>>> Three Beers Deep
By staff writer Chris Phelan
May 16, 2007

Hey everybody, welcome to Three Beers Deep, back after a week-long absence. I’ve got a pretty good column for you today, but just a warning, the comedy is borderline bipolar. I don’t know what got into me while I was writing it, but it came out pretty ridiculous. Whatever, I’m sure you’ll like it.

A few random thoughts real quick:

1. The Office has been blowing my mind week after week. I’m pretty sure my anticipation for the final two episodes of the season is approaching a “Christmas Eve when you were six years old” level of excitement right now. Oh, and I swear to God if this season doesn’t end with something happening between Pam and Jim I’m going to drop an anvil on my head.

2. I don’t know if anybody has watched VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club this season, but it’s an absolute trainwreck. Dustin Diamond (the guy who played Screech on Saved by the Bell) is single-handedly proving himself to be the biggest asshole to ever participate in a reality show… and I’m loving every second of it. One of these episodes Da Brat is going to walk into the weigh-in and just mow him down with a semiautomatic and I will be cheering wildly as it happens.

"You'll be judged on how much you bench press. Just throw a heavy-yet-believable set of weights on the bar."

3. And I’ll just say this in passing because I’ll wind up writing 500 words about this if I get going: I think Heroes is by far the best overall show on TV right now and I haven’t been legitimately “taken for a ride” by a show like this in a long time. How I’ve watched this show from the beginning and not commented on it until now is beyond me, by the way.

4. Holy crap I watch way too much television.

Anyway, in the past year or so here on Points in Case, I’ve helped you ride the campus shuttle, meet the hot new neighbors, and visit your friends’ friends. Now I think it’s time I help you become king of the school gym.

A Beginner’s Guide to the Gym

So you woke up extra-early this morning and you’ve decided you’re going to start going to the gym. That’s a fantastic choice to make. And as a veritable human encyclopedia on college gyms, I’m here to guide you along on your quest towards total body perfection.

Now, the first thing you’re going to have to do is get dressed. “But I like being naked, why can’t I be naked at the gym?” you ask. To which I reply: because this is COLLEGE. Keep your clothes on, loser. Jesus.

Find a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Make sure your t-shirt references the AAU team you played for back in high school. If all you have is a plain white shirt, that’s even better. Nothing says “I’m an absolute beast, sexually” like a white t-shirt completely soaked through with sweat. So anyway, find some mesh shorts, throw on some sneakers, and start heading over to the gym. Oh, and don’t put on any underwear, either. Don’t worry, this will come in to play—with hilarious consequences—a little later.

Now you’re dressed and ready to go, right? WRONG, FATTY.

Head over to your computer. Slap up an away message. Make sure the whole damn world knows that you are going to the gym. Make people checking away messages feel like crap for sitting in front of a computer instead of pumping iron like a real man. You are so cool.

…

……

…Okay, okay, wow. We get it. You’re great at Snood. You’ve been playing this for... wow. This is like, what? Going on an hour now? IT’S NOT EVEN THE REGISTERED VERSION?! JESUS H CHRIST GET TO THE GYM!!

Oh, and by the way, no good away message is ever made in less than 3 seconds. Next time try a little less Snood and a little more pining away at the perfect away message. Jeez, and you wonder why you haven’t gotten laid in a month.

Anyway, you’ve managed to walk across campus without getting hit by cars that really toe the “don’t hit students walking in the crosswalks” line and now you’re at the gym. Take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

First, head over to the free weights section of the gym. Here you will find the usual array of athletes, jocks, muscleheads, and here’s the kicker: absolutely no girls. And this is where you’ll spend most of your time! So there you have it—proof that life really isn’t fair. (Unless you’re gay, in which case you are now dropping down to your knees and praising the Lord.)

Here are a few simple tips for the free weights area:

1. You will be judged on how much you bench press. And I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but any amount above your body weight is borderline impossible to bench press. So just throw a heavy-yet-believable set of weights onto the bar, such as two 45-pound plates on each side, and just sit on the bench. Start breathing heavy. Flex. Repeat until you have made eye contact with every dude in the gym. This is how respect is earned.
   
2. The more iPods you have strapped to your arms, the better.
   
3. Grunting is something you just have to do. Don’t ask why. It doesn’t matter if you are busting out preacher curls or doing squats or looking in the mirror. I’m definitely pretty sure grunting probably gets you laid.
   
4. Don’t be fooled by the guys carrying around their own cool GNC “water bottles.” They’re actually drinking straight Dubra, and they’re all hammered, having a great time being drunk at the gym. High-five them. Befriend these people. Because they throw the best parties.
   
5. If you see a guy bench pressing by himself, always offer to spot him. He will always graciously accept your kind offer, because nobody likes to bench press alone. And as he’s struggling through his final rep and you are crouched over him grunting words of encouragement… gently teabag his forehead. Then call him gay and run away high-fiving as many jacked dudes as you can. See, I told you it was a good idea not to wear boxers.
   
6. And the most important tip of all: it’s not about how much you lift, it’s about how many guys you chat with in lieu of actually working out. It doesn’t matter if you are the most jacked dude in the world, if you don’t waste at least 40% of your time at the gym talking to other dudes about sluts, parties, and sports, you’re not using your time wisely.

So now you have finished pumping iron and you’re looking for a good cardiovascular workout. Head on over to your gym’s treadmill/elliptical area and you’re all set.

Hey, notice anything different?

That’s right, it’s GIRL-O-RAMA.

Wowwwwww. There are girls as far as the eye can see. Skinny girls, fat girls, pretty girls, duck-looking girls, girls who inexplicably wear black shorts with the word “PINK” on them… they’re all here. And they’re all here for you. To ogle.

And believe it or not, it gets even better. Head on over to the front lines: the very first row of treadmills. Trust me; without fail, every single treadmill will be occupied by an extremely hot co-ed. I don’t know how this is, but the second and third and fourth rows are general admission while the front row is always reserved for the hottest girls at your school. Commit this to memory.

That being said, I’m going to take this time to present to you the number one cardinal rule of being in the cardio area:

1. Don’t fight the urge to go down the line o’ hot girls jogging, smacking each and every ass along the way. If God didn’t want you to do it, He wouldn’t have presented you with 22 hot girl asses all in a row just waiting to be spanked.

Don’t get me wrong, feel free to actually use these crazy treadmills and ellipticals and what looks to be some sort of laying-down bicycle thing, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: you mainly come here for the view.

(Oh, and I’m sure you’re thinking about running on a treadmill and intentionally falling off just to get a big laugh out of the entire gym, right? Well don’t do it. Nobody’s going to see it except for like one dude, trust me. You’re just going to come off looking like a douchebag. It’s not worth it.)

In closing, I hope this guide helps you ease into this new phase of your life—a phase of total body perfection. Going to the gym regularly is surprisingly one of the
hardest things to do during your college years, and I wish you nothing but good luck.