« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 2: The Main Course

Many months ago, I informed the bloody lot of you that women are like food.  I have a lot of bullocks, I do.  And though I may have affected a cockney accent for the purpose of this introductory paragraph, none of that changes the fact that I'm the bloke who's damn right number one the bee's knees at comparing women to edible articles.  It's not what I do best but it's one of many things I do better than everyone else.  What can I say?  I'm as humble as I am awesome.  Read More »

So you've decided to become an internet writer. That's great, man or woman. Really groovy great. I mean, if there's one thing I've learned about internet writers, it's that they write on the internet. Read More »

Valentine's Day can be a vexing holiday for spineless pansies who lack the balls to explain to their women that Hallmark will not dictate when they get gifts. Now, I have never given a girl anything on Valentine's Day. Not once. In fact, one Valentine's Day I actually mistakenly threw away a girl's shirt. That's right, I actually took something from a chick on Valentine's Day. Read More »

If you've been reading my column over the years, you've learned some important things about women: how slutty they can be, how to compare them to food, the fact that they really do fall for assholes, and why I get laid by them. But I've never written about how to be a good boyfriend. Read More »

There aren't many causes I get behind.  I mean, I believe in stuff: the gold standard, open bars, those sexy stockings that only go halfway up the female thigh and make attractive girls look like they recently walked out of one of my favorite RedTube videos.  And, though it is a rare occurrence, sometimes I even stand up and fight for a cause or two.  Read More »

"Dying's not so bad. It's just nature's way of telling you that you're not alive anymore."
-Bull Shannon Read More »

« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers

It's a well-known fact that women can easily be compared to food.  That's why I'm writing another column comparing women to food.  I like my column topics like I like my women: easy and simple.  Come to think of it, I like everything in my life easy and simple, with the possible exception of crossword puzzles.  Easy crossword puzzles are a waste of ink.  If I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure out an eight letter word for a region of Europe I was previously ignorant of, the crossword creator dude has failed. Read More »

In the grand tradition of being a crappy hack of a writer, I offer you, dear readers and lovers of fine wine and spirits, the following chunk of the obvious: male friendships are different than female friendships. I don't know why this is, but it's true. Now, it's story time children. Pull up a chair. Read More »

"Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

-Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969 Read More »

I'm an asshole. And it's not for nothing. I'm an asshole because I'm a cynic and I'm a cynic because I always try to figure out why stuff happens and after I figure out why stuff happens I then try to figure out why other stuff related to that stuff happens. And on and on. Read More »

For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, "I love you." Those three little words in that sequence seem to have so much meaning and so much impact on the heart, soul, and actions of the chicas upon whose breasts I ejaculate that I just figured the best thing to do was avoid the term altogether (the words, not the breasts) and/or only use i Read More »

Every now and again, I receive emails requesting romantic advice. I have written previously (and I've been on this site long enough to have written just about everything previously) that asking me for romantic advice is akin to asking a terrorist sniper how to shoot a gun. Read More »

"Anti-gun laws are like rich hot chicks: they simply do not work."
-John Farmer Read More »

The other day I was walking to the locker room at the private gymnasium to which I pay a monthly fee for services rendered and I got to thinking about Peter Piper and that old tongue twister: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

The goddamn thing is a lie. Read More »

Many scholars have never said that part of what makes this world such a cool and awesome and downright groovy place is the sheer number of meaningless and over-hyped post-season college matchups that clog the afternoon television schedules and provide us men folk with a legitimate reason why we cannot help with the cooking or cleaning because, for chrissakes, the San Diego County Credit Union P Read More »

"I love it when the bar is like this," she says through red lips like moist pillows.

"You mean empty?" I light a cigarette and watch her doe eyes frown at me: a physical opposition to the happiness of her curling lips.  Read More »

http://www.youtube.com/user/nathandegraaf?feature=mhum#p/a/u/1/oZYAY3UwE...

"I never thought I'd see the day that the majority of American protestors would be employed, racist white people.  Either we've come full circle, or we missed the whole damn shape."

--Some old Dude, on the Tea Party. 

I've been giving mainstream news my usual occasional glances and recently noticed that quite a few people are upset that a mosque may be one of the buildings put in near Ground Zero in the NYC, which is New York City (that's right, I'm borrowing from The Situation now; I'm more disappointed than you are but it had to be done). Read More »

Taylor:  You need to write something like, classic Nate.  You know, for old time's sake. 

Me:  We don't have any old times. 

Taylor:  Dude, I was reading you long before I met you.  Trust me, we got old times. 

Me:  Now you're freaking me out a little.   Read More »

Here are ten things I learned from this year's MLB All Star Game:

I don't care if it's protocol or tradition or what, having Charlie Manuel jog out onto the field borders on senior citizen abuse. 

Manager Joe Girardi elected not to use Alex Rodriguez in the All Star game because Alex Rodriguez is not a "True All Star." Read More »

To me, George Steinbrenner will always be the influential asshole who dictated what did and did not appear on stage at the Tampa Performing Arts Center.  He's a name on a high school in Tampa Bay, a Read More »

Like every kid in suburban America, I played a little soccer growing up.  Very little.  My parents wouldn't let me play football so they made me play soccer until I was old enough to explain to them exactly why I hated the sport.  That took until I was nine.  After that, I found better stuff to do.  Soccer bores me.  I realize the athleticism that it takes to play soccer on an elite level Read More »

LeBron James is moving to Florida, where I live.  And I feel that he needs to feel right at home, so I am happily making LeBron the following promises:

Dear LeBron:

I will never burn your jersey, mainly because the only thing dumber than overpaying for your jersey would be burning said jersey.  Read More »

Here are the ten things I've learned regarding Arizona's new anti-immigration law:

More white people are kidnapped from Arizona than are kidnapped from the rest of the world.  Apparently, living in Arizona is like visiting Columbia.  Except every day, and you know, in English.  Read More »

"I've said time and time again that nothing good happens when oil is on the water."  --Actual quote by actual Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen.

Here are ten things I've learned from the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill: Read More »

"Hell man, ain't nothing as awesome as you think it'll be.  I once lived with two bisexual women.  After six months or so a that, I came home one day from work and saw both of them bimbos going at it on my living room floor... Read More »

You know what the worst thing is about breaking up with someone you've been with for a while?  Well I do.  It's explaining why you broke up to all the friends and family to whom you bothered to introduce the chick.  By the time you get around to explaining it to the fifteenth friend/relative, you're so exhausted and tired of repeating phrases like "We tried to make it work" and &qu Read More »

Evelyn Boyd, wife of a pastor and resident of Tampa Bay, died recently during a three week fast.  How do I know this?  Well, the boss left work early so I bought a newspaper just to remember what it was like reading articles I did not search for on a computer.  And you know what?  It's just as pleasant as I remembered it.  Read More »

It's Friday; time to rip on one of the worst pieces of writing ever to make the mainstream.  Katynka Z. Martínez is writing about something.  I just don't know what.  Her words are in bold.  But that doesn't make them any less infuriating.  Read More »

I am better than you. It's not your fault. It's just the truth. I wish it weren't, really. I wish I wasn't handsome and wealthy. I wish my genetics weren't superior to yours in every way. I wish my privileged background hadn't provided me with an advanced education and global perspective. Honestly, I do. Read More »