>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer Nick Gaudio
October 8, 2006

The following is a piece intended for your use, my friends. Simply fill in the blanks where appropriate, memorize your speech and hopefully, logic will magically percolate into your intended lady's
brain. Then, well… then, the rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Godspeed.

Suck My Cock, Bitch: The Airtight Argument

Last night, I was __________
-writing you a poem,
-mowing our lawn,
-frying up some dog,

when I realized, that if you were to suck my cock, __________
-my bet with my buddies would finally be over.
-my love for you would finally be cemented for all eternity.
-my herpes might finally go into remission.

That is, if you, my darling, sucked my cock, I would be the happiest man on earth.

So here I am __________
-beside your bunk bed,
-driving our ChryslerTown and Country,
-eating Fido Lo Mein,

ready to reap the benefits of __________
-our newfound passion.
-a strange carnality that has yet to die at the bloody hands of our depressing, monogamous life.
-squirting jizz in your little, yellow slant-eyes.

You might be wondering, " Why should I give you, __________
-my boyfriend,
-my husband,
-a fifty-year-old, fat, balding man named Keith who doesn’t tip well,

the benefit of a nice slobberjob."

Well, if you'll sit here and listen, I will tell you why. I’ll tell you right here, right now.

First, though you may not admit it, because it's __________
-corny,
-passé,
-English,

the old maxim, “You know you want to” fits perfectly here. You, of course, are a woman and women have special needs.

Yes, I understand you haven’t had sex __________
-in 2 hours
-in 2 years
-in a bed

and that oral sex really isn’t sex… but, I’m obviously the only guy offering to place a dick in your body. Beggars can’t be choosers, you know.

Yes, I do realize that you’d probably rather suck on __________
-Johnny Depp's dick
-Kevin Costner's dick
-Hong Kong Phooey's dick

but what are the odds that you'll ever get within a hundred miles of that? Not very good if you ask me. I mean, __________
-Johnny Depp’s dick is probably small.
-Kevin Costner probably can’t get an erection anymore.
-Hong Kong Phooey doesn’t even exist.

Another important point __________
-no pun intended
-PUN INTENDED BITCH!

is that my penis tastes of _________
-LSD,
-Pepperidge Farm cookies,
-duck sauce and wanton soup,

so, you’d be out of your mind to not lick on my dicksicle. Out of your goddamned mind!

Also, don’t act so innocent. I know that you suck dick all the time. I’ve heard it from __________
-the entire frat house
-the entire post office
-the entire Senatorial committee on illegal immigrants

that you can suck a mean dick. So, it's not quite fair that I _________
-take you on dates and am pleasant to your bitchy, fat cunt friends
-buy you jewelry all the time and put up with the fact that I see your tampons in the trash (I can smell them you know…)
-pay your father twelve dollars for General Tso’s chicken and have the major shits when I get home

and you, in turn, offer me little to no reimbursement.

I'm becoming ever so discouraged, and am tiring of __________
-jerking off to Facebook pictures of your best friend in a tanktop.
-jerking off in the shower while you're on the phone with your mother.
-putting mirrors on my shoes and jerking off under the table while you get me a Cherry Coke.

You know what? Fuck it. You’ve got ten seconds to part your lips now, so that I can __________
-skullfuck you.
-fuck you in the skull.
-forcibly insert my penis into your mouth. Or as you say, “ching-ching, chong-chong.”

Darling, just remember, this is going probably to hurt you, but it’ll only take __________
-5 minutes
-3 minutes
-contact

and it'll all be over.

Remember, this makes me so happy.

Oh, and if you scream, I’ll fucking slit your throat.