How would you have sex with a mermaid? Don't get me wrong, I've had sex with mermaids before, I'm just wondering how you did it. Did you cut their legs apart to get to their no-no naughty parts?

I'm thinking about moving to Hollywood and only playing roles where the character is in a wheelchair. I will become a famous crippled actor, bringing new meaning to the term. Then in a tragic accident, I will become actually crippled. I will decide to play non-crippled characters in movies, but it will not pan out.

It's pretty ironic that Americans can go to the moon, but we can't go to Cuba.

I wonder if Playgirl has any straight guys on their staff? (No pun intended - staff.) Because I'm sure Playboy has some straight girls working on their staff. (Still no pun intended.)

I'm convinced that Victoria's Secret models will be the first humans to fly. Not because they're smart (a 100 on your IQ test equals perfect, right?), but because they're always wearing those huge wings. Conspiracy theory, anyone?

One year during the ol' family Christmas get-together, my uncle made a reference to Tony Soprano and the ducks that he became obsessed with. I thought it was really cool that my 55+ uncle made a Sopranos reference and I had a newfound respect for him after that. Then, the next year at the family Christmas celebration, he made the same reference. I lost not only the newfound respect for him, but any previous respect, and he became the creepy uncle who makes the same 'jokes' over and over again.

When Lance Armstrong dies, I'm going to make so many Livestrong jokes. Well, probably just one, but...

Rednecks and hicks say duct tape can fix anything, but it can't fix a rape accusation and subsequent trial. Unless you use it to tape the judge to a chair, and then throw that chair off a cliff. Solves all your problems.

I was going to make a joke about fantasy bowling, like a fake advertising paragraph for it. Then I discovered there actually is a 'real' thing called fantasy bowling. It's probably a joke in and of itself, though, so maybe I'll go ahead with the joke.

Possible slogan for this blog: Making my parents proud, one rape joke at a time.