College Quotes
Frank: I am Guillermo Sanchez, great grandson of the Mexican desperado Don Juan Diego Sanchez, you may have heard of him.
Meaghan: See, I don't believe that, mostly because someone just told me your name was Frank.
Frank: Goddammit.
-On unwanted shortcomings
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School: University of Washington
Class of: 2007
Hometown: Spokane, WA
At a Glance:
After graduation, I did an internship with The Onion. Also published humor articles with The Cynic, Defenestration, The Cheers, and reviews with The Onion.Comedy Articles:
The Twisted Christmas Miracle in the Woods4 comments, 4.7 stars
As I stood in the woods digging the hole to bury the old man, I realized he wasn't quite dead. And that's when he told me a story of Christmas I'll never forget.
Milestone Legal Case: Rudolph v. North Pole Reindeer Team (1964)1 comments, 4.4 stars
Rudolph 'the Red-Nosed Reindeer' Jenkins, famous for being discriminated against because of the color of his nose, and not allowed to join the reindeer team, was in court following the Christmas of 1963.
Lovely Love Poem3 comments, 3.8 stars
Our love was real. Our love was true. Our love was like a cat that had ample milk to drink in a bowl of purity. Or some weird simile like that, you know?
Nothing Was Written in Stone, Fred, You Know That0 comments, stars
Dear Fred, I'm sure by now you have realized I'm gone. It's not that I didn't love you. I did. We had some really great times in the early days. But I couldn't wait for you anymore. -Wilma
The Kings of Sesame Street0 comments, stars
Hanging out with Kermit was like getting a backstage pass into a world of cool and exclusivity. He knew all the important guys in town and seemed to have been with every girl worth being with.
Impromptu Oscar Acceptance Speech3 comments, 3.8 stars
Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters.
A Public Service Announcement for the Awareness of Unicorns3 comments, 2.0 stars
What if unicorns ran the world? Could such a wondrous time exist? Would they allow regular horses to stay? I'm sure you ask yourself this every day. I know I do.
My Starbucks Employment Application15 comments, 3.3 stars
We at Starbucks take coffee very seriously, dating it for six months before we even consider making a breast move. If you would not sell your own mother into white slavery for a good espresso, please just go apply at Tully’s.
Help, I've Broken the Glass Ceiling!1 comments, 1.8 stars
911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke “the glass ceiling” by becoming a woman in power?
Dracula Runs for County Judge, District 30 comments, 2.5 stars
A county judge has to use his intellect and sense of decency and fairness to decide important issues facing people's destinies. That's why I have decided to run for this judgeship.
Why the Hell Does Columbus Get a Holiday?3 comments, 2.9 stars
Why the hell does Columbus get a holiday? Hey, Columbus, you bastard, did you realize America was already discovered by the people living there. It didn't need discovering! The Norwegians got there first.
I Have Nothing Against Rabbits2 comments, 4.3 stars
I’ve gotten a bad rap for what I’ve said about rabbits, but it was completely misconstrued. In fact, some of my best friends are even rabbits.
