"Dying's not so bad. It's just nature's way of telling you that you're not alive anymore."
-Bull Shannon Read More »

« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers

It's a well-known fact that women can easily be compared to food.  That's why I'm writing another column comparing women to food.  I like my column topics like I like my women: easy and simple.  Come to think of it, I like everything in my life easy and simple, with the possible exception of crossword puzzles.  Easy crossword puzzles are a waste of ink.  If I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure out an eight letter word for a region of Europe I was previously ignorant of, the crossword creator dude has failed. Read More »

In the grand tradition of being a crappy hack of a writer, I offer you, dear readers and lovers of fine wine and spirits, the following chunk of the obvious: male friendships are different than female friendships. I don't know why this is, but it's true. Now, it's story time children. Pull up a chair. Read More »

"Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

-Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969 Read More »

I'm an asshole. And it's not for nothing. I'm an asshole because I'm a cynic and I'm a cynic because I always try to figure out why stuff happens and after I figure out why stuff happens I then try to figure out why other stuff related to that stuff happens. And on and on. Read More »

For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, "I love you." Those three little words in that sequence seem to have so much meaning and so much impact on the heart, soul, and actions of the chicas upon whose breasts I ejaculate that I just figured the best thing to do was avoid the term altogether (the words, not the breasts) and/or only use i Read More »

Every now and again, I receive emails requesting romantic advice. I have written previously (and I've been on this site long enough to have written just about everything previously) that asking me for romantic advice is akin to asking a terrorist sniper how to shoot a gun. Read More »

"Anti-gun laws are like rich hot chicks: they simply do not work."
-John Farmer Read More »

The other day I was walking to the locker room at the private gymnasium to which I pay a monthly fee for services rendered and I got to thinking about Peter Piper and that old tongue twister: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

The goddamn thing is a lie. Read More »

Many scholars have never said that part of what makes this world such a cool and awesome and downright groovy place is the sheer number of meaningless and over-hyped post-season college matchups that clog the afternoon television schedules and provide us men folk with a legitimate reason why we cannot help with the cooking or cleaning because, for chrissakes, the San Diego County Credit Union P Read More »

Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man.  Read More »

Julie:  She doesn't seem very smart. 
Nathan:  She isn't.
Julie:  She's rude, too. 
Nathan:  And presumptuous, and untrustworthy and drug addicted. 
Julie:  So why even bother?
Nathan:  You want me to answer that or you want us to remain friends? Read More »

Nathan: I can't believe how expensive fireworks are getting.  I remember when I could blow up all my sister's toys for like fifty bucks. 
Jake: Yeah, well you know the economy and--wait, what? Read More »

         --George Carlin

George Carlin taught me many things.  Every one of them is very important.  Here are some of the things he taught me and some of the reasons I will miss him. Read More »

Nathan: Are you gonna teach your boy how to play hockey?
Chip: Oh yeah. My son’s gonna play hockey and he’ll play the drums. I mean, what’s the use of having a boy if you can’t push all your failed dreams on him?
Read More »

Last weekend, I went to a bachelor party in Atlantic City for my former college roommate Doug.  It was a good time.  We had fun.  Possibly too much fun, but there were no arrests or venereal diseases so maybe not.  I don't know.  What's too much fun?  I draw the line at police involvement or permanent disease but I could be wrong.  I'm no lawyer.  But you know that.  Or maybe you don Read More »

Bernanke says recession "very likely over"

By JEANNINE AVERSA (AP) - 26 minutes ago Read More »

My girlfriend pulled her groin recently, which I admit (and predicted) makes her the butt of many jokes, but the real victim here, as is almost always the case, is me.  You see, Lisa can't open her legs and this seriously limits my social life.  We've had to work on closed-legged "old people" positions that, though enjoyable, lack the sheer animalian quality I appreciate about our s Read More »

I try to pay attention to politics. I even read a lot of the bills that members of the senate don't bother to read. I like to think I know what's going on, but with this health care thing, well I have no clue. And that's because universal health care is fucking boring. Read More »

Growing old sucks.  There's no way around it and no reason to sugarcoat it.  The older we get the more we worry about boring and dry stuff like the economy and politics and just why, for the love of all that is decent and holy, reality television shows are so popular (seriously, American Idol is just Star Search and The Gong Show thrown together in some kind of horr Read More »

Lisa: If you ever cheated on me, I would cut off your butt.
Me: Why would you do that?
Lisa: So you wouldn't be that cute anymore.
Me: But my butt? What? Like you think it's my best feature or something?
Lisa: It's certainly not your mouth.

Tim: Nobody likes you very much.
Me: I get that a lot.
Chip: I'll bet. Read More »

Okay, so I can finally tell this story...

Three months ago my girlfriend, who works in a bar, thought it would be a great idea to apply some generous fellatio to me in her manager's office.  I had no arguments with this because... well, I don't think I need to tell you why.  Read More »

Jemele Hill gets paid to make pointless observations with no foundation in reality.  Sometimes, said observations piss me off and I mock them.  Her words are in bold.  Mine are in a state of unbridled confusion.  Read More »

Nate is typing live below using this Cover It Live app. Click "Watch Now" or the play button to follow along, and send him comments or questions during the game.

The greatest thing about being incredibly busy during a Florida summer is my electric bill.  I live alone.  And I don't cool an empty apartment while I'm gone.  And I'm usually gone.  And I can't write at work as much as I used to because I'm busier there than I used to be because I do other people's jobs too (and I'm thankful for the work) because of the economy. Read More »

So I decided to go see a shrink.  Well, actually it was court ordered, but I made the decision to attend, you know, after I was threatened with jail time.  I learned a lot about myself at my first session.  It turns out that I am insensitive. 

Who knew, eh? Read More »

I wonder how long it'll take all that plastic to biodegrade.  I sure hope the EPA is aware of the threat to Earth. 

St. Peter's first words to Michael Jackson: "Wow.  Umm... Sorry about looking so shocked but you really have changed. I was expecting someone with slightly different features and without that boy-sin shine to him." Read More »

Say what you will about the inexactitude of meteorological forecasts, but weather folks have come a long way at predicting shit. They're always way off on predicting what a typical hurricane season will yield though so I don't feel at all upset about being way off too. Read More »

A few years ago, I was walking down the street in South Tampa with my buddy Big Mike when Derek Jeter walked by. Jeter was dressed in the way only a Florida celebrity can: ridiculously expensive, loose fitting, silk clothes and three hundred dollar leather sandals. His outfit said distinctly: I may not be a formal dresser but I still have a shit ton more money than you do. Read More »

Thomas Cooley writes for Forbes. He's a lying son of a bitch. I was gonna stop doing the "Translating English into English" pieces until I read what this lying son of a bitch had to say. Let's get bold, party people. Read More »