Oh, The Places You'll Go: The Lesbian Bar

Congratulations!
Tonight is your night!
You're off to the dikebar!
You'll be filled with delight!

You have money in your pocket.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can buy a Pussy Juice
or any drink that you choose.

You're with your guy friends.
And they're filled with lots of beers
they don't believe it's a dikebar
because they see a few queers.

You'll look up and down girls.
Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say,
"I don't choose to go there."

If you say it aloud,
you might seem pretty mean
but it's better to do that,
than fuck a Drag Queen

Things I learned at the Lesbian Bar

-Hot lesbians like bulldikes
-Bulldikes like bulldikes
-According to bulldikes, the difference between a lesbian and a bulldike is hair length
-Bulldikes are obviously very diluted.
-The most popular drink is called "Pussy juice." I shit you not. Pussy juice.
-Pussy juice tastes good, but won't get you drunk
-Now, I can say Lesbians like pussy juice, and it be correct in more than one way.
-Lesbians don't like hearing jokes like that over and over again.
-Drag Queens go to the lesbian bar
-Sometimes, Drag Queens go to the lesbian bar to pick up chicks, ironically enough
-Drag Queens prefer to be called "Miss" not "Sir"
-Drag Queens are very charitable with giving away cigarettes
-The men's bathroom in a lesbian bar is very clean
-The word "DIE" may or may not be etched into the wall above the urinal
-The word "DIE," etched into the wall above the urinal that you're pissing in, will slightly intimidate you if you're drunk and in a lesbian bar
-There is a dancefloor in the lesbian bar, nobody dances
-They serve beer by the pitcher, for $3.00
-Not many gay dudes at the lesbian bar...only my friends.
-It's easier to burn your friends in a lesbian bar
-Like saying "Hey Shaun you should go talk to that girl...I'm sure she's straight"
-And waiting for the results
-Lesbians and bulldikes alike do not like seeing straight people kiss
-Lesbians and bulldikes that do not like seeing straight people kiss go home alone
-Because they're generally ugly or really fucking weird
-Because straight people kissing is the natural way of kissing
-Lesbians do not like hearing this fact
-When liquor is thrown in your face, it burns your eyes a little


So, let's recap...

cheap beer
free cigarettes
girls making out
clean bathrooms
good 80s rock--oh shit, the game's on and Syracuse just fucking scored.

Gaudio, out.

(let's go mountaineers)

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