The Church's Business in Sex Ed

My Dearest National (and Local) Church,

I know have not been the best person about actually going to Church or believing half of the things You say, but when did We become a business specializing in Sex Ed? I thought it was all about loving some Jesus (in a purely platonic way regardless of what is said during those more “intimate” moments) and finding new ways to attract the hip, young crowd without causing Our elders to freak out.

(Personally, I love singing “Jesus is a rock and he rolls my blues away, bop shoe bop, shoe bop, woo,” while turning my grandparents hearing aids off just as much as any other college kid looking score free mothball cookies and flat punch. I know that my grandparents, the frisky little ex-Catholics that they are, would have to put me out of my misery if they knew that the Church was trying to taint my soul with the evil sounds of Rock ‘n Roll.)

But that has nothing to do with the point, the point is that why does the Church feel the need to teach my younger siblings about sex when they already know the ins and outs of sex via the Soulless Public School System? My wonderful, angelic siblings already know of the evils of pre-marital sex and the many ways God will punish them for not resisting the temptation of the flesh. They do not need to be tempted with condoms and dental dam demonstrations; they need to have a Healthy Dose of Scripture and Morales poured into their pure, innocent minds. After all, how can they make good, healthy decisions about sex if they don’t know that God and His Pals, Jesus and Holy Spirit, like to watch?

Don’t even get me started on the commercials that were made to Raise Awareness. Awareness of what? That NBC and CBS think We are inappropriate for Television? We do not sell books or videos. Having controversy surround Us like debt surrounds a recent graduate does not improve donations! If You want people to give more money, then You have to offer them premiums. I think We should start giving people a free toaster or a gallon of gas for every $200 in donations they give to the Church.

Sincerely,

Roxy.

***

"Where has Roxy been?"
the answer... sometime later today... maybe.

Latest Will and Testament

Last Will and Testament of Roxanne Proxita Beatrice Lopatka Hamm

I, Roxanne Proxita Beatrice Lopatka Hamm, being of sound enough mind and half-way decent body, am writing my last will and testament. I denounce all previously-made wills and testaments including the one I wrote in the third grade that said I wanted to leave my brother Jonathan “all my boogers because he is one.” It is of my last wishes that my sister Jessica be the executor of this will because we both know that our mother will be too busy yelling at me for being belligerent, anti-social, and quitting the softball team to be bothered with any wishes concerning the funeral or the disposition of my property.

Jessica, I want you to make sure that I am cremated instead of buried. There is no point in wasting tasty preservatives on the dead. You can throw my ashes off the tower of the Merom Conference Center, or you can have my ashes pressed into a diamond and make me into the creepy, family heirloom that nobody wants.

I leave everything to myself. Should myself predecease I, I leave everything to me. In the event that both myself and me predecease I, I leave everything for you guys to fight over.

Signed,
Roxy and Two witnesses.

Poor Hygiene Terrorizing Across Country

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I have seen many acts that are deplorable and inhumane but nothing could prepare me for the crime that went on before my very eyes in the ladies restroom. Yes, the crime I am ranting about this time is lack of cleansing after using the facilities. While I was scrubbing my hands free of the dirt and germs that may or may not have collected upon my person, a so-called lady of the highest fashion left her stall. This lady who had come off of her pedestal to rub shoulders with the little people was so busy looking for the quickest exit strategy that she neglected all sense of etiquette and left the restroom with washing her hands. So appalled by the actions of this upper class leader for the masses, I was unable to gently point out the woman’s mistake and instead lost my temper and told her that showing manners to the public might be a decent way to dismount from one’s undeserved high horse.

I believe this woman is guilty. She is guilty of spreading disease and forcing others to share in the foul stench of her excrement. She is guilty of showing everyone she comes in contact with the highest degree of disrespect as she offers her soiled hand to the unsuspecting acquaintance. Most of all, my dear jurors, she is guilty of bioterrorism. I think it’s our patriotic duty to this fair country to participate in the war against all forms of terrorists. When you go to do your patriotic duty to this country, I want to think of all the things this great country stands for. I personally like to think of freedom, peace, the American way, factory workers, justice, taxation with representation, and various fruit pies. Would want any of these things in danger because one woman out right refuses to keep her dirty habits in the privacy of her own home? I know we can’t force Ms. Katz to practice good hygiene within her residence, but I would hate to see what her actions do to the country, the environment, and my tires’ performance. I want to look into your hearts and tell me, if we don’t nip this in the bud, who will?”

Extra Curricular Junkies Awareness Week

Three of every five people have participated in extra curricular activities. One out of every four ‘active’ college students is suffering from an extra curricular addiction, and they need your help. In order to help your ailing comrade, you need to know a few things about Extra-Curricular Addiction or ECA.

ECA is a serious disorder that is medically defined as “psychological and physiological need to join various clubs, teams, councils, and volunteer positions sponsored by an academic institution.” People who call themselves or display the personality traits of over-achievers, perfectionists, and/or social butterflies are the most susceptible to ECA. Children of “college admissions aware” parents are also susceptible to ECA. If a person who has been exposed to the phrase “this will make you well-rounded,” are at a high risk for developing ECA.

Symptoms of Extra Curricular Addiction include an irregular sleep pattern, rapid weight loss, rapid weight gain, paranoia, short term memory loss and an ill-kept appearance such as wrinkled or unclean clothes, uncombed hair, graying socks or underwear, and/or pit stains.

If you are worried that you or someone you know is suffering from ECA, please stop kidding yourself. It’s a made-up disease just like Restless Leg Syndrome. The only real difference between ECA and RLS is that ECA is not backed up by a large drug manufacturer. If you really want to what your problem is, it is this; you bit off more than you can chew. The cures for trying to stuff your face are to spit something out and to stop chewing with just one side of your mouth.

Oh, and if you can’t get the help you need, maybe you should try asking nicely for a change.

Who's Your State?

I love Indiana. From having to plan my graduation party around 500 traffic to wanting to sell the Colts back to whatever city they used to screw with increased sales taxes, from the lack of metropolitan havens to the nonexistent public transportation, from the governor covering Eli Lilly and Company’s stupidity to mercury being used in our vaccine preserves, for some bizarre reason, I still have a fondness for the state. I believe the state is trying to kill me, but I still love it like an abused child waiting for my step daddy to hug me. Really, other daddy, it’s not my fault my hair looks red. Why don’t you love me?

Indiana, I love you. While you have a fair amount of baggage, you still maintain a quaint country humor about you even though Indianapolis is trying to break off all the ties with good, old fashion living by maintaining some form of hygiene and installing indoor plumbing. You pick me up during the depression back to school week with the lure of barnyard animals to view, deep-fry, and digest all at the same event. You have nurtured my love of all things fried, barbequed, baked, and sweetened with honey. I feel like I can walk around the neighborhood without being fatally wounded (unless I’m in one of the tiny towns by the highway at night).

And yes, I love living in the creamy blue center of a red state.

You know when I’m actually home.

-Roxy

P.S. Jazz gets all the credit for the title. The only question is, has she written the song that goes with the title? Hmmmm?
P.P.S. Oh, yeah, I'm not dead and sorry if you thought/hoped I was.