"The moral of the story is if you're ever in Mexico and three clowns are beating up your grandma, don't call the police. The clowns are the police."

"The Gallagher-to-Carrot Top ratio at this party is insane."

"Why don't they make Lime Jello-flavored condoms?"

"I'm a door-to-door Q-tip salesman. Business is not good."

"I failed out of Sunday school."

"I fell asleep in class, so my teacher drew dicks and nazi symbols on my face with a Sharpie."

"We have no choice but to invade Antarctica."

"What religion are you?"
"Well I've sort of been getting into radical Islamic fundamentalism lately."

"It's hard living up to your father when your father is Mother Theresa."

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