36 Hours in My Studio Apartment
Can We Chat?, 5 PM: Hop off the couch and back on Zoom with a terse smile pasted to your face. Don’t forget to put your shirt back on!
Can We Chat?, 5 PM: Hop off the couch and back on Zoom with a terse smile pasted to your face. Don’t forget to put your shirt back on!
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
When I arrived on your doorstep (there was spring dew, I remember...), you were so excited. You opened me up right away, and we made magic together.
Most People Are Able to Successfully Trick You Into Doing Something Stupid: Notice how the water in this puddle ripples when you blow on it.
Let your dog Penelope off-leash to play with the human children while you talk to their parents about your mutual hardships in raising a young one.
Deep, deep down, I do miss cleaning the bathroom after my son eats Chipotle’s Super Burrito with extra queso.
6. Clothes and Shit -It’s a diaper and not that hard to figure out, for fuck’s sake. -Bedazzling bullshit. -Why the fuck are head holes so small?
“I can’t accept this, it’s obviously been used.” “Well yes, but only in January, February, and the first week of March. But then ppffhtt,” I spit.
I wouldn’t be the Prince of Darkness if I didn’t defend myself against these recent transgressions and bring the truth to light, so to speak.
You’re a little too dull for my tropical lifestyle. Sorry, I’ve had a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris, but I’ll say it again: you are BORING!
This is my life! I’m not a clown some of the time, Brad, I’m a clown all of the time. So what if the funeral director kicked me out?