Frank

Joy: I don't get it, I should be good at this, I'm good at tennis.
Frank: Joy, tennis and golf don't have much in common.
Joy: Yes they do. They both have a racket that's an extension of your hand.
Frank: First of all, it's called a club in golf and secondly, by that logic, that's like saying my penis is a racket.
-On skill by association

"That kid is going to grow up to be a douchebag. I'm going to punch him now as a preemptive punch because I don't wanna have to go to some club on the Jersey Shore to punch him when he turns 21."
-Frank, on getting shots in while you can

Frank: No way! You recorded Starship Troopers?
Wendy: Yep.
Frank: OH MY GOD YOU ARE THE BEST SISTER EVER! I know I've never said this but, I LOVE YOU!
-On family tipping points

Frank: Has it occurred to any of you that what we're doing right now is the start of a horror movie? Five guys driving to a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
Steve: Nope. First of all, it's the middle of the day. Second, we don't have a black guy with us. If no one can die first, no one can die at all.
-On ruling out the darkest of scenarios

Dylan: Frank, I'll let you be my kids' dirty uncle only if you promise you'd use them to pick up chicks.
Frank: Of course I would. Now how would I use little kids to pick up chicks?
Kyle: Be overly fatherly to them. Once women see you're doing a good job as an uncle, they'll automatically assume you'd do a good job as a father.
Frank: Or I could use the kids to slip roofies in her drink.
-On relative qualification

Kyle: Fuck, I hate having no money.
Frank: Well, all you have to do is-
Jef: Frank, if you say go into porn-
Frank: Dammit. I was going to say that. Well, you could also whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for a thousand dollars apiece. Or five really fat chicks for ten thousand dollars apiece.
Jef: Is whoring yourself out to fat chicks your solution to everything?
Frank: Yep. Need money? Whore yourself out to fat chicks. Lack life experience? Whore yourself out to fat chicks. Bored? Whore yourself out to fat chicks. What? Fat chicks need love too. Except they gotta pay!

Deep: Aw man, I feel like this food is going to come out the way it came.
Reuben: I feel like my stomach got shot from the inside out.
Frank: I don't know what you guys are complaining about. I'm awesome. I just feel my stomach getting less hungry.
-At hungover breakfast

Frank: Hold on, you don't have any money.
Alexa: Yes.
Frank: Kyle, you have no money too right?
Kyle: Not only that, I also owe money.
Frank: Great, you guys can make a porno together. Tape yourselves having sex, put it on the internet, profit.
Kyle: Uh, no.
Frank: No, it's cool, I'll direct too. I'll just take 10%. Wait, I won't direct, 'cause that'll just be awkward.
Alexa: Right, because you directing would be the only awkward thing in this whole equation.
-On throwing them a bone

Pat: Guys, I'm gonna have to leave soon.
Carlton: Really? Come on, you can stay longer.
Frank: Why do you have to go?
Pat: It's kind of embarrassing.
Carlton: Oh, now you gotta tell us. Why do you have to leave?
Pat: My girlfriend's freaking out 'cause she left her birth control pills in my room and I have to get it for her.
Frank: Just tell the bitch to come over and get your keys and she can go get it herself. Besides, that's not really embarrassing. Embarrassing would be "Guys, I gotta go 'cause I don't wanna miss Strap-On Wednesday with my girlfriend."

Deep: You like cheesecake right?
Frank: Yeah, I love cheesecake.
Deep: You're gonna love this. Chocolate truffle cheesecake. There's little pieces of truffle inside a cheesecake.
Frank: Holy shit, I just jizzed in my pants. Which is okay because it's only a little bit of jizz since I jerked it like four times today already.
-On oozing sexuality

Frank: I am actually certified by the National Lifeguard Society to use a defibrillator. Doesn't it scare you that I'm trained and qualified to use shock paddies? You know, like "Clear, whirrrrr, POW!"
Sophie: No it doesn't. I'm actually relieved to know that if I ever have a heart attack you know how to revive me.
Frank: Yeah, but it means I'll probably have to touch your boobs.
Sophie: As awkward as it might be, I'd rather be alive.
-On power moves

Frank: Reuben, you're not really broken up with Ally. Come summer, you're gonna go home and you guys are gonna be back together again.
Reuben: Ally's a cool girl. She's like my first real girlfriend.
Frank: Yeah, and the first time you had sex, first time you ate a girl out, first time you had anal, first time you were blindfolded and had hot wax dripped all over you.
Reuben: What?
Frank: Blindfolded and had hot wax poured all over you.
Deep: Dude, that's just weird.
Reuben: Yeah, what the hell man.
Frank: Jeez, you guys just don't watch enough porn.

Frank: Holy shit, this is a huge plate of mussels.
Reuben: Oh yeah, my ex-girlfriend taught me how to eat them properly.
Frank: Find the clitoris and just go at it?
-On the soft inner workings

Deep: People who don't know how to use a chopping knife properly just piss me off.
Frank: You mean like my yellow knife which you said felt like a second cock?
Deep: Yeah, it's just like an extension on you. Makes cutting up onions feel so satisfying.
Frank: Pounding cherries too.
-On utilitarian moves

Frank: FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK!
Deep: Frank, shut up, I'm trying to study.
Frank: I'm studying too. I'm studying the effects Gears of War has on the average profanity per minute of a university kid.
-On the serious side of video games

Kyle: Finish your beer. I'm gonna hide the rest of this. Alcoholics Anonymous is meeting in the next room in 30 minutes and there shouldn't be beer visible.
Frank: What the fuck! I'm getting my drink on and these AA guys are coming over to cramp up my style. Jesus Bloody Christ, if they want to quit, they should learn to resist temptation. I wanna just go in there and offer them a beer. Besides, who wants to quit drinking anyways?
Alexa: Don't make fun of them. You're going to be one of them some day.
Frank: No I'm not. Alcoholic is when you try to quit but can't. I never tried to quit.

Frank: Dude, just use instant rice. It's way faster than normal rice.
Alexa: What kind of Asian are you?
-On the rice rocket

Frank: We can never figure out whether Bond is a hero or an anti-hero because we don't know the motivation for why he does the things he does. It could be that he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart and that the only reason he sleeps with women and seems materialistic is that those are the only constants in his life. All the women he's ever loved have either been killed or turned out to be double agents and 006 who's his best friend betrayed him in Golden Eye.
Steve: There is no higher moral to James Bond. The only point of the movies is that Sean Connery is the fucking man.
-On the long and short of it

Frank: OOOOH! We're down to 1 on 1.
Reuben: Shit, this is gonna get intense.
Frank: In the words of black people, shit just got real.
-On speaking for the minority

Nicole: Hey, why'd you guys leave the club early?
Steve: We needed a burger. I've been vegetarian for a week for a project. I just fucking wanted a burger.
Frank: Yeah, sometimes, a dude just needs a burger real bad. I bet if Megan Fox drove up to us in her limo and said, "Take me and ravage me right now," I'd say, "Bitch please, we need to get this burger first."
Steve: You know, I'd do the same except I'd probably say, "Sure, but we have to get a burger right now. You wanna come with and we can fuck later?"
-On having your cake and boning it too

Steve: Dammit woman, come back here.
Laura: Did you call me "woman"?
Steve: Yes I did.
Frank: What would you prefer we call you? Dick taker? Sandwich maker? Dish washer?
-On alternate forms of "a dress"

Frank: Man, I'm so hungry right now. I haven't eaten all day.
Hardy: Oh. Why not?
Frank: Well, when I woke up, I figured I had enough time to either cook breakfast or watch porn before my first class. And you know which one I did. When I got back, I had either enough time to make food or play Gears of War. And after that, I'm here.
-On the plight of the undernourished college guy

Frank: Dude, your strawberries are fucked.
Steve: No dipshit, they're covered in chocolate.
Frank: Oh sick, can I have some?
Steve: Yeah, go ahead.
Frank: So, chocolate-covered strawberries. Who are you trying to fuck?
Steve: Your mom. She's coming over later.
Frank: Guess I walked right into that one.
-On sweet seduction techniques

"To the fucktard who put this boring ass song on the jukebox, get the fuck out of my pub. I'm sure there are some karaoke bars that have Celine Dion. I would rather have a scrotum infection so it would take my mind off this fucking song. This is a disgrace to humanity. I would rather have rectal itching than listen to this song."
-Bar Owner, laying down the local law

Frank: Our forefathers fought and died for this! Well actually no, they negotiated with the British.
Deep: For Pringles?
-On the smaller picture

Jake: Dude, that chick on the Canadian curling team, totally fuckable.
Frank: No man, did you see that blond girl on the Danish team? She is way better. Hold up, there she is right now, holding the rock.
Jake: The one in the eyeliner? No way man. She is not hotter than the Canadian girl.
Frank: You kidding me? The chick on Team Canada has wrinkles for God's sake. She's old.
Andrew: This is why I'm glad I'm gay. Perky ass trumps everything.
Frank: Are you serious? Wait, you guys don't have to worry about tits. Fuck, that's just not fair.

Andrew: I'm going on a date this weekend which means I'm very likely going to have post-coital pancakes on Sunday.
Kyle: Did someone say something about pancakes? I love pancakes.
Andrew: Post-coital pancakes, Kyle. I don't think you'd like them all that much.
Kyle: I love pancakes in all forms.
Frank: Oh yeah? What about date rape psychosis pancakes?
-On the taste of regret

"I would hate to die a lame boring death like if I choked on food and there was no one there to help me. If I knew the day I was going to die, I'd hire someone to throw ninja stars at me or something so when I die, people would be like 'Holy shit, this guy's got in trouble with the Yakuza or something.'"
-Joe, on going in style

Frank: Dude, sausages are done. This crispy enough for you?
Deep: Thanks Frank. I appreciate you sharing your sausages with me.
Frank: I appreciate your appreciation. What? I feel like someone needs to invent a word for that, I mean if you really appreciate someone's appreciation.
Deep: Um, your welcome works.
-On closing remarks

Frank: Dude, check this out! Some dude trained his dog to grab him beer from the fridge and close the door and posted it on YouTube. It's awesome.
Deep: What the fuck? Are you serious? That means we don't need women anymore.
-On suitable replacements

Deep: I'm kicking your ass right now. I'm like the Egyptians and you are the Jewish slaves.
Reuben: Oh yeah, who's in the lead now?
Deep: Fuck, you've crossed the Red Sea. Now where's your mana?
-While playing Wii Sports

Frank: Dude, are you depressed right now?
Deep: No?
Frank: Burnt out? Tired?
Deep: Yes, that would be right.
Frank: Try not giving a fuck! Not giving a fuck allows you to do things you've always wanted to do but can't, like growing a mustache, having hookers for lunch everyday, masturbating with stolen cheese!
Deep: Ha, masturbating with stolen cheese.
Frank: I've done that.
Deep: Really?
Frank: Well, replace stolen with "right" and cheese with "hand."
-On breaking the slump

"Ah, Commando Week, the sweet time between running out of underwear and finally deciding it's time to do the fucking laundry."
-Frank, on shallow coverups

Derek: Man, I totally wanted to go to that party but the tickets sell like hotcakes.
Frank: Uh, no, the tickets sell like how the general public perceives hotcakes are sold.
Derek: Well, have you ever seen anyone sell hotcakes? ...Exactly, no one sees people sell hotcakes because they're gone so fast.
Frank: Actually, I've seen people sell hotcakes back in China. They don't sell half as fast as most people think they do.
-On the economics of metaphors

Frank: Hey Rennee, what are you doing here this early?
Rennee: Making sure your roommate gets to Chem on time.
Frank: Oh okay. Hey, Deep, wake the fuck up and take Rennee to Chem so I can masturbate.
-On getting down to business

Frank: What? You're gay? I totally can't see that!
Adam: Are you kidding? I've been so obvious about it. I'm telling you right now, I sleep with men, I'm gay.
Frank: Wow, when God was handing out gaydars, I must've been like, "Meh, screw it." I only know when people come up to me and say, "Dude, you know I'm gay right?" Or, "You know, my brother came out of the closet, he's gay."
Andrew: Yeah, I passed up on my gaydar and took a second helping of gay.
Adam: I got extra helpings of both.
-On flying under the gaydar

"Dude, if you keep doing this, you're gonna end up in a triangle in which you get no piece of the cake. Or in this case, pie."
-Frank, on strangely vague sexual metaphors

Joe: Man, these spring rolls are so good. The only thing good that came out of Vietnam are their spring rolls.
Frank: Really?
Joe: Yeah. What else do you like that came out of Vietnam?
Frank: War movies.
-On good and bad taste

"Of course doctors would always say size doesn't matter. They're all Asians, Indians, or Jews, what else would they say?"
-Deep, on junk science

Deep: Milk in proximity of other milk goes bad quicker.
Frank: No it doesn't.
Deep: You're right. I was trying bullshit you.
Frank: Hey, I'm an Arts and Science student. You can't just bullshit me with science. You have to do it artistically.
-On the duel of deception

Deep: Reuben, get some clothes on, get your hands out of your pants, we're going to get sushi.
Reuben: Dammit, how did you know my hands were in my pants?
Frank: Dude, why the fuck were your hands in your pants? Are you like jerking it or something?
Reuben: No dude.
Deep: He just likes to bask in the glory of his shaft.
Frank: What glory? All 2 inches of it?
Reuben: Hey, don't make fun of my Jew dick.
-On common knowledge

Joe: Hey Frank, how's it going?
Frank: I just downed a glass of scotch. There's the aftertaste of sherry in the back of my throat and I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Mmmmm.
Joe: I think that's love you're feeling.
-On mixed emotions

Frank: Did that guy say he was French?
Max: Yeah. He's an exchange student.
Frank: Where's his white flag?
-On essential school supplies

Court: We probably could've got more people to go to the club.
Frank: Yeah but getting a bunch of drunk people to go anywhere is like herding cats, as Graham put it.
Court: That's disgusting. So it means if you're having sex with a drunk girl, you're having sex with a cat.
-On two sides to the pussy

Frank: I'm sorry, I don't think we've met before.
Ada: Oh we have. At beer pong a few weeks ago. You whipped out your junk all over the table.
Frank: Oh, shit. I was really drunk.
Ada: Yeah, I know.
-On everyday re-introductions

Frank: Are girls turned on by handbrake turns?
Linnea: It can't just be any car. For me, it has to be a Mini Cooper.
Frank: So if some random guy does a handbrake turn in a Mini Cooper, gets out, walks up to you and says, "Yo, get in the back, let's fuck" would you?
Linnea: There wouldn't be enough space but I'd be pretty impressed.
Frank: What if Matt Ryan did a handbrake turn, got out and said, "Yo, get in the back, let's fuck"?
Linnea: Then that would totally make my day.
-On the vehicular dynamics of female impressionism

Frank: Yeah, the doctor said there wasn't anything huge wrong with me. He just advised me to not drink as much next time.
Lucas: Were you like, "No worries dude, I'm Frank the Tank?"
Frank: No, I know when to learn my lessons. When you puke blood at 4am and your roommate and dormmate drags you to the ER, it's time to learn your lesson.
-On what to forget next weekend

Frank: Sweet, I'll drink to that.
Joe: Formula for what Franklin will drink to: let X be anything.
Frank: No, I won't drink to indie music. Or girl sports. Or girl drinks. Or the Detroit Lions. Oh wait, I have that covered under girl sports.
-On algebraic near certainty

Doctor: So, tell me why you're here today.
Frank: There was blood in my vomit early Sunday morning.
Doctor: What did you consume beforehand?
Frank: I had about 2 liters of beer, 2 gin and tonics, 2 stingers, a glass of scotch, 2 shots of tequila, and a shot of Jameson. Then me and my friends went to a restaurant and I had seafood alfredo.
Doctor: Wow, that is a lot. I'm surprised you remembered.
-On self-diagnoses

"My parents are coming over on Tuesday. Please have clothes on."
-Deep, on minimal roommate requirements

Disneyland Cashier: Do you like Jack?
Frank: Jack Daniel? Love him.
Disneyland Cashier: No, Jack Skellington.
Frank: Never heard of him.
-On competing interests

Frank: Remember the colony of spores?
Deep: What?
Frank: Those scones that just molded? It's behind the fridge.
Deep: It's still here? Why the hell didn't you throw it away?
Frank: Let's just keep it.
Deep: And see if it grows into a self sustained ecosystem?
Frank: Yeah, what if it becomes an advanced civilization? Or a new medicine. Dude, that would be your ticket to med school and my ticket to retirement in my 20s.
-From garbage to riches

Frank: Anyone wanna skip Friday and go to Disneyland for the weekend?
Reuben: Nah, I can't. My dad's coming up for the weekend.
Linnea: I can't either. I need my parents' love.
Frank: OK guys, I'm Asian so I'll tell you guys something about parental love. It's overrated.
-On life lessons

"I'm part Scottish so let me tell you something about the Scots. We do our drinking when we're alive so we don't have to worry about it in the afterlife."
-Steve, justifying his inebriation

Deep: You think Brady's gonna make a comeback?
Frank: I'd like to say no but you never count Brady out. When you do, he'll come back and rape you. Except it wouldn't be rape because it'll be any girl's fantasy minus Brett Favre.
-On the consensual comebacks

"Dude! There's a little green guy surfing every single red blood cell yelling LET'S PARTY!"
-Random drunk and/or high guy overheard at a party

Reuben: Frank, are both your parents Asian?
Deep: Dude, does he look like a mix to you? He's a pure homogeneous Asian.
Reuben: Well, no, there's mixed Asians too.
Frank: I'm a 100% Asian. Both my parents are Chinese and my grandparents are Chinese. I tend to disguise this fact with my fluent English, extensive knowledge in football, and really long hair.
Deep: And death metal. Nobody listens to death metal other than white people.
-On looks, deceiving and otherwise

Sebastien: Russell Crowe's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes.
Sebastien: No dude, he's the fuckin' man.
Frank: Yeah, Russell Crowe's awesome. He rapes little kids.
Sebastien: No, Russell Crowe doesn't rape little kids. That wouldn't be awesome.
Frank: Russell Crowe rapes at life.
Sebastien: Can we try and take rape out of this?
-On persistent rapes

Frank: You're in an all-girl rez?
Joy: Yep.
Frank: Okay. Are male fantasies of all-girl rez true?
Joy: What? No, there's no naked pillow fights.
Frank: So naked pillow fights in honey pits?
-On the sticky naughty bits

Deep: My parents are way overprotective. They told me to make sure you don't put alcohol in our room but I told them, "No, it's his room too, he should be able to feel comfortable in it and alcohol is perfectly legal here." And they said, "If there's alcohol in the room, you're going to start drinking." That's not the case, just because there's liquor in the room doesn't mean I'm going to start drinking.
Frank: What are you drinking?
Deep: What?
Frank: Your drink. It's a gin and tonic I mixed for you.
-On points in hand

Frank: You know, I never noticed the difference between lemons and limes until I started drinking gin and tonic here.
Deep: Yeah, lime is a little more sour and bitter and lemons are kind of pruny.
Frank: Lime mixes better with gin and tonic. Aesthetics wise, a little piece of green looks better than a little piece of yellow in a clear liquid. I mean, presentation's half the drink right?
Deep: Lime does look better.... Dude, I just realized. We just had a serious conversation about the aesthetics of an alcoholic beverage. I love McGill. I can't even drink back home.
Frank: Gotta love Montreal. You can start drinking a year earlier and party an hour later.

Student: Professor, you're going to post the assignments on the website tonight right?
Professor: Sure, right after I work out the kinks in quantum physics, solve world poverty, and finish my beer.
-On fat chances

Guy Yelling Through Horn: Hey, you guys like your queen size beds?! Oh wait, you don't have any!!
Frank: REAL MEN USE THEIR LUNGS, BITCH!
-On external dorm conflict

Frank: I think I'm gonna be a degenerate gambler, man. I was playing blackjack the other day and my brain said to me, "Frank, that's 8 five dollar chips, it's 40 bucks." And I say right back, "Shut up, it's just a number." That was cool though because I doubled down on 11 and hit 21.
Joe: I think you're gonna be a degenerate anything because every time I talk to you, you're either drinking or gambling.
-On paths of addiction

Frank: Isn't drinking wine coolers against the man laws?
Jon: Frank, I'm a thousand times more man than you are. I just finished a 14-hour shift in which I reroofed a shop.
Frank: I pulled a spinal patient out of the water twice. Blindfolded. I had to find him, clamp him, roll over, get him onto a spine board and out the water doing rescue breathing the entire time. Blindfolded.
Jon: I did that in 3 feet of waves.
Frank: I could squat and deadlift my own bodyweight.
Jon: I kissed a girl.
Frank: Your eyes are in your skull because of me. I saved your eyes when your mask fell off during paintball.
Kabs: Guys, I don't know why you're fighting like this but I can settle it. All I've seen is outline only but it appears to me that Jon has a bigger cock.

Frank: Harman, where are you?
Harman: I dunno man. I'm so drunk I don't know shit. I see the light. I'm going towards the light.
Frank: No, Harman! Stay where you are, I'm gonna go pick you up.
Harman: Frank, I'm going to the light. I'm gonna go in the zone. Like Donavan McNabb and Desean Jackson. They'll like rape next year.
Frank: Harman, don't go anywhere. I'm coming for you.
Harman: Frank, you're not leaving me at this party, right?
Frank: No, the Buffalo Bills will win a Super Bowl before I leave you at a party.
-On being the sober guy

"Suck it up bro, it's just a cramp. They come and go like women. Except not half as painful."
-Cliff, on getting over it

Frank: Alright Harman, I'm gonna stage the most awesome comeback in football history.
Harman: Ooooh, you like that sack? Just got sacked bitch.
Frank: What the hell! How's Moss supposed to go deep when you tools can't block? You know what, as of right now, the offensive line is all free agents. You hear that, all five of you are officially free agents!
-Handing down electronic punishments

Random Guy: Dude, this party is fly.
Frank: Imagine if beer could fly.
Random Guy: OH! That's awesome man! Yeah!
Frank: You could like fly and drink beer at the same time!
-On the true hype man of the party

Harman: I'm glad Brett Favre stayed retired. No need for more competition in the NFC.
Frank: You think Favre would've been a threat had he joined the Vikings?
Harman: He has the League's best half-back and decent receivers. I think he could've done some damage if he learned to aim before he shoots.
Frank: You think his wife would've taught him that but no. That or she really doesn't mind washing the sheets.
-On stiff competition

Joe: Did you watch the NBA draft?
Frank: No, I don't like watching drafts.
Joe: I like watching sports drafts. I'm kinda pissed I missed the NFL draft.
Frank: Why?
Joe: Because watching black people succeed in life makes me feel happy.
-On simple rights pleasures

"If my nanny don't take me to McDonald's I'm gonna show her the back of my hand so fast."
-Random 10-12ish kid on campus

Frank: The three of you ladies are going to have a lesbian orgy?
Elise: No!
Frank: Dammit!
Elise: Why do you say those things?
Frank: Well first, because I'm a dick. And second, because I'm drunk.
-On simple assessments

Frank: Whoa, I'm totally driving on the opposite side of the road. It's okay people, no need to get excited. I'm Asian, it's alright, we get to do that. I think it's in the Constitution somewhere.
Dave: Yeah, it's under Section A in Article 7 or something. Aren't our forefathers so smart that they can foresee the need to incorporate Asian driving in the Constitution before our country had cars or Asians?
-On manifest stereotype destiny

Frank: I'll pay you 5 bucks if you drink out of that ditch.
Darian: I'll pay you 20 bucks if you perform surgery on me right afterwards.
Frank: Deal.
Darian: Wait a minute! That's a terrible deal.
-On lose-lose situations

Justin: I'll pay for parking.
Frank: Cool, thanks man.
Justin: What the hell! This thing just took two nickels and it's still reads "0 minutes."
Frank: Dude, it only takes quarters.
Justin: What the fuck! The machine just Jewed me.
Frank: Justin, you're quarter-Jew yourself.
Justin: I know. Beaten by my own race at my own game.
-Meter FAIL

Derek: Yeah, it seems like Kate is into me but she acts like she's into everybody.
Frank: I know what you mean. You wanna make sure your boat's real before you board it. Happened to me. Thought the boat was real, asked her out and then found out the boat ain't real.
Derek: I heard about that. It's OK, there's more boats in the ocean. Some boats are bigger than others.
Frank: Some are prettier.
Derek: Some are better engineered.
Frank: Some have a better body.
Derek: OK, we've pushed this boat analogy long enough.

Professor: Now class, to start this genetics lab, we'll need to collect samples of gametes.
Frank: I'm back in 10 minutes.
Professor: It takes you that long?
-On inadequate preparation

Frank: Jordan, how's Mars?
Jordan: AWESOME MAN!
-2 hours and several Js into a party

Frank: Jon, let's speed down that road.
Jon: No way, dude.
Frank: Jon, there's no cops. It's 2 in the morning, we could hit 140.
Jon: No, Frank.
Frank: Fine, I'll drive. Seriously, it'll be awesome.
Jon: I don't want the headlines to be "Two Young Drivers Killed in Midnight Car Crash"!
Frank: And the article would be, "The driver is Asian. That explains everything." But seriously, let me fuckin' drive.
-On unconvincing auto arguments

"You guys are saying there's a woman in the news who fucks guys and then cuts of their penises while they sleep? What the hell, that's just a dick move."
-Frank, on lost limbs

Frank: Okay guys, kill one, fuck one, marry one. Disney characters. The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, and Tinkerbell.
Sean: I'd definitely kill Tinkerbell 'cause she's a bitch. I'd fuck the Mermaid so I could be like T-Pain and say "I fucked a mermaid." And I'd marry Cinderella.
Justin: Yeah, I'd kill Tinkerbell because she backstabbed Peter Pan. I think I'd marry the Mermaid and fuck Cinderella.
Frank: I'd definitely marry Cinderella 'cause she could cook and clean. I think I'd fuck Tinkerbell. She must be so tight 'cause she's so small.
-On the threeway thought process

Sean: Call of Duty 6 is coming out.
Justin: Really? What's gonna be the new Nazi Zombies for COD 6?
Frank: Well, it's gonna go back to Modern Warfare so Russian zombies?
Patty: No man, fuckin' Taliban zombies make more sense.
Shaun: JEW ZOMBIES!
Frank: No, that can't be possible. They're all burned.
-And we all know zombies have great flesh

Frank: Yeah, I got an iPod Nano.
Matt: I have an iPod Touch. Why didn't you get an iPod Touch?
Frank: Because I can't afford one.
Matt: Well, I could afford one because I'm richer than you. This obviously means I am a better person than you because I have more money and can afford to buy more expensive things than you. Wow, I just sounded like a real asshole there.
Frank: It's OK dude, everyone has that inner asshole in him.
Matt: Shut up poor kid, no one likes you.
-Wearing your asshole on your sleeve

Andy: Frank, you're going to be a rapist one day.
Frank: No I'm not. I will never be a rapist.
Andy: Oh yes you will be. If you grow a beard, it will be a rapist beard - you'll wear a public masturbator trench coat and you'll also get rapist glasses.
Rachel: What are rapist glasses?
Frank: Glasses rapists wear.
Rachel: That makes no sense. I don't even know what they look like.
Frank: Obviously never been raped before. ...What? It's a compliment.

"Damn, I have a test today. Oh wait, I have a sandwich. Sweet, life has a great way of evening itself out."
-Frank, on life's little sweeteners

Frank: Dude, I got 2 beers left. Want one of them?
Derek: Man, I am so drunk right now. I'm done for the night.
Frank: You know what'll sober you up? Another beer.
Derek: I'm gonna take you up on that.
-On the subtle art of persuasion

"It looks like they're playing a complicated form of bump."
-Derek, on women's basketball

Frank: Hey, how come girl's basketball only have a 25-second shot clock?
Matt: Because no one wants to watch women play offense for 30 seconds.
-On sooner than later

Frank: Who the hell invented volleyball?
Matt: Probably some women playing "Keep the Balloon Up."
-On setting ducks

Frank: Would you say the sandwich is one of the top 10 inventions of mankind?
Andy: No, I'd say women.
Frank: Why?
Andy: 'Cause women can cook, clean, AND make you sandwiches.
Frank: True. And they can't drive which means they can't run away.
-It's our flaws that make us perfect

Kerns: Frank, your jokes suck.
Aaron: Dude, that was pretty funny.
Frank: Dude, that joke sucked. You're just still high from last night.
Aaron: No I'm not.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, JJJJEEEEEWWWWWWW!
Aaron: (uncontrollable laughter)
Frank: Yep, he's still high.
-The morning after

Frank: God bless whoever invented beer.
Kerns: You said that a million times already.
Frank: I know, I'm drunk.
-8 beers into the party

Martha: Yeah, I kinda got used to Iron Maiden.
Frank: What? You don't "get used to" Iron Maiden. You fall in love with them and play their CDs over and over and Bruce Dickinson becomes your man crush.
Martha: Man crush?
Frank: Wait, Bruce Dickinson can't be my man crush because Tom Brady already is. Shit, did I say that out loud?
-On male slips of the tongue

Frank: Yo guys, I need your shirt sizes.
Shaun: I'm a large.
Frank: Shaun, I'm not asking for vagina sizes.
-On obvious misappropriation

Steve: Frank, even 9th graders jerk off less than you.
Frank: Whatta you mean 9th graders?
Steve: 9th graders are the horniest people on earth. They're right in the middle of puberty. Right, we can conclude you're in the middle of puberty. Jerking it 5 times a day, no facial hair.
Frank: Hey, I shaved today.
-I guess it depends where

Shaun: Yeah, Matt was making out with this random girl on the couch that party.
Tash: What? Matt, you cheated on me? I'm going to break down and cry.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. All I've heard was Matt had sex with her, nothing about making out on the couch. Jeez, you guys gotta tell me these things.
-On filling in the gaps

Emily: I have this theory about the universe. It's infinitely big right? So anything you can possibly imagine can exist. Like another planet just like ours with people exactly like us sitting here having the exact same conversation.
Frank: Wait, that means you can also have a planet where penguins kick field goals. That is totally awesome. I love this theory.
Lucas: Then there's also a planet in which you're gay.
Emily: So? There's also a planet in which YOU'RE gay.
Lucas: No way, I'm too straight to be gay.
-When universe theories start to break down

"OK guys, I'm sober again. Let's go steal a fuckin' baby or something."
-Frank, on alcohol as a suppressant

Jules: As a trainer, my rule on partying is if it doesn't affect your performance the next day, it's OK. If it does, don't do it. And only drink vodka and tonic, it's the drink with the least calories.
Frank: What about screwdrivers? Orange juice is healthy right? Healthiness from the orange juice cancels out the unhealthiness from alcohol.
Jules: No, OJ has way to many calories.
-Identifying the true culprit

Derek: Yo, Will, which country did your dad buy you for Christmas?
Will: Well, the economy's going downhill so he only got me Brazil.
Frank: Brazil? You don't speak fuckin' Mexican...
Pat: Frank, Brazilians speak Portugese.
Derek: And even Mexicans don't speak Mexican.
-On language barriers

Frank: YEEAH, TOUCHDOWN!
Wendy: Wow, how do they throw the ball like that?
Frank: Well, first of all, you have to stop being a girl.
-On the gender hump

Frank: Steve, if your parents were bitten by zombies, would you shoot them?
Steve: Well yeah, of course. They're not my parents anymore.
Vince: What about your brother?
Steve: Oh, I'd shoot him BEFORE the zombies get there. I ain't taking a chance with him.
Frank: What if I was bitten by a zombie?
Steve: I'd shoot you because you're not you anymore.
Frank: No, I mean I just got bitten and I'm still human.
Steve: I don't think I could shoot you while you're human. I'd wait for you to turn.
Frank: What if I was handing you the pistol and I was yelling "Steve, just fuckin' shoot me!"
Steve: Then I'll fuckin shoot you! No one swears at me and doesn't get shot.
-Conversation during 28 Days Later

Matt: Let's go steal that school zone sign!
Frank: Why would you want a school zone sign?
Matt: Because it's gonna be cool.
Frank: OK dude, this is what's going to happen. We are going to walk to that sign, we'll fiddle around and I'll say "You have any idea how to unscrew this?" you'll say "No" and a few seconds later you'll say "Fuck it, it's too cold to do this" and we'll both walk back here.
Matt: I'm gonna get that sign.
Frank: I'm coming.
(Walk to the sign)
Frank: Sweet, volunteer card hanging on the sign. Mine now..... So, any idea how to unscrew this thing?
Matt: Nope.... fuck, it's so cold.
Frank: Let's go back.
Matt: Sure.
Frank: At least we got that volunteer card thingy.

Rick: What would you do if your girlfriend had sex with Kanye?
Matt: I'd be really happy. She'll finally do something cool in her life and I could say, "I tapped that before Kanye."
-On the transitive property of accomplishments

Frank: Jessica Alba's not hot anymore, she's pregnant.
Morgan: Yeah, but that's one lucky dude who fucked her.
Frank: Unless it's artificial insemination. That's just a waste of a vagina.
(Later in the day)
Morgan: How the hell do you read this stuff?
Frank: To understand Shakespeare, you must think like Shakespeare.
Morgan: Said by a guy who thinks artificial insemination is a waste of a vagina.

"MOVE IT, YOU DICK TAKER!"
-Shaun, yelling at a slow girl

Andy: Frank, what do you think about the WNBA?
Frank: Well, I'd describe it as garbage but that'd be insulting the word garbage.
-Respecting the hierarchy

"The two best things I hear in life are 'parking is free' and 'I want your cock.'"
-Derek, on life's little perks

Frank: Dear God, please bless Matt Cassel with the intelligence, strength, and accuracy to throw the ball to Randy Moss and bless Randy with the speed, stamina, and agility to beat the secondary and run into the endzone.
(30 seconds later)
Frank: Fuck this, I go through all that prayer and they hand it off. I hate this game.
-On negligible impacts

Frank: I hate how my shoes have no grip.
Matt: I hate how that seagull won't suck my cock.
-On near-term regrets

Frank: Gimme that pawn! Whatcha gonna do now bitch?
Derek: Frank, chess really isn't a trash talk game.
-Bringing the streets to the boards

"Okay guys, this dump is going to make Hiroshima look like a fuckin' cherry bomb."
-Frank, on colossal poopage

Frank: Yo, if your calculator was a hot chick, would you have sex with it?
Derek: Frank, the question is basically would you have sex with a hot chick. And yes, I would.
-On the transitive property of 3rd party objects

Frank: If I was a rock star, I'd hire a team of hot chicks as my personal testicle scratcher. Anna Kournikova, Jessica Alba definitely. Not Jenna Jameson because she's not hot anymore and she'd probably start sucking my cock which is all good except my nads would still be itchy.
Chris: Jessica Alba is pregnant. Take Eva Mendes instead.
Frank: Oh right, yeah, her and that girl who played Vesper in Casino Royale. And the Olsen twins and Miley Cyrus.
Chris: The Olsen twins are ugly and Miley Cyrus is 15!
Frank: But I'd be saving the world from shitty movies and music and I'd be saving my hands from scratching my nuts and my nuts from being itchy.
-On low-end amenities

Frank: You know that kid Robin?
Matt: Yeah.
Frank: Sometimes, he makes me feel ashamed to be Asian.
Matt: Well, that's understandable. He makes me ashamed to be a human being.
-Shame knows no race

Andy: Lateral it dude, you're not a running back!
Frank: What? Oh what? I just scored the touchdown. No, I'm not a running back, I'M A TOUCHDOWN BACK!
Derek: Frank, that was the dumbest thing you've ever said.
-On emotional moments during NFL Street

"Wow, that's gayer than a pile of gay guys having gay sex while watching The OC and drinking cosmopolitans."
-Frank, struggling for homo-imagery

Jules: Alright Frank, think of your power word. This bar is your bitch right now. You can do this weight.
Frank: This bar's in the kitchen making me a sandwich which I'm not going to eat.
-To each his own motivation

Wendy: Hey Frank, what is L in Roman numerals?
Frank: Um.... Lemme think.... 30! Because Superbowl 42 was Superbowl XLII and X is 10 so L is 30.
-Football isn't always the answer

Tanner: Hey, have you seen the news? There's this new drug out there that's so strong that a guy went on a trip and killed himself three hours later.
Steve: I heard there's this guy who took the same stuff, and in three hours went on a trip to a magical kingdom, defeated the evil king and ruled the kingdom for a hundred years. Speaking of which, what the hell are you doing in my magic kingdom?
-On invasions of privacy

"Why's everyone surrounding them? Are they handicapped?"
-Steve, on strange explanations

Professor: So, what is the evolutionary advantage of mosses over other plants in its time?
Frank: 23 touchdown receptions?
-On automatic F's (not first downs)

Frank: Hey Jon buddy, you alright?
Jon: Yeah, I'm fine, I just had a few shots of vodka.
Steve: He's been drinking for an hour straight.
Jon: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm sober.
Frank: Jon, what's my favorite football team?
Jon: The New England.... New England Clam Chowders?
-On signs of inebriation

DJ: So which one's a sea cow? The whale or the manatee?
Frank: It's the manatee. There's that episode of Family Guy where the sea captain guy finds Meg in his fish nets and one of his guys asked "What is that captain" and he says "Arrr, that's a manatee, or in nautical terms, a sea cow."
Tanner: Dude, you did not just use Family Guy to back up a scientific argument.
-Oh yesss he DIIIIDDD, GF!

"It's not a fucking sea otter. I see these things on trees in my backyard. It's a squirrel. You got cheated mate, it's not a fucking sea otter. It's a squirrel. Look at it, that's not a fucking sea otter, it's clearly a squirrel."
-Overheard on a bus with drunken tourists

Frank: God bless whoever invented the word "fuck."
Matt: God damn your parents for having sex and making you.
Frank: No, damn the other million sperm for not beating me there.
-Agreeing on at least one point

Football Fan: I'll have 2 beers please.
Fan's Girlfriend: What? The game hasn't even started and you're drinking already?
Frank: You don't need a reason to drink beer. Beer itself is a reason to drink beer.
Fan's Girlfriend: You're right. Make that 4 beers.
-If it exists, they will drink

Documentary Narrator: ...and these conjoined twins have lived together for 4 decades.
Frank: What happens when one dies before the other?
Wendy: South Park happens.
-On timely follow-ups

Kelvin: I've got my career figured out. I'm going to write screenplays... for action movies. It'll be easy. So, car explodes here, here, here and here, main character kills bad buys here and here with cool guns. Who gives a shit about about dialogue or plot or character?
Frank: What about a sex scene with a really hot chick?
Kelvin: Nah, girls shouldn't be in movies. Except pornos. And then, they only get to moan.
-On high octane sausagefests

Jon: Steve works here right?
Frank: Yeah, but how the hell are we going to find him in a supermarket this huge? Wait, Steve's quarter Jew right?
Jon: Yeah.
Frank: So we drop a penny on the ground, wait for 4 times as long as a normal Jew, and Steve will show up.
-On the law of attraction

Jon: Frank, everything in China's fake.
Frank: You're right. Me, I'm not really Chinese, I'm Mexican.
Steve: Dude, you're not even using a Mexican accent. That's a Russian accent.
-On the importance of genuine fakery

Frank: Dude, there's cake. But it's a lie.
Jon: The cake is a lie or is the cake a spy?
Frank: The cake is a lying spy.
Jon: OH MY GOD! THAT'S THE WORST CAKE EVER!
-While both parties were completely sober

Jules: What the hell Frank! How did you break the stability ball? That's the best one in this gym.
Frank: I was prodding it along with a spear.
Jules: Why would you do that?
Frank: In my defense, I did not think that the spear was sharp enough to puncture the ball nor the skin of the ball weak enough to be punctured. Well, you could also end the sentence at "I didn't think."
-On the long and short of it

Frank: Aw man, I'm so hungry right now.
Wendy: There should be something to eat in the fridge.
Frank: Nah, it's OK. My laziness and desire to watch NFL Replay will eventually defeat my hunger.
Wendy: Want me to make you a sandwich?
Frank: Yes, thank you.
-Battle of the Wills, postponed

Waitress: Here you go, enjoy your wings.
Frank: Hey, what the hell are these weird tablets?
Waitress: Oh, those are towels. You put them in the bowl of water and they go POOF.
Derrick (closely examining tablet): How do they roll them up like that?
Ramon (also closely examining tablet): I don't know. Maybe they have a room full of 10 Mexicans wrapping it up...
-They ARE wet towels...

"You can remove 3 quarters of your liver and it can regenerate into a full liver again. Either God created men like this so we can drink or men evolved into this so we can drink."
-Frank, on adaptation

"GO BC LIONS! GO LIONS! LIONS RULE! What? I can be an Asian working the concession and care about football too!"
-Frank, white washed beyond belief

Scotty: Hey guys, this is my dog. His name is Jack.
Frank: Dude! Your dog's name is Jack? Is his last name Daniel?
Scotty: No--
Jon: It is now.
Frank: Here boy, come here Jack Daniel.
-On the only time it's ok to shoot your dog

"You know what, you're an asshole. Fuck you, you're the asshole Frank. Dude, you're fuckin drunk, you're the asshole. Oh shit, I'm drunk, guys..."
-Frank, fighting amongst himselves

Kabs: Yeah, you guys can stay at my place, but Frank, you might have to share a bed with Chris.
Frank: Dude, Chris is mature enough with his sexuality and I'm too drunk to care.
-On heterosexual arrangements

Aaron: Dude, I don't even understand how you guys play this game. I don't watch football, I just watch hockey.
Frank: It's OK Aaron, all you need to know about football is that Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever. 50 touchdown passes in one season? That's just awesome.
Derek: How hard do you ride his cock?
Frank: I'm gonna have to admit, if I was gay or a girl, I'd totally do Tom Brady.
-Showing love during Madden

"God, I know I just said this like 3 times in the last 5 minutes but I gotta say it again. Thank you so much for blessing the world with Jack Daniels. I'm sorry that I'm drunk and I'm sorry that I masturbate like a billion times but I know you'll forgive me. I owe you a huge one for making Jack Daniel so he can make his awesome liquor."
-Frank, giving thanks for his God-given ability to drink

Jules: ...and you have to understand that it is possible to be in 32 places at the same time. You know the electron orbits right? It has a 90% chance of being around the nucleus but a really small chance that it can be in 32 different places at the same time. And then you realize everything you learned in high school physics no longer applies. This stuff just fascinates me.
Frank: What you just said would be easier to understand in a bar after a bottle of tequila.
-On intellectual foreplay

"It's a good thing everything is priced at nice round numbers or else we would be scrambling around for nickels and pennies. Like Jews."
-Frank, on ethnic scrounging

Jon: You know what? I hate the Colts. The only play in their playbook is the turnover. They turn the ball over on their own 30 yard line and see if they can capitalize on that.
Frank: Dude, maybe you just suck at Madden.
-On the root of the problem

Frank: Matt, throw me the football! TOUCHDOWN PATRIOTS!
Matt: Frank, you just ruined football for me.
Frank: No dude, what'll ruin football for you is a WNFL.
Matt: Yeah, you're right.
-On true sports downers

Frank: One of my best friends said, "If God gives you lemons, you find yourself a new God." What if God gives you a supermodel sexslave who gives you blowjobs on demand AND lemons?
Jeff: Simple. Pour a glass of tequila, sip it with lemons while she gives you a blowjob.
-Thank heavens that problem's solved

Frank: Yo Matt, if Jessica Alba was your sister, would you commit incest?
Matt: Hell yeah!
Frank: Mandels, what about you?
Mandels: Aw man, this is tough. I'm gonna have to go with no.
Frank: Steve, you?
Steve: I'll have to make do with Jessica Simpson then.
-On taking the low road

"Yo Aaron, remind me to book you in for an ethnicity check sometime soon. It's pretty simple really. I throw a penny, math workbook, bottle of whiskey, a lawnmower, and keys to a Hummer. If you don't pick anything up, you're white."
-Frank, on color-blind tests

Frank: Nothin' Jon, my mom just said we were gay because we've been talking on the phone for more than 30 seconds.
Jon: We have been talking for 20 minutes.
Frank: OH MY GOD! I FEEL LIKE GOING TO A STEAKHOUSE AND ORDERING SALAD!
Jon: AH! I FEEL LIKE GETTING A PEDICURE!
Frank: NO! TURN THE TV TO FOOTBALL CHANNEL!
Jon: Good thing I have a copy of Playboy right here. Shit, was I on speakerphone?
-Combatting homosexuality the only way possible

Frank: Matt, won't it be awesome if beer and blowjobs were currency?
Matt: No Frank 'cause if you're buying stuff from a guy, you'll have to give away beer or give him a blowjob.
Frank: Oh, you're right. I was only thinking about hot chicks buying stuff from me.
-On the glass half full

Frank: Steve, some days you're so racist, I just wanna kill you.
Steve: Frank, some days I'm so racist, I just wanna kill YOU.
-Clash of the races

Jon: You know the chances of getting killed by a domestic pig are higher than the chances of getting killed by a shark.
Frank: Serious? Is it because you don't really see a whole lot of sharks?
Jon: No dude, I've seen 5 sharks in one dive before. Sharks are just chill, they just swim by you.
Frank: So they're like black guys? Everyone says they're gonna rob you and beat you up but when you walk past them, they just say "sup dawg" and go on with their day.
Steve: No. Sharks don't deal crack.
-On the real threat

Frank: ...It's something girls will just never understand. Like football.
Martha: I'm from Wisconsin, I know football.
Frank: Oh, what's your favorite team.
Martha: The Packers.
Frank: Brett Favre retired. They retired his number with him too.
Martha: WHAT! Brett Favre's gone? I love Brett Favre.
-Where in Wisconsin, again?

Frank: The ball is placed there because that's where his knees went down. When the knees hit the ground, the play is over and the refs spot the ball from there.
Wendy: Can't you surgically remove your knees so that the play is never over?
-On medical loopholes

Wendy: Why are they shouting like that?
Frank: Because they're about to the play the Packers, the first team to win a Super Bowl and the first team to win two Super Bowls in a row.
Wendy: What's a Super Bowl?
-On giant soup containers