Why do I feel like, at some point in my life, these two stories are going to converge into one top story of my own?

1. A 184-Proof Whiskey, and That's No Blarney
2. Wife Tired of Defending Herself in Husband's Disappearance

It'll be me, crying in a corner, blaming the latest whiskey for my inability to recount the details of my wife's death, while I simultaneously use that whiskey to drown the sorrows of said inability. The irony will literally be tragic, but oh so sweet.

I like when spammers get creative. I used to get a whole lot of spam, and then one day, I want to say about a year ago, things suddenly dropped off. (For a long time I kept a log of the funniest spam emails I got--one day I will publish them all.) Now, spam is few and far between (as IM spam now increases in effectiveness), but occasionally one gets through that really makes me happy that someone out there is balancing the cutting edge of humor and sarcasm with pornographic direct marketing.

On Monday, I received a spam email (from a person known only as "djnumber8") that really gave me hope for sleazy copywriters everywhere:

Subject: You inherited a small dick from you father and think there is no way to help it.
From: "djnumber8" <hwljpcpidng@hotmail.com>
Date: Mon, March 6, 2006 5:04 pm
To: court@pic.com

Do you want your dick to be wallpaper for a computer? Try Penis Enlarge Patch. http://www.keparoo.1nfo/pt/?JBKQ0

Such textbook-perfect psychological technique!

1. Tell it like it is. Obviously my father had a small penis, or else how would I have one too? It's not rocket science, it's just genetics...an equally difficult subject.

2. Attack common institutions. Society has trained us that genetics cannot be reversed. Thus, by acknowleding that I feel trapped helplessly inside my small penis, the spammer subtly sets up a loophole to be exploited.

3. Create artificial wants in the consumer. Do I NEED my dick to be wallpaper for a computer? Of course not, I have breasts and vaginas for that. Do I WANT my dick to be wallpaper for a computer? Hmm, I never thought of that...

4. Offer a solution. To fulfill my wants, I should purchase a product--in this case, the Penis Enlarge Patch, which obviously compensates for the OTHER 1277x1016 pixels on my screen.

Of course, I'm too scared to click on the link (which I included completely intact above) for fear a giant penis might take control of my computer, but feel free to check it out for yourself...if you dare. (Might I suggest wearing a condom? There could be viruses.)

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