mspeir

Molly: It's hard getting relationship advice because no one else is really IN my relationship... you can't just put yourself in my body-
Aileen (placing hand on Molly's arm): Though I've tried.
-On inside advice

Molly: So the sponge is basically...well it's a sponge, and it's about thiiiis big, has a dimple on one side, and-
Leeny: Is it scoured on one side?
Molly: For her pleasure.
-On soaking up the sperm

Danny: Hey Molly, wanna go on an adventure with me right now?
Molly: Where to?
Danny: Just down the street, towards the bridge.
Molly: Why?
Danny: So I can scoop up the dead squirrel that's been sitting there for a few days and throw it away.
Molly: Okay sure, I'll go.
Danny: Sweet! Okay, let me go put my shoes on.
-On no signs of life

Tony: ...Never press the popcorn button. Put it in for 3 minutes. It won't take up the whole 3 minutes, though, it should be done at about.... 2 minutes and..... 54 seconds. You'll hear them go "popopopopopopopop." When it starts to slow down and the pops are farther apart, and it's like "pop...... pop....... pop............" then you know it's done. Be careful when you open it, it gets hot. And then you pour it into a medium sized bowl and eat it! The half-popped ones are the best because they have more flavor. The fluffly ones are good, too, though. I like my popcorn lightly buttered. That's the best.
Molly: Did you seriously just spend 10 minutes telling me how to make microwave popcorn?
-On the only thing that pops into your mind during a stoned, midnight conversation

Danny: I don't want to coach volleyball this year. In fact, I'm almost angry about coaching it. I'm only doing it because I have to kiss ass because I want to get a job there.
Danny's Grandma: That's called networking.
-On the wisdom of experience

Leeny: What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Molly: Nothin', it's just... your hair.
Leeny: It looks funny?
Molly: Kinda. It looks like something out of Star Wars.
Leeny: What, like Princess Leia or something?
Molly: No, man, like... one of those creatures with the long swept back ears.
Leeny: What?! I am so... offended!
Molly: ...No offense.

Efren (pretending to be on the phone): Uh-huh, yeah. I know. Yeah they're just sitting here, not working. Yeah, I know, it's really irresponsible. Uh-huh, uh-huh, mhmm, right. Right. Ok, I'll pass it along. (Pretends to hang up) Um, that was Nicole and she says you're both fired.
(Phone rings)
Molly: Thank you for calling ______, this is Molly, how may I help you? Oh hi Nicole! Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that! Mhmm. Got it. Okay, I'll do that right now. Thanks! Bye. (Hangs up) That was Nicole. She says you're fired.
-On the battle of the powerless

Molly: Here take these 10% off coupons upstairs with you.
Efren: Fuckin' do it yourself!
Molly: I take them up every fuckin' time! You're the teacher, you take them!
Efren: Get off your ass and do something!
Bobbie: Molly, I give you permission to fight him. This is a retail vs. cooking school battle.
Molly: What?! I'm gonna tell your students that their teacher is being a little bitch and refuses to give them their coupons so they're not getting a store discount.
Bobbie: I'll give you a promotion.
Efren: Bobbie, just because you park in the store lot doesn't mean you can give people promotions. What are you going to promote her to? Head duster?

(Right after Danny and Bethany got married)
Grandma: Well, Danny and Bethany... congratulations! I think you made a really good choice.
Danny: Thanks! Only time will tell!
Grandma: Well, you know, everything takes work. Right, Bill? Danny's Dad: You would know!
(Danny's mom just stares in shock)
Andrea: Mom, I think you just got served!
-On the institution of perserverance

"Molly, put your boobs away, you're making the baby hungry."
-Leeny, while a baby at the next table was staring at Molly during breakfast

Danny: So Mom, you said there are about 70 family and friends on the list of people you want to invite to the wedding, right?
Mom: Yes, but I don't expect all of them to attend. I also included Andrea and Molly and their significant...buddies, like Steve and Aileen.
Molly: I like how you just assume that Aileen will be my "significant buddy"...
Danny: For Christmas, you should get her a mug that says, "Significant Buddy" on it. Or maybe just, "The Significant One."
-On keeping the faith

Professor (calling roll): John Johnson?
Molly: Everyone here calls him Vicky. (silence)....has...has no one here seen So I Married an Axe Murderer?
-On semi-obscure references

Aileen: I finished peeling the carrots, and I must say, my work is exemplary.
Molly: Yeah, your peeling of carrots may be exemplary, but your performance and attitude certainly are not.
-On the carrot topper

Molly: I have someone coming over for dinner tomorrow night. Please try not to embarrass me.
Molly's Dad: Oh we won't do that. You'll do that yourself.
Molly: What the hell?!
-On the root of the problem

"I gotta get here early tomorrow. Early early. Really early. Like...on time."
-Vicki, planning for an important day at work

Colton: So I think I'm gonna get Godzilla, my Cocker Spaniel, a giraffe uniform.
Molly: For Halloween?
Colton (completely serious): No, just for everyday wear.
-On bad timing

"Molly, I think you'd be good at dodgeball because of your highly competitive nature and your urge to kill."
-Danny, on anger redirection

Molly: It just sucks, you know? I know he's not right for me and it's good that I ended it. But it's still hard.
Andrea: I know, but don't worry. You'll meet someone else and he'll hurt you way more than Emory ever did.
Molly: Thanks. You're really making me feel better right now.
Andrea: Seriously, though! This is nothing! He's not even worth getting upset over because someone else will make you feel sooo much worse.
-On breakup perspective

"I could grow it! I've thought about it. If I'm unemployed, I'll just grow it. My dad farms, I could grow it!"
-Professor Winkler, on her backup plan of growing weed

"You see? This is what I mean - it gets sticky! In more ways than one."
-Professor Winkler, on opening up a dispensary and whether it would be taxed

Aileen: Molly, I'm scared. You bring everything in! What if I act really suspicious and your parents think there's something wrong with me?
Molly: They already think that. Also they'd be more suspicious of me. They won't question you.
-Plotting the next step after Molly's parents came home while they were outside smoking

Andrea: I've had to watch out for Zoe all day today. That dog is horrible about stepping on feet! And after my toe surgery...it's like a target for her. My big toe is even bigger than usual.
(Everyone nods in agreement)
Mom: Oh, you don't have big toes!
Dad: Yes she does. She has Speir feet! Yeah, look at that! That's a Speir foot right there.
Danny: I have gorgeous feet. They're perfection.
Dad: Yeah, you've got nice toes. But you have Stefan feet. You didn't get those feet from me. Look at that nob! Nice toes, though.
Molly: I think I have Speir feet.
Dad: You've got hybrid feet. Those are winners. Perfect.
-During a discussion about feet at the dinner table, wherein everyone at some point held their foot up for inspection and critique

Carla: I received word from Kyle today. He told me of his travels and said it's really nice to be back in his bed with his cat asleep on his chest.
Tammy: Well I know how I'd be feeling if I were you. And that last visual was really cute.
Carla: It was fucking adorable!! I hope he can hit my sweet spots as physically as he hits them verbally.
Tammy: Well clearly he knows his way around a pussy.
-On soft landings

Molly: I took Gizmo to the dog park today to help his social skills.
Leeny: I hope you learned something too.
Molly: We both improved. I talked to the other owners and neither of us flipped over onto our backs.
-On upstanding behavior

Molly: I just hope I come into some cash soon. I mean, if I'm gonna start my own baking business, I guess you could say I'll... knead... the dough?
Andrea: Oh my God. I threw up a little just now... and I'm not sure if it's because I'm proud or appalled.
-On rising prospects

Leeny: Wow. That is a nice toilet.
Molly: Yeah, it is. Um, do you wanna maybe look at it when I'm NOT sitting on it, though?
-House-sitting and admiring the goods

Marisa: So we're all meeting in Ohio and then I'm flying home, my mom is flying home the day after me, and my dad and brother are going on a road trip together and driving back.
Molly: Road trips are always fun.
Marisa: Yeah, but they're gonna but driving like...25 hours a day. Can you imagine? UGH. Awful.
Molly: Well let's think about this for a second. How can you drive 25 hours daily if there are only 24 hours in a day?
Marisa: Wait, what do you mean?
Molly: Oh my God.

Marisa: Your Snuggie looks really comfortable.
Molly: Oh it is.
Marisa: Do they come in any other colors?
Molly: Yeah, but Ace Hardware, where I got mine, only carries it in blue.
Marisa: Oh, they only have it in blue? That sucks. Do they have it in pink?
Molly: ....No. They only have it in blue. Do you listen to yourself speak?
-On the overwhelming power of the Snuggie

Marisa: Wait, why is the popcorn taking so long to pop? We should be hearing it by now!
Molly: Beats me. The microwave has been going a few minutes now.
Marisa: ....Oh my God.
Molly: You forgot to put it in, didn't you?
Marisa: Yes!
Molly: How is that even possible? Aside from turning the microwave on, it's the only fucking step!
-Step 1: See Step 2

Molly: So do you still talk to Jazz?
Colton: No, but I heard she's pregnant! For like the third time.
Molly: Wait, she's been pregnant 3 times? She's 19!
Colton: Yeah! She got the other two sucked out, but I guess she decided to keep this one.
-On baby breakdowns

Molly: I can't believe Matt and Jake are no longer friends.
Leeny: I know!
Molly: We totally outlasted them though.
Leeny: Uh yeah! We'll beat them all!
Molly: By the way, I sometimes compare us to other friendships.
-On compatibility by comparison

Molly: I mean, it's not like we're wearing matching outfits! Snuggie is not an "outfit."
Leeny: True. It's a lifestyle.
-On that tight bond

Molly: So, for Halloween, I'm trying to decide what to go as.
Leeny: Go where? You mean you're trying to decide what to stay home as?
Molly: ....You know me too well.
-On essential early planning

Molly: You have like 60 friends on Facebook.
Leeny: I think I have less than that.
Molly: We can go on Facebook and find out.
Leeny: It's okay, Molly. I'm not trying to prove anything. What am I gonna prove? That I'm a loser?
Molly: Um... My argument is that you're not as much of a loser as you think you are.
Leeny: Wow... that was oddly... nice.

"I felt really weird doing that just now because....they're like our ancestors."
-Molly, impersonating monkeys crossing a river

Danny: I have to say... I actually didn't hate either of these deviled eggs. And I usually hate deviled eggs.
Morgan: Yeah, Molly. Yours was pretty good. I can see eating a few of them and not getting sick.
Andrea: What great compliments, you guys. "I actually don't hate them" and "I can eat them without throwing up."
Molly: Such a supportive family.
-After Molly challenged her uncle to an Easter deviled egg throw down

Danny: So, wait, you don't like ham?
Molly: I've never liked ham.
Danny: Okay, what about bacon? You like bacon, right?
Molly: Yeah, but only if it's extra crispy.
Danny: Yeah, that's the best. ....Crisp diddy....crisp diddy.....
Molly: Uhh....
Danny: ....I have no idea what that meant. I like... blacked out for a second.
-On the overpowering effect of dead pigs

"I guess all those nights of crying about the loss of Sesame Street are a wash."
-Professor Devine, on childhood regret

"When you think of Hemingway and all those guys, they've had the benefit of dying."
-Professor Devine, on morbid curiosity

"This guy was the closest thing to a monster that I've ever seen. He was incapable of picking up a video without crushing it into a thousand pieces."
-Professor Devine, on Mark McGwire

"You can say, 'I have six dollars.' You can't say, 'I have six moneys.' Well, you can say it, but you're gonna get those six moneys stolen from you, after you're beaten."
-Professor Devine, on legitimate financial consequences

"That's what writing is to me. It's pulling weeds. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's frustrating, sometimes you want to cry. Why can't that weed be a flower?"
-Professor Devine, on literary longing

"I read the newspaper this morning. That's my workout."
-Professor Devine, on physical strain

"I don't care if you wrote something that actually has the secret to life. You are never to read these journals ever again."
-Professor Devine, after assigning everyone to write in a journal every day

"What he did is he pointed a gun at her. And that is obviously...rude."
-Professor Devine, on improper tactics

Molly: Bye, Grandma!
Molly's Grandma: Oh, bye Molly! And good luck!
Molly: Thanks! ...Wait. With what? My Bobby Flay-style throwdown with Uncle Jerry or my diet?
Molly's Dad: Doesn't matter what it's for, you need all the luck you can get! Just take it!
-On questionable family encouragement

Molly: Hey I'm going to Peet's to get some coffee, do you want anything?
Efren: Is that the new singles bar down the street or something?
Molly: Oh shut up. Just answer the question.
Efren: I'll answer yours when you answer mine!
(Molly turns to leave)
Efren: Wait! Small coffee.
Molly: After you sassed me like that I don't know if I want to get you anything anymore.
Efren: .....are you still getting me one, though, or are you joking?
Molly: No, I'll still get one. How do you take your coffee, black like your men?

"Ohhhhh you got Cheez-Its! Sweet! I just bought a box the night before last, too! They put a special chemical in them that make you crave them fortnightly."
-Danny, on snack secrets

Leeny: Do you mind if I shrink you down and put you in my pocket and take you to work tomorrow?
Molly: I wouldn't want it any other way.
Leeny: All right then. Deal. Don't worry, the shrinking process is only excruciatingly painful for a minute. After that, it's just a continual itching sensation.
Molly: Is there any way to swap out the continual itching for a continual but minor burning sensation?
Leeny: It's a dollar extra.
Molly: I'll take it.
Leeny: Pleasure doing business with you.
Molly: Likewise.

"You're excited? I thought you'd be crushed! That's why I was excited!"
-Leeny's Dad, proving why kids hate their parents

Leeny: There's a kitty cat!
Leeny's Dad: Gosh, you just don’t see those anymore.
-On parents living too far in the future

"It's like when your parents give you a cigarette when you're five so you'll realize it's disgusting and never want to try it. That's why I'm giving you the salt substitute."
-Chef Seyfarth, handing out hard lessons in bad taste

Molly: So have you cancelled your date yet?
Leeny: I tried! But he was idle!
Molly: Maybe he'll get the message. The message being that a) you can't see him tomorrow and b) you don't want to see him... ever.
-Trying to cancel a date on AIM

"I thought we had you stabilized..."
-Leeny's Dad, after Leeny went on a rampage about bad spelling, grammar, and punctuation on a real estate flyer

Molly: She's doing the Career Sampler.
Aileen: What's that?
Molly: I think it’s like a shrimp sampler. You know, a little bit of everything.
-On buffet style jobs

"My eyes are just these things that...look. I don't need muscles to look! I promise you nobody will have these bulging heads because their eyes are so buffed out."
-Professor Devine, on not working out

"I couldn't name 41 languages. Okay, there's English, French, Japanese, German, Japanese, Russian... Spanish, and then I start making things up. Does Nigeria have its own language?"
-Professor Devine, the voice of limited diversity

Molly: Hey, Sweetcheeks.
Leeny: Hey, Honeybuns.
Molly: What's up?
Leeny: Eating Lucky Charms, you?
Molly: I thought I was your lucky charm.
Leeny: These are lesser charms. Not as lucky as you, and I don't eat them as often. Whoa I just blacked out.
Molly: QUOTE!
-And they still wonder why people think they're lesbians

"I've never been so happy to get my period. I had one of those moments. Maybe I was kind of hoping to abort, and that's why I drank. Also because of the guy. You know, when I get to heaven I'm going to thank all my unborn fetuses for sacrificing themselves for my happiness and sanity. I mean, just look at all those people with selfish babies who insisted on being born."
-Leeny, after a bitter break-up

"I don't want your instructions! I am a PRIMATE!!"
-Garrett, struggling with a video game

Garrett: Oh Katie; our little Scatologist.
Katie: Why? Because I pooed in a lake and blamed it on the dog?
-And there's that

"I have a trick that makes 'em go soft."
-Katie, supposedly talking about Now 'n Laters

Janet: How are you doing that, Efren? It's so straight!
Molly: Hey Efren, is that the first time your name has been associated with the word "straight"?
Efren: That was a good one, Molly! Is this the first time you've ever eaten a salad?
Molly: ....touche.
-While Efren trimmed a tenderloin and Molly ate lunch

Molly: Hurry up, I have a particle in my throat.
Leeny: Okay. What kind of particle, by the way? Subatomic?
Molly: Dorito.
-While making Irish Car Bombs

"I'm very open-mouthed about food."
-Katie, on the fat kind of open-mindedness

"I feel so refreshed. I feel like I've just been through a waterfall...of lava!"
-Garrett, after an especially refreshing shower

Efren: So there's two priests in the class tonight, huh? Maybe I'll just teach the entire class with my pants around my ankles.
Molly: You're 32, I don't think you can pass for a 12-year-old boy. Well, I guess actually you could if you teach with no pants.
(A few minutes later after hearing the two priests talking loudly to each other)
Efren: What is this, Battle Priest? Send 'em on up!!
-So two priests walk into a cooking school...

Bethany: Let's get the thicker bamboo strips, not these ones.
Danny: Molly and I just had a discussion over which ones to get and we decided to get the thin ones. Soooo.... over-ruled.
Bethany: Well, sorry! The thicker ones absorb more flavor.
Danny: No, no! It's fine. You're just obviously a dumbass. Hey, aren't these the mushrooms that are usually used in Thai Curry?
Bethany: Kind of looks like it.
Danny: I'm sorry, there's something wrong with me. I don't know why I said that. About the mushrooms, not for calling you a dumbass.
-Nothing fight at the Asian market

Customer: You should know that my name is "Crime", and as you know, crime doesn't pay.
Gretta: Well in this store it does.
-Security system coming soon

Molly: How's the wheelchair guy you always see around?
Leeny: Well I saw him in Pigott the other day. He was with a girl. I mean, they were just sitting and talking. Well of course he was sitting.....but, I don't know.
-Sitting pretty, as usual

"Okay I need to clean myself immediately. I wish I had the ability to burst into flames and then be born again from my ashes. I'd have a clean start every time. Who needs to shower when you can burst into flames?"
-Molly, on showering alternatives for lazy people

"Come up here without your computer and beg for forgiveness in the form of a pencil!"
-Professor Wery, insisting on the "old-fashioned way"

Blake: You guys have been going out so much, I'm missing all the fun!
Lulu: You just haven't been around much.
Blake: I know, I'm sorry. Tonsillitis has ripped up my throat.
Lulu: Yes, Blake. "Tonsillitis" ripped up your throat....
-Just kidding, a dick did

"Remember to spell my name right - you will fail the class if you forget the 'H' at the end."
-Professor Seyfarth, cutting to the chase

Molly: Fuck! My necklace just broke!
Efren: I'll make you a new one if you give me a minute.
Molly: ...Ohhhhkay, that is disgusting and also not worth 70 euros.
-Who's the pervert?

Colin: Shut up, you fag!
Leah: Can we NOT use that term?
Colin: I'm sorry. Shut up Kyle, you.... stupid...person!!!
Lulu: That was a good one, Colin. You really showed him. (To everyone else) A few weeks ago we timed Colin to see how long it would take him to come up with an insult for me and it took 13 minutes.
Colin: You know what, Annalu? I actually thought of something after 2 seconds, that's why they call me Colin "2 seconds" Ryan!
Lulu: That's what the girls call you, at least.

"That's not fair, I cheated!! ...I mean I accidentally grabbed that from the bottom of my deck!"
-Colin, while playing Egyptian Rat Screw and losing even after cheating

Kiki: Can we just finish already?
Colin: That's what she said.
Lulu: But that's not what she should be saying! What kind of girls are you hanging out with?!
(Colin nods towards Kiki)
Lulu: I feel sorry for you, Kiki.
-Flying under the pop culture radar

Lulu's Grandma: I do like Obama! He is elegant and handsome! You see? Sometimes being prejudice is a good thing.
Lulu: But you can't just base your opinions on your prejudices!
Lulu's Grandma: I don't! I base them on my horoscopes!!
-Caution: Old generation at work

Blake: "The fragrance is in the bottle, but the scent is in you..."
Lulu: Sounds like vag juice.
-Reading the tag line for personalized perfume made from your DNA

"I just - I love that! You know? This poem! 'When I am sad and weary, When I think all hope has gone, When I walk along High Holborn I think of you with nothing on.' It's so great! Think about that. You know, you work on Wall Street or something, you're having a crappy day, and then you just think of that one person back home, lying there waiting for you, naked. That, to me, is just...infinite joy."
-Professor Shapiro, on the finer things in life

Professor Shapiro: ....And there are times when, you know, there are words that you just think, "It's hard to get my mouth around that!" And--
Molly: That's what she said.
-Class dismissed

"Rest assured true love does exist. And it is amazing, and great, and everything you hoped it would be. It may not happen on the first try, but that's what murder is for."
-Professor Shapiro, on fresh starts

Leeny's Dad: I used to love chicken hearts.
(Stunned silence)
Leeny: You should never eat anything's heart.
Leeny's Dad: But it gives you the strength of that animal. I have the strength of a chicken!
-On weak families

"I think the only way to make rejection not awkward is to...eliminate the possiblity of rejection. With roofies."
-Lulu, on skipping a step

Leeny: Happy birthday.
Leeny's Dad: Thanks.
Leeny: Are you 57?
Leeny's Dad: Yes. But I can read at a 60-year-old level.
-On a man ahead of his time

Kyle: This paper has a mild smell.
Colin: You have "the nose," you freakin' labrador!
-After receiving a handout in class

"All my friends compare my dad's girlfriend to Sarah Palin.... which is to say she's retarded but pretty."
-Katie, on backhanded compliments

Leeny: Why are you looking at me like that?
Molly: Why are you standing there, curled up, weeping?
-When getting high takes a turn for the worse

"Do you ever get so drunk you just start head-butting your friends?"
-Kyle, on one good reason not to hit up the bars with him

Lulu: I have so many clothes from Larkin that I stole from him while we were together.
Molly: I don't think I have any clothes that I've taken.
Lulu: You should just start stealing stuff from everybody in general.
-Sage advice

"Lewis would shit on your chest he's so smart!"
-Kyle, on relative levels of intelligence

Kyle: Colin, sai ballare? (Do you know how to dance?)
Colin: Si!
Kiki (Colin's girlfriend): No!!
Colin: You know what, Kiki? That's the last time I ballare with you! I'll find a new ragazza to ballare with. Ballare in my room!
-When exercises in language take a turn for the worse

Katie: Okay, who hasn't paid yet?
Sam: I put in $10.
Katie: Oh, Kyle just took it.
Kyle: I grabbed it and threw in a 20.
Ollie: Wow, you just snaked it!
Kyle: That's why they call me "Snakes"!
-Revealing nicknames that probably shouldn't have come out yet

Ollie: Is your camera vodka-proof?
Molly: No.
Ollie: Okay, yes, but is it tequila-proof?
Molly: Ummm..... still no.
Ollie: Ooooh, okay.... because I just spilled my shot on it....
Molly: Goddammit.
-On second chances

Ollie: Kyle, what the fuck are you doing?
Kyle: I'm trying to take a sick picture of the stream below the surface! These hot springs are baller, yo!
Sam: His camera is waterproof.
Ollie: Yeah but I don't think its fuckin' thermal-waterproof!
-Good question?

Professor Francesca: Colin, sei un po' tardi a classe, oggi. Perchè? [You are a little late to class today. Why?]
Colin: Si, yes, I know. Mi dispiace. You see, mia madre woke up late stamattina and io... had to mangia breakfast. ....And then I got lost in the fog.
-Colin, trying to be serious about why he was late

Lulu: Why would a human condom work for an alien?
Blake: Look, all I'm saying is...
Lulu: Okay, say you were hooking up with an alien. Would you--
Molly: What the fuck are you guys talking about?!
Lulu: Oh.... this is uncomfortable.
-On space sex

Blake: Should we leave or get more cocktai?
Lulu: Cocktai?! Is that the new plural of cockails now?
-Unless it's something gayer

Molly: This Altoid is rocking my world.
Colin: Wanna rock my world?
Molly: That's your hand's job.
-Back to basics

Colin: Molly!! Molly how was your date! How was your weekend, girl? You got laid! Molly got FUCKED! Don't deny it, you got fucked! Yeahhh girl! Shake that ass! Just shake that ass, girl!! Yeahhhhhh! You know it!!!
Molly: Colin, shut the fuck up!! People are staring!
Annaluccia: Colin, there's a tour group of old people right behind you and all of them are watching!
Colin: I don't care about no fuckin' old people!! Shake that ass!
-Tough times in public

Katie: I like your shirt, Colin!
Colin: Why don't you just call me Bumblebee then!
-On true expressions of negativity

Colin: Tell them pigeons to come over here and shake them asses, yeahhhhhh! Get those pigeons over here so I can tell them the pigeon story!
Annaluccia: What story would you tell the pigeons?
Colin: The CHEESE story!!
-On drunken teasers

Colin: I found this sick rock in Cinque Terre, check it out! It's so smooth. Smooth and round. And hard.
Carla: Wow.... it's very... heavy. Are you just planning on carrying it on the bus?
Colin: I'll put it in my pocket!
Molly: Colin's never had anything this hard ... or big .... in his pants before, so this should be exciting for him.
-Mother Nature sets the bar

Molly: Colin, I like you better when you're drunk.
Colin: Oh yeah? Well I like you better when you're 100 miles away fucking some Italian guy, shakin' that ass!
-Getting it all out

Colin: You know what, Annaluccia? You should just go! You should just go and eat some pasta! Eat your pasta and go to sleep!
Annaluccia: Colin, what if you were naked and eating pasta with Kiki?
Colin: I would just culminate the experiences and explode!!!
-On truly stimulating times

Kyle: Yo, why would you go after Italian guys? They all smell so bad! They smell horrible!
Analuccia: Where have you been sniffing Italian guys?
Kyle: Not telling you!
-Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Kyle: Come sei dice "giraffe" in Italiano?
Francesca: ...Giraffe?
Kyle (pointing to picture): Si.
Colin: That's a zebra. Learn your animals in English, first.
-On foreign animals

Collin: Molly, what are you doing tonight? (wink)
Molly: I'm not answering that.
Collin: How about you and me, my bed, tonight, naked?
Molly: I'm not that brave.
Collin: Good response, good response!
-On polite declines

Molly: They do have games here! I knew it! We just have to find them.
Collin: Molly, do they really have games or are you just saying they do so we'll look like idiots and go look for them?
Molly: No, they actually do! ...And if I wanted to make you look like an idiot it wouldn't take much, believe me.
-On stupid questions

"Molly, Nessie's birthday is on Tuesday. What are you getting her so I don't get her the same thing?"
-Aileen, on her dog's birthday

Efren: I went to my parents' high school reunion! I went with my dad and left with my mom. Yeah...I shot out of my dad's penis.
Molly: ...I'm really uncomfortable right now.
-On things you don't want to hear from your coworkers

Molly's Mom: Your grandmother is really going to miss you when you move to Italy.
Molly: Yeah, I'm going to miss her, too.
Molly's Mom: She's always afraid that whenever you kids leave, she'll die before she gets to see you again.
Danny: Yeah... that's one of the reasons I moved home from Japan, so I can spend as much time with her as possible.
(Uncomfortable silence in car) ...Molly, how guilty do you feel right now?
Molly: I'm laughing right now only because it's the alternative to crying. Thanks, Mom.
-On fringe benefits

Professor Quittman: Do any of you think that works?
Kevin: I think it does.
Professor Quittman: You can tell me how in a minute, but it doesn't.
-On pre-emptive embarrassment

Professor Quittman: James Harris, you're headed to hell.
James: Why's that?
Professor Quittman: Just something I like to say periodically.
-On pertinent sporadic advice

Molly's Dad: What's this? I thought you were watching House.
Molly: I am.
Molly's Dad: But this is a DVD.
Molly: I know. It's House.
Molly's Dad: But... that's a TV show....
Molly: You know, these days you can rent TV shows on DVD...
Molly's Dad: Oh my God... what will they come up with next?!
-Moving generations forward one step at a time

Janet: Efren, I wouldn't wear my bathing suit around you if you paid me $2 million.
Efren: I would pay you $2 million NOT to wear a bathing suit around me.
-You just saved: $2 million

Customer: It's hot out there!
Molly: Is it?
Customer: Yeah. Well, you obviously don't get much sun, do you? Is that on purpose?
Molly: ...Umm, no, not really. I'm just in here all the time, working.
Customer: Yeah... you're very white. I used to be pale, but not like you. I'm just going to browse for a bit.
Molly: Okay... if you have any questions, let me know.
-Strictly business?

Leeny: Adrianna, what's your screen name?
Adrianna: Why?
Leeny: What do you mean, why? So I can talk to you online!
Adrianna (completely serious): ....Oh. Here, I'll give you the one I don't use very often.
Leeny: What the hell kind of answer is that?!
-Rejected before the first keystroke

Danny: So I've decided to name all my kids after various types of cheese.
Molly: What?! Like what?
Danny: Yeah. I'm gonna name them like... Brie, Jack, Colby, Fontina...
Molly: What will you tell them if they ask about their names?
Danny: I'm not gonna say anything! Here's my plan: I'm just gonna wait until they figure it out themselves. One day they'll be like, "Oh my God... we all have names of various cheeses!" And it'll be AWESOME.
Molly: You don't have a lot going for you, do you?

Andrea: Danny, what's the weirdest thing you ate while in Japan?
Danny: Hmmm, the craziest thing? That's a tough one! Probably raw horse.
Andrea: Sick!
(10 minutes later)
Danny: Oh! I ate whale, Andrea! It tasted like endangered species.
-After Danny came home from living in Japan for 2 years

(Answering the phone) "Hello? Who is this? Oh Stephy! I thought you said 'Scruffy' which is my dog’s name, and I thought 'How can she be calling me when she's sitting right here?'"
-Stephy's Grandma, voicing the least logical reason why the dog couldn't be calling her

Vicki: ...So I walked into the ladies room, right? And--
Geoffrey: The important thing is is that you got the right bathroom.
Vicki: Well, I walked into the men's room, first, but I didn't think that was pertinent.
-Starting off a story on the wrong foot

Molly: I just saw the Dean Cain meter-man on my way over to the Taqueria!
Bobbie: Jump him! OFFER HIM A TACO!!!
Molly: Hahahaha! Which one?
-On tough calls

Colton: So just keep calling me until you're sure that I'm awake.
Molly: Will do.
Colton: What should our password be, "Star Jones"?
Molly: Why do we need a password if I'm calling you?
Colton: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.
-Trying to make plans for the following morning

Andrea (on the phone): Hey, where the hell are you? Molly and I are waiting.
Matt: I'll be there in three shakes of a Persian kitten's whiskers.
Andrea: ...I don't...okay, whatever. Hurry up. See you...soon.
-On lamb's tail alternates

Vicky: This one time I was at James' house for like the 5th time and I found a fuckin' bathroom. And every time I stay there, I'm there for like a week or two! One day I opened a door and it was another bathroom! I was just like "WHAT THE FUCK?! THIS IS THE 8TH BATHROOM!"
Molly: Hahaha! Can you imagine being high and making that discovery?!
Vicky: I WAS!!!
Molly: Hahaha! I'm not surprised.
-On extended privacy

Gretta: You have been really red this week. It's weird.
Molly: I know! It's so crazy! I just randomly get really hot and I have no idea why!
Patricia: Hot flashes. Maybe you're going through early menopause!
Gretta: Yeah...is it contageous?
-Discussing medical issues with older coworkers

"Ahhhhhh!! ...That just scared the HELL out of me! I thought I saw a UFO but it was a seagull. That happens to me a lot."
-Leeny, on familiar scares

Molly: Oh man. It's so boring downstairs right now. There's nothing to do. We have no one in the store! And I've already dusted and shit.
Efren: I'm sure there's something to do. You're just being Molly.
Molly: What the hell?!! ...Wow. The fact that I'm offended that you said I was being myself probably isn't a good thing....

"What would we do if there was a wild man in the park? We would send the police to capture him and confine him, not send a holy prostitute!"
-Professor Raz, discussing present day alternatives to mythological problems in Gilgamesh

Molly: Oh, my God. Check out that guy's Handlebar Moustache!!!
Molly's Dad: Ha! Wow, he's got the mustache wax and everything goin' on!
Molly: I have to get a picture of this. That's intense.
Molly's Dad: What ya gotta do is get out your phone and get it to the camera part right now. Have it ready. Then follow him and hide some place ahead of him and wait for him to come around the corner. It's like hunting wild game!
Molly: Have you done this before, or something?
-On familiar games at Costco