I am suing the crap out of Dunkin' Donuts. I don't really have a choice. Their coffee burned my soul, and they are going to pay. Read More »

Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to step in here and fix the economy. When you are unemployed, the last thing you want is responsibility, but sadly, you can't send a stimulus package to do a hero's job. It's really pretty simple though. In order to move forward, we have to learn from our successes, not our mistakes. Read More »

I didn't want to do this. I generally abhor the declaration of war on anybody. But I have been given no choice. Today is a date that will live in infamy. The enemy has brought the battle and has drawn first blood. I am now an army of one, fighting to end the atrocity that has crippled so many: gratuitous old man nudity in the locker room. Read More »

Eat your heart out Fox News. Yesterday CNN posted the headline "Cowboy who won $232 million lottery known as ‘good kid'." PHEW! Read More »

I have been asked to be a bouncer at a swingers' party. I bet you didn't have a clue that such a job existed. These get-togethers give off the impression that swingers live in a realm of total anarchy. Not so. I've been told that the job entails being a doorman/hole monitor. Ah yes, apparently a wife swap has a few quid pro quos, one being that certain holes are often off-limits. Read More »

The Supreme Court Justices gather around the round table for their annual weekly meeting.

Stevens: Okay, it's that time of the year again, Lawyer League Softball! We have to figure out who is going to fill the holes in our lineup.

Alito: Don't you mean hole? Read More »

This is a description of next Friday night. The cast of characters is a typical group of guys named Benny, Eric, Stevens, and Marvelous, listed in order of bachelor evolution from true relationship Neanderthal to engaged and no longer erectus homo. Read More »

This is the tale of the rise and fall of one of the most famous horses ever, Iron-Shoed Mike. As a bastard child, Iron-Shoed was fed nails and whipped mercilessly until a rage brewed inside of him. He burst on the scene wearing all black and blowing away the field by 25 furlongs at the Kentucky Derby. Read More »

Congratulations, Steve Perry and company. You fuckin' nailed it. You wrote the perfect song for drunk and sober people alike. I thought that you had simply accomplished my dream and were essentially a one hit wonder. False. I did some research on you guys and discovered that Journey is a totally legit band. Read More »

Okay dude, I have a pretty decent proposal for you. I was going to buy an anniversary gift for Shelley, but instead, I am offering you the last 6 bucks in my wallet to fuck your girlfriend. We both know you need the money and I need a vacation from my monotonous monogamy. Read More »

Somebody sent me a picture the other day of an outfit that Britney Spears is wearing on her latest Circus Tour. I immediately noticed a very familiar, yet troubling sight: her vagina. Britney was for some reason wearing a crotchless get up with only transparent hosiery. Read More »

I think I have figured out a way to save the Earth. Having just performed a blind taste test on 6000 people regarding 200 various liquids based on drinkability, it turns out that ocean water comes in at #183 on the charts, fitting snugly between horse semen and Bud Light Clamato. The most common response to drinking the brackish lager? "What the fuck, man? Read More »

Travis, the 200-pound chimpanzee and star of various commercials including Old Navy and Coca-Cola, went a tiny bit ape shit last week and ripped the face off one of his owner's friends causing life threatening injuries. Read More »

I had never had a one-night stand...until last night. I awoke this morning a new man, proudly admiring the brown stain splattered across the ceiling. I had finally sealed the deal, but not just that, I boned like a rock star. The leftovers told the tale of a heroic evening, for there were remnants of a night filled with X-rated debauchery everywhere. Read More »

I'm pretty sure this is the latest it's ever been and Chris Browning would want to know. That guy appreciates important moments in history. That's what makes him a golden god. He'd understand how fucking late it was and how great we were for being a part of it. Read More »

Don't look now, but the next time you see a rainbow, it may have gone Green. Riding record profits and a revamped public image, Green has announced a takeover bid that would drastically change the world of refraction. This news comes on the heels of last month's Blindigo merger. Read More »

Dear Boss,

I have a confession to make. I probably should have told you a long time ago before things got out of hand. I guess I should start at the beginning, back when I started working here. I was a recent college grad looking to find a way to stand out among my homogenous peers and I have to admit that I did not play fair. I took steroids. Read More »

I did it bitches. I fuckin' healed the world. I just GDCed my way into the hearts and minds of billions of people and cured cancer. That sweet techno beat I threw down on the chorus underneath those buttery lyrics is so money that it eliminated world poverty. Read More »