So You Want to Be Awesome?

Oh, you want to be awesome? It’s not easy, I know. It takes practice, hard work, dedication, and massive alcohol consumption. You can eat a lot, you can play pick-up basketball downtown, you can lift free weights, but honestly, doing those things will not get you anywhere. It will get you very big, but that is not the aim, because being really big does not make you awesome (point in case: Al Roker).

How do I become awesome you ask yourself? It’s very easy, but so many people overlook it. It took me years to realize how to be awesome, and it only takes three steps. I warn you though, like all things, it’s not about just doing these things one time, and then immediately becoming awesome. Like all things, perfect practice makes perfect awesomeness. If you practice the following three things perfectly, you will be awesome in about a week’s time.

1. Self-Induced Projectile Vomiting

You might be asking yourself, “Why?” Believe me, I asked myself the same question. How on earth could making yourself vomit make you awesome? It’s all about empowerment. There is nothing more empowering, more domineering, than sticking a finger down your own throat with clear results. People will look at you differently. First in a negative way. But then, after realizing what occurred, in an awestruck trance.

Even more awesome: vomiting in the projectile form. You know what I’m talking about… when the vomit flies at magnificent distances, like a long wave of glory, often times splashing against the side of a building or, more preferably, the side of someone’s face. If you’re asking yourself, “What can I do to add awesomeness to my self-induced projectile vomiting?” I have the answer: Shotgun a beer as soon as you can after you’ve heaved. You probably lost a significant amount of alcohol, and in turn, drunkenness when you vomited. That’s the price you pay, so make sure you reward yourself with a quick intake of beer.

2. Shit Talking

There might not be anything more self-satisfying, dangerous, and awesome as talking shit. You know exactly what I’m saying: playing a nice game of beer pong, and looking across the table at the woman and dude who’ve been calling it “beirut” the entire night, and finally deciding it’s time to take action.

Once you’ve got at least 5-7 beers in your system, let awesomeness begin. First, inform your male opponent that the game at hand is called “beer pong,” and that Beirut is a city in Lebanon. Then add either “retard,” “assclown,” or Michael Bolton to the end of your statement. If he responds that his name isn’t Michael Bolton just call him Kenny G and proceed with the game. You’re already up one-nothing.

So the game goes on, winning or losing, and your next victim is the girl. We all know that girls cannot play beer pong. Let it be known that she doesn’t have a right to be on the table by comparing her beer pong skills to Helen Keller or a cerebral palsy victim. This will either result in tears, the flipping of the table and an opportunity to fight (especially if the girl’s partner is a boyfriend/husband/sister/daughter), or no reaction. Although no reaction is extremely rare, to the point of nonexistence, it can happen. In this case you must continue to shit talk.

The next level of shit talk is to compare yourself to the rest of the world. Make sure you mention as many curse words as you can and compare yourself as frequently as possible to God, being the son of God, the next coming, Allah, Mohammad, and in extreme cases, any Hindu God of Destruction. Your ultimate goal of shit talking, other than being immediately awesome, is to elicit tears from your victim—to get someone so pissed that they either sucker punch you, say “fuck you” to your face, or flip you off.

No matter what happens, when you talk shit, you are awesome.

3. Uptucking

“Uptucking? Hmm… I’ve got a possible visual of what this could be, but I need clarification.”

Well, fine. Plain and simple, uptucking is what I usually do every night before I go to bed. The act of uptucking is a male getting excited and erect to the point where he must tuck up his penis in using either the elastic of his boxers or the tightness of his pants belt to hide what would otherwise amount to a child-blinding erection. It is unclear when the first uptuck occurred, but it is said to have roots in the early themed party, “Viagra and Sweatpants,” in which guests were only admitted in sweatpants and then given Viagra upon entering the door. (Girls wore tube tops.)

Once you uptuck, you can feel the awesomeness surround you like the atmosphere that surrounds the earth. Uptucking is power. You know you are a success when you can discreetly orient yourself to hide your boner, and successfully walk around unnoticed. Just make sure no one pulls up your shirt, for they would surely see your mushroom cap open up like an umbrella.

So there you have it. It is very simple to be awesome. With a little practice, some good old alcohol in the system, an unreasonable amount of shit talking, a smooth uptuck, and plenty of self-induced projectile vomit to go around, you too can unleash your awesomeness on the masses.