Due to Concerns over Coronavirus, I’ve Decided to Postpone My Personal Revenge
We could brawl, and you might get off a few gunshots or blows into my ripped torso, but you can't make me take off work for two weeks.
We could brawl, and you might get off a few gunshots or blows into my ripped torso, but you can't make me take off work for two weeks.
Q: Why did the lizard’s wife leave him? A: He had e-reptile dysfunction / Q: Why did Karen cross the street? A: To sleep with her boss
I am a swim coach for kids. That’s right, I spend my shifts in a cesspool of germs and boogers.
The 2 things I love most are corduroys with ridges so deep that you can slide a can of Coors Light in there, and making sure my son thinks I’m cool.
People will call you a monster, and in a way, they’ll be correct: you are a monster---a monster fucking hit.
"For real, what will it cost?" Well, it's not a cost per se, but there is will be a very small upfront investment… just to start.
Day Two: To smooth things over with my girlfriend, I write "You'll always be my Number One worm" in gummies on the kitchen floor.
Treat your Valentine to a fancy restaurant just the way it likes: put off making a reservation as long as possible so all restaurants are booked!
What on earth caused you to decide that the appropriate response to this tragedy was selling your dead baby's shoes in the local newspaper?
Janice and Mark’s whisper-fights about their upcoming incomplete wedding plans. They’ve been engaged for 7 years now.
My first word was "pasghetti." You can say "spaghetti" all you want, but fact is, I say pasghetti.
Don’t hesitate. If you see an apartment you like, grab a demon’s pitchfork, stab it in your thigh, and sign in blood immediately.