Bridget

Sarah: That's what you get for being the W word.
Bee: A whore?
Evan: No, a woman.
-On possible same differences

Kristain: It's 11am on a Wednesday. Why are you buying a 5 liter box of wine?
Bee: I don't understand the question.
-Thinking inside the box

Sarah: You sprained your left ankle last weekend. Why are you favoring that leg?
Bee: Because when I fell last night I took all the skin off my right knee and it hurts to keep it straight.
Sarah: You're not allowed to wear heels when you've been drinking.
-On what every woman knows but can't bring themselves to do

Brie: You can see my Britney.
Jessie: And your J. Lo.
Brenna: AND YOUR VAGINA!
-Slow on the upskirt

"I'm extremely handsome, I have the physique of a Greek god, I'm hung like a bloody fucking horse, I'm witty and amazingly intelligent, and I make a ton of money. I really need to work on my self confidence though."
-Mick, on persistent shortcomings

"I'm making a 'bastard ex' playlist while looking at pictures of bears and eating peanut butter from the jar. He's engaged. You know, I think I AM winning this break up."
-Bee, on the battles of the exes

"I'm buying a swimsuit and I can get it monogrammed and I don't know what coloring would look best, cypress or navy! I'm very concerned! ...This is my life. I cry at bars and order monogrammed suits from J. Crew while coping with a sunburn. Could I be any more white?"
-Bee, on the plight of the white girl

Bee: I'm going to be a mob boss instead of a teacher now. Know anyone you want dead?
Sarah: I think I'm okay for today, but I'll let you know.
Bee: Just let me know. I can offer a wide variety of services including, but not limited to, breaking legs, drowning bitches, gambling, and something that involves Frank Sinatra.
-On the variety pack

Random Guy: Hey you heard about that swine flu?
Bee: Are you talking to me? ....Is that seriously how you approach females in bars?
Random Guy: I figure if I can get you to talk about the swine maybe you'll become familiar with my hog.
-Getting diseases out of the way first for a change

Josh: Bad decisions lead to good stories.
Katie: Bad decisions lead to genital warts.
Josh: Whoa...
Katie: Not too far.
Josh: You have genital warts?
Katie: Yeah but they're not nearly as bad as the crabs.
-On revealing one's badges of dishonor

Erica: I want to be able to do something special.
Bee: ...alright.
Erica: I mean with the smoke.
Bee: Oh okay, I thought you meant with your life! Like a talent. I was going to say, it's a little late for that.
-On smaller scale inspiration

Bee: Oh, I kissed that boy last night.
Shannon: WHAT? How could you leave out this important piece of information?!
Bee: Wasn't no thang.
Shannon: I have no sexual contact with boys for years. Anything is a big deal, I'm living vicariously through you.
-When the spank bank runs low on deposits

Chris: Fuck you!
Brie: You wouldn't like it. I just lay there.
Chris: Most women are better that way.
-On casual sex

Bee: And I was like, "Keep driving motherfucker! I'm not interested!"
Jackie: Look at her yelling "motherfucker"... you look like a Care Bear!
-On unconvincing verbal assaults

Brie: I'm not a fan of man cleavage.
Bee: It's just a general rule of thumb, my shirt should always be lower than yours.
-On moob prevention

"I'm not going to get pregnant... he's a virgin, stupid."
-Sarah, on the importance of practice

Bee: I was at the store today and I realized I had enough money for either beer or food for the week. So I just bought cans instead of bottles.
Dillon: I could so marry you. Marry me. Please?
-On minimum requirements met

Sarah: I want that huge bottle of wine!
Kristie: Sarah...that's vodka.
Sarah: Look! It has 3 grapes on it!
Kristie: THAT IS 3 OLIVES VODKA DUMB ASS.
-On cultured shock

Landon: I feel like there are a lot of people in bars I know but I can't pinpoint how exactly.
Charlie: Yeah that happens a lot in rehab.
-On effective foreshadowing

"I'm not going to name names, but I want to throw out there that if I were a dude and I was dating a certain female that bitch would get a slap in the mouth for dinner every night."
-Bee, on not-so-mysterious servings

Erica: I look stupid...I'm going to the bar in sweatpants! I look like a bum.
Bee: ...I'm wearing a cheetah cardigan. I look like a cougar.
-Not surprisingly, both still have equal shots at hooking up

6-Year Old Girl: How old are you?
Bee: I'm 21.
6-Year Old Girl: You know I've seen Sex and the City before. I'm a Samantha but I don't know what that means. Is it really like that? Do a lot of guys buy you drinks? I bet they do. You're so a Carrie.
-Not as much growing up to do as you'd think

Random Guy: I want a shot with...orange juice, grenadine, pineapple liquor and Malibu rum.
Bee: Would you like some balls with that?
-Called out at the bar

Bee: My bad dude...
Jessi: I'm not even mad! Your ass farts smell like flowers and sanitation!
-In that case, let her rip

"You can be my lesbian girlfriend and no one will dispute it because I look kinda dykey and you're wearing leopard print."
-Jessi, on gay giveaways

Bee: I don't like it when you yell at me.
Brian: When was I yelling at you?!
Bee: WHEN YOU YELL YOU'RE YELLING!
-On precise moments in time

Brie: Yeah...guys just never hit on me.
Bee: No, it's not you. I just look easy.
-On mitigating attraction factors

"Hey, would you say Friday is 4 days away?"
-Bee, looking for guidance on Monday

"I promise, if I was too drunk to drive I would be puking right now. I promise, it's really okay. (2 minutes after they arrive) Dude, I just puked like six times in your trash can I'm sorry."
-Brian, clearly suffering from... motion sickness

Dan: Walkatoes.
Brian: Walka..what? What does that mean?
Dan: WALKATOES...means Imma cut you...BITCH.
-Dan, after being woken up while passed out drunk

Bee: Welcome to the gun show! You know what, they should have boob shows...we would totally win.
Sarah: Those are called wet t-shirt contests.
Bee: Righttttt...
-On public talents

Sarah: What should I give up for Lent?
Bee: I don't know, I'm giving up sex.
Sarah: You can't give up something you're not getting...
-Maybe virginity?

"He roughed my ass!"
-Sarah, on forced backdoor entry

Sarah: You just slapped me in the face!
Dan: Well what did you expect me to do?!
-Overheard from the bedroom

Bee: But if we go then we have to drive there and then drive all the way back.
Sarah: ...why?
Bee: Because this is where we live here.
Sarah: Oh rightttttt.
-On the long way around

Sarah: Yeah, well your mom can't fuck well.
Sly: OH YES SHE... shit.
Sarah: PERV.
-Stuck between a rock and a hard place

"You know why they call it a Pap smear? Cause they smear your cha cha where your papa is gonna fuck ya!"
-Sarah, on complex medical terminology

Guy: Honey, can we do it in the ass tonight?
Girl: It's not your birthday.
Guy: Damn it...you bitch. I bet you're going to make me wear a condom too!
Girl: That's something you and your hand need to discuss later because I will be coming no where near you tonight.
-Overheard in the cafeteria (neither the time nor place)

Random guy: So why don't you have a boyfriend?
Bee: Well I don't have a lot of free time and...
Drunk Shannon: SERIOUSLY DUDE? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? HUH? WHY IS SHE SINGLE...WELL WHY ARE YOU A DOUCHEBAG? I'M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT.
-And there's your real reason

Kelly: Will you hurry up and eat, you're taking forever.
Bee: Shut your mouth, woman. I need to savor this. It's the only "foot long" that's going to be inside of me for the next 5 to 7 days.
-Filling up for the dry spell

Sarah: Taco Bell is hell.
Bee: Or heaven.
Sarah: Purgatory?
Bee: Yeah...ORGASM PURGATORY!
-On middling fast food

"Dude dude man, dude motherfucker queer weed dude, pussy pussy you're a pussy fuck......and I just covered every conversation we've had for the last 3 hours."
-Bee, attempting to cultivate some sort of awareness

Bee: What should I tell this guy?
Sarah: To fuck off.
Bee: He's really sweet though, I want to be nice.
Sarah: Please fuck off?
-Fine tuning the art of rejection

Random Guy: You have really beautiful eyes.
Shannon: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? HUH? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, ASSHOLE?
-Shannon, clearly not a happy drunk

Random girl: Umm why you gotta be all awkward and shit and stare at my tits?
Sarah: Uh no...why are you naked in the hallway?
-On the classic dorm debate