My 2019 Resolutions According to Things Men Said to Me in 2018
“You should smile more” --- To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile.
“You should smile more” --- To remedy my resting bitch face, I am going to pull my lips apart with duct tape so that I will have a permanent smile.
Putting yourself into extremely dangerous situations isn't a sin. If you survive, your life is more exciting, but if you die, Jesus will be waiting.
The Sun Explodes: It’s been on fire for a few centuries now, it is only a matter of time until it explodes like a thing of bug spray in a campfire.
Join us in the kitchen for Kristen’s goodbye pizza! Why is Kristen leaving? Legally I’m not allowed to say, but 100% this was her idea.
The Bride of Frankenstein and I actually had a lot in common. Like her, my fiercest critics have also called me an affront to God.
There’s never been a better time to get our signature cuts of Flank, lower case T-Bone, Z-Bone, Subprime, Sphincter, Roadkill, and, of course, Okja.
The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.
God gave the Israelites corn and said, “Take this. And eat it only off the cob, with little tiny things called corn holders."
"Learn The Job Beef Chili" -- I only make this dish when I’m trying to displease people on both sides.
They just don’t seem to realize that, in a prank-war, these things just happen. It's no one’s fault, and nothing anyone should get in trouble for.
None of my fellow parishioners have invited me to partake in a communal sexual ritual to awaken the dead, or place a hex on targeted politicians.
Suicides contemplated: 24 That’s 2 better than last year. Thank God we re-installed the AC. AMZN Note: EMPLOYEES WHO COMMIT SUICIDE WILL BE TERMINATED