We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
10:17 AM: I send Melissa a First Communion flashback, the time a piece of the wafer got caught in her throat and she had a panic attack in the pew.
$10 - I make old jeans fit again. I’m not supposed to allow this, but for $11 this may apply to booty shorts as well.
You should know that I have recently become a follower of the Dark Lord Cthulhu, whose worship I must prioritize above my data entry deliverables.
Whenever you describe something huge and monstrous, you call it "behemoth"—no one ever uses “leviathan” in the same way. Honestly, it hurts.
Mark 4:12: "You, my son, hath the chiseled physique of a Philistine and the facial features of a young King David. They will not care."
If you happen to hear chanting outside of quiet hours, please do not respond by screaming out, “You call that chanting? I’ll show you chanting!”
CHRISTIAN-CATHOLIC: Oh wow. Not a great choice. Sure, Catholics are technically Christians, but today’s voters require that you be "saved."
Nothing says “Don’t sacrifice me!” like breakfast in bed. An omelet and fresh coffee is the perfect way to warm Dad up to the idea of sparing you.
The basis upon which I have lived my entire life is jeopardized—and all because of a trust fall with the ghost of Sir Isaac Newton.
1) I Make a Rube Goldberg-type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth
I wish to cleanse myself of the guilt for defying both you and my lovely wife by dusting off the ol’ blades and gracefully gliding down the street.