It’s Time to Unify Around a Single Candidate: Ted from Accounting
Even Ted’s charisma is middle of the road. He’s the type of candidate that you could get a beer with, but choose not to.
Even Ted’s charisma is middle of the road. He’s the type of candidate that you could get a beer with, but choose not to.
“Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.” This really isn't a big deal. It bothered me for a couple thousand years but I’m over it.
People will call you a monster, and in a way, they’ll be correct: you are a monster---a monster fucking hit.
1. The dammed-up Colorado River running through Austin is called... A) Town Lake B) Lady Bird Lake C) A lake? Sure as hell don’t look like a lake
Did you pick me up in a Subaru Outback? Full of NPR tote bags? I’m still a wild animal. And not the kind that’s gonna stop you from having a seizure.
Super simple baby carrot white bread casserole / Mocha eggplant cheesecake / Sweet salmon sausage scramblinies / Bok choy bread domes
Maybe you’re freaked out to think of accountants as sexual creatures. You want us always hunched over ledgers, never over your sweet, pliable body.
Graduations: Oprah in black informing Stephen Colbert’s audience that the tests are back and they all have chlamydia.
2011: The Year We Lost Contact When Rupert Murdoch Blocked Alien Transmission with a Private Satellite and Claimed Worldwide Redistribution Rights.
You have a sense of inferiority to people with innies, but a sense of superiority to kangaroos and other marsupials that lack belly buttons.
Bra-Sizing Woman: She looks young, maybe eighteen, and I wonder to myself if this might be illegal.
Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose.