. MULL IT...
Done? Good. Because I've decided to help you retell classic pickup lines to get alllll the ladies. That's right.
Do you have a quarter? How about $25? I really need some blow.
Do you have a quarter? How about the number of a good plastic surgeon?
Was your daddy a baker? Your stomach has lots of rolls.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would eliminate W, H, I, T, E, and Y. Oh, and G, A, U, D and O too.
Do you clean your pants with Windex? Or are those man-stains?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? I hope it breaks and your left with years of unsightly scars and bad luck.
That's a nice shirt. It's wasted on you.
How do you like your eggs? I bet it's smothered in bacon and cheese, you unhealthy fattypants.
Let's play Army. You lay down and I shoot you accidentally then tell your family you died fighting insurgents.
(Holding up a screw) Do you want to build me a cabinet? I'm no good with my hands.
You know what they say about guys with big feet? They can fuck huge vaginas. Let's go.
Are your feet tired? You smell sweaty.
Do you feel lucky? Because I have crabs, and AIDS.
Somebody better call God, because he seriously dropped the ball on this one.
Was your daddy a thief? You have the shifty look of thiefbreed.
Do you have an raisins? No? Stop wasting my fucking time and make with the raisins. Chop chop. Less talky, more raisins.
Giant polar bear! You're fat, hairy and cold, is what I'm trying to say.
Are you from Tennessee? Or did you have a stroke?
Done? Good. Because I've decided to help you retell classic pickup lines to get alllll the ladies. That's right.
Do you have a quarter? How about $25? I really need some blow.
Do you have a quarter? How about the number of a good plastic surgeon?
Was your daddy a baker? Your stomach has lots of rolls.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would eliminate W, H, I, T, E, and Y. Oh, and G, A, U, D and O too.
Do you clean your pants with Windex? Or are those man-stains?
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? I hope it breaks and your left with years of unsightly scars and bad luck.
That's a nice shirt. It's wasted on you.
How do you like your eggs? I bet it's smothered in bacon and cheese, you unhealthy fattypants.
Let's play Army. You lay down and I shoot you accidentally then tell your family you died fighting insurgents.
(Holding up a screw) Do you want to build me a cabinet? I'm no good with my hands.
You know what they say about guys with big feet? They can fuck huge vaginas. Let's go.
Are your feet tired? You smell sweaty.
Do you feel lucky? Because I have crabs, and AIDS.
Somebody better call God, because he seriously dropped the ball on this one.
Was your daddy a thief? You have the shifty look of thiefbreed.
Do you have an raisins? No? Stop wasting my fucking time and make with the raisins. Chop chop. Less talky, more raisins.
Giant polar bear! You're fat, hairy and cold, is what I'm trying to say.
Are you from Tennessee? Or did you have a stroke?
6 Comments
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm gonna have to remember one or two of these for the next time some fat chick thinks I'm drunk enough to not realize that she looks like a fat John Candy.
For some reason, I'm completely enthralled by the word "thiefbreed."
and something about "unhealthy fattypants" seems like the worst insult possible. it's like, "ya, just in case you didn't realize, i'm not just calling you a silly name, i think you are legitimately out of shape."
"Somebody better call God, because he seriously dropped the ball on this one." << Best line ever.
i hate the whities too! and man, will these lines come in handy for some good old-fashioned soul crushing or what! we should be friends, mr. deus x machina.
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