Courtney

Ashley: Taste this water, it's so good!
Courtney (tasting): It tastes like tap water to me. Waste of money, Ash.
Ashley: Oh wait...I refilled that with tap water earlier. Nevermind.
-Not exactly a poster child for Smart Water

Courtney (handing off an unwanted shot): Here, some creeper bought this for me and I don't want it... have a shot.
Random Guy: Alright, thanks! Hey, what's your name, baby?
Courtney (walking away): I don't know.
-Passing the torch from one creepy guy to another

Random Girl 1 (pointing at TV behind bar): Look, it's the medal ceremony for Michael Phelps' 8th gold medal! Aww, he looks like he's so happy he could cry...
Random Girl 2: His mom must be so proud...I bet she's crying.
Courtney: I would do terrible things to that boy.
-Ruining an innocent moment

Bre: Well, technically he's not married anymore...
Courtney: Ok, new rule--if he's purchased a wedding band, it's probably a bad idea.
-Don't count your chickens before the ink on the divorce papers is dry

Courtney: It's a learned behavior. She keeps calling you because she knows you'll answer the phone if she calls 5 times in a row.
Jason: Look at you, Ms. Psychologist.... You're right, it's like Pavlov's dogs. Like, I ring a bell and she licks my nuts!
Courtney: It's not exactly...nevermind.
-Taking Psych 101 from the classroom to the world of crazy exes