Frank

"The two best things I hear in life are 'parking is free' and 'I want your cock.'"
-Derek, on life's little perks

Frank: Dear God, please bless Matt Cassel with the intelligence, strength, and accuracy to throw the ball to Randy Moss and bless Randy with the speed, stamina, and agility to beat the secondary and run into the endzone.
(30 seconds later)
Frank: Fuck this, I go through all that prayer and they hand it off. I hate this game.
-On negligible impacts

Frank: I hate how my shoes have no grip.
Matt: I hate how that seagull won't suck my cock.
-On near-term regrets

Frank: Gimme that pawn! Whatcha gonna do now bitch?
Derek: Frank, chess really isn't a trash talk game.
-Bringing the streets to the boards

"Okay guys, this dump is going to make Hiroshima look like a fuckin' cherry bomb."
-Frank, on colossal poopage

Frank: Yo, if your calculator was a hot chick, would you have sex with it?
Derek: Frank, the question is basically would you have sex with a hot chick. And yes, I would.
-On the transitive property of 3rd party objects

Frank: If I was a rock star, I'd hire a team of hot chicks as my personal testicle scratcher. Anna Kournikova, Jessica Alba definitely. Not Jenna Jameson because she's not hot anymore and she'd probably start sucking my cock which is all good except my nads would still be itchy.
Chris: Jessica Alba is pregnant. Take Eva Mendes instead.
Frank: Oh right, yeah, her and that girl who played Vesper in Casino Royale. And the Olsen twins and Miley Cyrus.
Chris: The Olsen twins are ugly and Miley Cyrus is 15!
Frank: But I'd be saving the world from shitty movies and music and I'd be saving my hands from scratching my nuts and my nuts from being itchy.
-On low-end amenities

Frank: You know that kid Robin?
Matt: Yeah.
Frank: Sometimes, he makes me feel ashamed to be Asian.
Matt: Well, that's understandable. He makes me ashamed to be a human being.
-Shame knows no race

Andy: Lateral it dude, you're not a running back!
Frank: What? Oh what? I just scored the touchdown. No, I'm not a running back, I'M A TOUCHDOWN BACK!
Derek: Frank, that was the dumbest thing you've ever said.
-On emotional moments during NFL Street

"Wow, that's gayer than a pile of gay guys having gay sex while watching The OC and drinking cosmopolitans."
-Frank, struggling for homo-imagery

Jules: Alright Frank, think of your power word. This bar is your bitch right now. You can do this weight.
Frank: This bar's in the kitchen making me a sandwich which I'm not going to eat.
-To each his own motivation

Wendy: Hey Frank, what is L in Roman numerals?
Frank: Um.... Lemme think.... 30! Because Superbowl 42 was Superbowl XLII and X is 10 so L is 30.
-Football isn't always the answer

Tanner: Hey, have you seen the news? There's this new drug out there that's so strong that a guy went on a trip and killed himself three hours later.
Steve: I heard there's this guy who took the same stuff, and in three hours went on a trip to a magical kingdom, defeated the evil king and ruled the kingdom for a hundred years. Speaking of which, what the hell are you doing in my magic kingdom?
-On invasions of privacy

"Why's everyone surrounding them? Are they handicapped?"
-Steve, on strange explanations

Professor: So, what is the evolutionary advantage of mosses over other plants in its time?
Frank: 23 touchdown receptions?
-On automatic F's (not first downs)

Frank: Hey Jon buddy, you alright?
Jon: Yeah, I'm fine, I just had a few shots of vodka.
Steve: He's been drinking for an hour straight.
Jon: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm sober.
Frank: Jon, what's my favorite football team?
Jon: The New England.... New England Clam Chowders?
-On signs of inebriation

DJ: So which one's a sea cow? The whale or the manatee?
Frank: It's the manatee. There's that episode of Family Guy where the sea captain guy finds Meg in his fish nets and one of his guys asked "What is that captain" and he says "Arrr, that's a manatee, or in nautical terms, a sea cow."
Tanner: Dude, you did not just use Family Guy to back up a scientific argument.
-Oh yesss he DIIIIDDD, GF!

"It's not a fucking sea otter. I see these things on trees in my backyard. It's a squirrel. You got cheated mate, it's not a fucking sea otter. It's a squirrel. Look at it, that's not a fucking sea otter, it's clearly a squirrel."
-Overheard on a bus with drunken tourists

Frank: God bless whoever invented the word "fuck."
Matt: God damn your parents for having sex and making you.
Frank: No, damn the other million sperm for not beating me there.
-Agreeing on at least one point

Football Fan: I'll have 2 beers please.
Fan's Girlfriend: What? The game hasn't even started and you're drinking already?
Frank: You don't need a reason to drink beer. Beer itself is a reason to drink beer.
Fan's Girlfriend: You're right. Make that 4 beers.
-If it exists, they will drink

Documentary Narrator: ...and these conjoined twins have lived together for 4 decades.
Frank: What happens when one dies before the other?
Wendy: South Park happens.
-On timely follow-ups

Kelvin: I've got my career figured out. I'm going to write screenplays... for action movies. It'll be easy. So, car explodes here, here, here and here, main character kills bad buys here and here with cool guns. Who gives a shit about about dialogue or plot or character?
Frank: What about a sex scene with a really hot chick?
Kelvin: Nah, girls shouldn't be in movies. Except pornos. And then, they only get to moan.
-On high octane sausagefests

Jon: Steve works here right?
Frank: Yeah, but how the hell are we going to find him in a supermarket this huge? Wait, Steve's quarter Jew right?
Jon: Yeah.
Frank: So we drop a penny on the ground, wait for 4 times as long as a normal Jew, and Steve will show up.
-On the law of attraction

Jon: Frank, everything in China's fake.
Frank: You're right. Me, I'm not really Chinese, I'm Mexican.
Steve: Dude, you're not even using a Mexican accent. That's a Russian accent.
-On the importance of genuine fakery

Frank: Dude, there's cake. But it's a lie.
Jon: The cake is a lie or is the cake a spy?
Frank: The cake is a lying spy.
Jon: OH MY GOD! THAT'S THE WORST CAKE EVER!
-While both parties were completely sober

Jules: What the hell Frank! How did you break the stability ball? That's the best one in this gym.
Frank: I was prodding it along with a spear.
Jules: Why would you do that?
Frank: In my defense, I did not think that the spear was sharp enough to puncture the ball nor the skin of the ball weak enough to be punctured. Well, you could also end the sentence at "I didn't think."
-On the long and short of it

Frank: Aw man, I'm so hungry right now.
Wendy: There should be something to eat in the fridge.
Frank: Nah, it's OK. My laziness and desire to watch NFL Replay will eventually defeat my hunger.
Wendy: Want me to make you a sandwich?
Frank: Yes, thank you.
-Battle of the Wills, postponed

Waitress: Here you go, enjoy your wings.
Frank: Hey, what the hell are these weird tablets?
Waitress: Oh, those are towels. You put them in the bowl of water and they go POOF.
Derrick (closely examining tablet): How do they roll them up like that?
Ramon (also closely examining tablet): I don't know. Maybe they have a room full of 10 Mexicans wrapping it up...
-They ARE wet towels...

"You can remove 3 quarters of your liver and it can regenerate into a full liver again. Either God created men like this so we can drink or men evolved into this so we can drink."
-Frank, on adaptation

"GO BC LIONS! GO LIONS! LIONS RULE! What? I can be an Asian working the concession and care about football too!"
-Frank, white washed beyond belief

Scotty: Hey guys, this is my dog. His name is Jack.
Frank: Dude! Your dog's name is Jack? Is his last name Daniel?
Scotty: No--
Jon: It is now.
Frank: Here boy, come here Jack Daniel.
-On the only time it's ok to shoot your dog

"You know what, you're an asshole. Fuck you, you're the asshole Frank. Dude, you're fuckin drunk, you're the asshole. Oh shit, I'm drunk, guys..."
-Frank, fighting amongst himselves

Kabs: Yeah, you guys can stay at my place, but Frank, you might have to share a bed with Chris.
Frank: Dude, Chris is mature enough with his sexuality and I'm too drunk to care.
-On heterosexual arrangements

Aaron: Dude, I don't even understand how you guys play this game. I don't watch football, I just watch hockey.
Frank: It's OK Aaron, all you need to know about football is that Tom Brady is the best quarterback ever. 50 touchdown passes in one season? That's just awesome.
Derek: How hard do you ride his cock?
Frank: I'm gonna have to admit, if I was gay or a girl, I'd totally do Tom Brady.
-Showing love during Madden

"God, I know I just said this like 3 times in the last 5 minutes but I gotta say it again. Thank you so much for blessing the world with Jack Daniels. I'm sorry that I'm drunk and I'm sorry that I masturbate like a billion times but I know you'll forgive me. I owe you a huge one for making Jack Daniel so he can make his awesome liquor."
-Frank, giving thanks for his God-given ability to drink

Jules: ...and you have to understand that it is possible to be in 32 places at the same time. You know the electron orbits right? It has a 90% chance of being around the nucleus but a really small chance that it can be in 32 different places at the same time. And then you realize everything you learned in high school physics no longer applies. This stuff just fascinates me.
Frank: What you just said would be easier to understand in a bar after a bottle of tequila.
-On intellectual foreplay

"It's a good thing everything is priced at nice round numbers or else we would be scrambling around for nickels and pennies. Like Jews."
-Frank, on ethnic scrounging

Jon: You know what? I hate the Colts. The only play in their playbook is the turnover. They turn the ball over on their own 30 yard line and see if they can capitalize on that.
Frank: Dude, maybe you just suck at Madden.
-On the root of the problem

Frank: Matt, throw me the football! TOUCHDOWN PATRIOTS!
Matt: Frank, you just ruined football for me.
Frank: No dude, what'll ruin football for you is a WNFL.
Matt: Yeah, you're right.
-On true sports downers

Frank: One of my best friends said, "If God gives you lemons, you find yourself a new God." What if God gives you a supermodel sexslave who gives you blowjobs on demand AND lemons?
Jeff: Simple. Pour a glass of tequila, sip it with lemons while she gives you a blowjob.
-Thank heavens that problem's solved

Frank: Yo Matt, if Jessica Alba was your sister, would you commit incest?
Matt: Hell yeah!
Frank: Mandels, what about you?
Mandels: Aw man, this is tough. I'm gonna have to go with no.
Frank: Steve, you?
Steve: I'll have to make do with Jessica Simpson then.
-On taking the low road

"Yo Aaron, remind me to book you in for an ethnicity check sometime soon. It's pretty simple really. I throw a penny, math workbook, bottle of whiskey, a lawnmower, and keys to a Hummer. If you don't pick anything up, you're white."
-Frank, on color-blind tests

Frank: Nothin' Jon, my mom just said we were gay because we've been talking on the phone for more than 30 seconds.
Jon: We have been talking for 20 minutes.
Frank: OH MY GOD! I FEEL LIKE GOING TO A STEAKHOUSE AND ORDERING SALAD!
Jon: AH! I FEEL LIKE GETTING A PEDICURE!
Frank: NO! TURN THE TV TO FOOTBALL CHANNEL!
Jon: Good thing I have a copy of Playboy right here. Shit, was I on speakerphone?
-Combatting homosexuality the only way possible

Frank: Matt, won't it be awesome if beer and blowjobs were currency?
Matt: No Frank 'cause if you're buying stuff from a guy, you'll have to give away beer or give him a blowjob.
Frank: Oh, you're right. I was only thinking about hot chicks buying stuff from me.
-On the glass half full

Frank: Steve, some days you're so racist, I just wanna kill you.
Steve: Frank, some days I'm so racist, I just wanna kill YOU.
-Clash of the races

Jon: You know the chances of getting killed by a domestic pig are higher than the chances of getting killed by a shark.
Frank: Serious? Is it because you don't really see a whole lot of sharks?
Jon: No dude, I've seen 5 sharks in one dive before. Sharks are just chill, they just swim by you.
Frank: So they're like black guys? Everyone says they're gonna rob you and beat you up but when you walk past them, they just say "sup dawg" and go on with their day.
Steve: No. Sharks don't deal crack.
-On the real threat

Frank: ...It's something girls will just never understand. Like football.
Martha: I'm from Wisconsin, I know football.
Frank: Oh, what's your favorite team.
Martha: The Packers.
Frank: Brett Favre retired. They retired his number with him too.
Martha: WHAT! Brett Favre's gone? I love Brett Favre.
-Where in Wisconsin, again?

Frank: The ball is placed there because that's where his knees went down. When the knees hit the ground, the play is over and the refs spot the ball from there.
Wendy: Can't you surgically remove your knees so that the play is never over?
-On medical loopholes

Wendy: Why are they shouting like that?
Frank: Because they're about to the play the Packers, the first team to win a Super Bowl and the first team to win two Super Bowls in a row.
Wendy: What's a Super Bowl?
-On giant soup containers