Highschooljockodon: By far the most prevalent intramural species, the highschooljockodon is easily identified by the
“Catholic Football” t-shirt or “North Soccer” polyester sweater spanning his chest. He is a fierce competitor and often lashes out at those of
lesser skill who wander into his territory. The highschooljockodon plays intramurals to fill the void of glories past and strives for nothing less than a
championship. I...COUGH, excuse me...HE also refuses to seek therapy for his issues with accepting failure and moving on with his life.

"Proceed with caution in the presence of professorus geriatrus, as winning an intramural game does not satisfactorily offset failing a
class."

Nawvus: On the opposite end of the spectrum from the highschooljockodon lies the nawvus. This verbiage is
appropriate, as the nawvus can often be found face-down on the playing surface due to poor equilibrium. When not slowly climbing back to an upright position, the
nawvus can be spotted holding a hockey stick in the double-overhand grip or punishing an unwary backboard with ill-fated jump shots. What the nawvus lacks in
skill, he makes up for with childish innocence; thus he remains one of the most endearing species in the intramural kingdom.



Insti gator: Trademarked by his erratic behavior, the insti gator will defend his territory at all costs. Modern science cannot definitively explain the
reasons for his overtly aggressive behavior, but the prevailing theory is that he fights to mask his own feelings of inadequacy. When challenged, the insti gator will
puff out his chest and stand on the balls of his feet so as to make himself appear more physically imposing, but will typically wait until his opponent is on the ground or
looking the other way before engaging in battle. The insti gator is known for claiming that his rival combatants were “being assholes,” yet it is he who
gets in a fight every game.

Specimen #69: Whether it’s a flock of flag football players or a school of slow-pitch softballers, every intramural group
invariably contains one these specimens. Yet to be officially categorized, specimen #69 was usually the last to find out about the corresponding maneuver, and has
maintained a juvenile fascination with the number ever since, as he was likely denied the pornographic rites to adulthood during his adolescent years. Specimen #69
will characteristically flaunt his distinguishable jersey and giggle nervously at any reference to mating habits.



Homo playsdowntowin: Often seen strutting around proudly in his intramural champions t-shirt, homo playsdowntowin fronts the air of a mighty champion,
when in fact he shies away from true competition at all costs. Homo playsdowntowin typically wasn’t good enough to make the cut in high school, so he relishes
victory, even if he has to beat Chinese grad students in basketball to attain it. Homo playsdowntowin spends much of his life feeding voraciously on the weaker
nawvus species, while highschooljockodon lurks hungrily in the bushes, patiently waiting for his chance to feast.



Professorus geriatrus: One of the rarest species in the intramural kingdom, professorus geriatrus is typified by his patchy body hair, Rec
Specs^® brand goggles, and disturbingly overactive sweat glands. A generally harmless species, professorus geriatrus is slow-footed and stiff, and
can frequently be seen exhibiting primitive behaviors, such as the hook shot. Proceed with caution in the presence of professorus geriatrus, despite his generally
tame nature, as winning an intramural game does not satisfactorily offset failing a class.



Hopefully, as more is learned about these species and more varieties of intramural athlete are discovered, we will come to understand more about the world around us and
begin to live in harmony with all beings. That said, I’m offering good money for the pelt of a homo playsdowntowin. Somebody needs to put those cocky
motherfuckers in their place.

|