Dear Nicole,



I like this boy and he likes me back. We both wanna kiss each other, how do I get him to kiss me?



-Melinda

 

Dear Melinda,



We owe the Victorians a debt of gratitude for their origination of “fan
flirting,” an art which continues to enjoy enormous popularity in bars and clubs throughout the United States and western Europe. In your case, you’ll
want to open and shut your fan, which means “Oh, kiss me, please!” Other useful techniques include fanning yourself very quickly, meaning “I am
not engaged!”; holding your fan in front of your face with your left hand to signal that you are not interested in your gentleman caller; or slapping your
ass with your fan, to indicate you’re a hooker.



Sincerely,

Nicole

 
 
Dear Nicole,



What’s the deal with girls, what is the best way to get a girl to like you??



-Chris

 
Dear Chris,



A girl is like a rocketship: she flies to distant planets to collect rocks and soil samples for later analysis.



Sincerely,

Nicole

 
 
Dear Nicole,



Why do girls I like say they will call but never do? Am I stuck in some terrible backwards world where I (the male) sits by the phone waiting for Miss Perfect to
call only to have my feelings stomped night after pathetic night? What should I do?



-Patrick

 
Dear Patrick,



If you’re tired of being rejected by girls, you may want to avoid the human element altogether and adopt a nice paraphilia. There are hundreds to choose
from. And if you don’t see any you like, make one up! As Margaret Thatcher once said during one of her frequent visits to the famous S&M dungeons of
Windsor Castle, “If you can’t find something to fetishize, you’re not looking hard enough.” Here are a just few paraphilias you may
enjoy:



Formicophilia: Arousal from ants

Homilophilia: Arousal from giving or hearing sermons

Siderodromophilia: Arousal from trains (at right)

Ecdemolagnia/Hodophilia: Arousal from traveling or being away from home

Tripsolagnia: Arousal from having hair shampooed



Sincerely,

Nicole