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Woodland Traffic Jam

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Woodland Traffic Jam
 >>> Deer
Court


 By staff writer Court (the deer)



June 9, 2004

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Deer Court,



Did you know that deer cause almost $2 billion a year in traffic-related accidents?! How do you explain this sort of liability to society? Do you think deer are
the next major terrorist threat in America?



-Marion with a Dented Fender


Dear Marion,



Sounds like your deer-dented fender has got you all...bent out of shape? Ahahahah. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. But seriously, it all depends on your point
of view. From a deer's standpoint, highways cutting through woodland areas are merely blocking intersections between trees. The forest was here before roads were
paved, so it shouldn't surprise you that humans are actually considered the main terrorist threat to DEER. Our Department of Woodland Security avoids using colored
threat level assessments for obvious reasons, so you might not have been aware that we are constantly on high alert. It seems like you humans are always on
orange...



But back to what I was saying, how would you like it if sub-Saharan baboons took a liking to middle-class suburban culture, decided to build banana slides through
your backyards, and then complained when humans slipped on the peels and caused $2 billion worth of damage to their leaf-wrap-mobiles? Exactly. And to make things
worse, with deer traffic surging to an all-time high in 2003 (especially when I put all those does on foot patrol), it doesn't appear that things will get any
better until you dig up all your woodland highways, stupid Americans.



Just kidding, that would be too much trouble. Just put up a few more warning signs and maybe a fence or something and call it a day.



Sincerely,

Court (the deer)

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