Stuck in a Platonic Dimension (First in a Small Series)

Everything was going smoothly. You were flirting, laughing, and actually enjoying yourself. She was funny, pretty, and smart. (Read: She was hot and laughed at your dead baby jokes.) You talked for hours about cabbages and kings. (You droned for thirty minutes about your paper route while she checked out my perfect derrière.) The time was right; you could tell her panties were dripping with anticipation. (Dude, her skirt was a figment of your imagination, and you spilled your third beer on her after noticing it was completely made of backwash. Everyone could see her panties were soaked with your alcoholic dreams and dishonorable intentions.) You moved in for the kill, and she countered your strike to her weak spot. Time has run out and the doors of opportunity (and her legs) have snapped shut. Don’t worry! She still values your opinion... kinda.

“Welcome to the Friend Zone.”

“I’m not saying I send many people here or that I get sent here by many people, but I will be tour guide this evening. Please keep all extremities inside the van at all times. Do not feed the captives false hope. Feeding the captives is very dangerous and should only be done by the professional manipulators we have on staff here at the Friend Zone. Please be aware of the exits at all times. Should an emergency occur, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye because only the staff has safety equipment, and they will not share under any circumstances. I hope this tour provides a deeper understanding for how and why one is sent to the Friend Zone. Let’s get this show on the road.”

“If you look to your left, you will see the “Overly Emotional” exhibit. These captives are often called “nice guys” or “sweet girls.” They made the horrible mistake of falling in love with their targets. Amateur Manipulators will keep the “nice person” in the Friend Zone in false hopes of keeping their feelings from being hurt. Our more professional Manipulators will keep nice guys and gals around for various reasons including but not limited to favors, jail money, date escapes, the answers to next year’s test, and the filing of tax forms. Does anyone know why our professional Manipulators refuse to sex up the nice guys/girls?”

“Because they are too nice?”

“Good answer, but what is too nice and why is that a bad thing? Anyone?”

“Because Manipulators are not attracted to the idea of every thrust being paired with “I love you” or the eventual fall out between manipulator and pawn when the pawn realizes that the manipulator does not return the feelings.”

“Thank you Stacy. Stacy is one our top Manipulators at the Friend Zone, and she currently holds the top record for most pawns owned. Let’s watch Stacy in action as she feeds Mark, our newest pawn. Notice how Stacy uses innocent body language when approaching Mark? Our manipulators spend years perfecting this technique of hair twirling and shy smiling. Stacy is also being encouraging without asking for anything. This is very important for maintaining an unhealthy Pawn-Manipulator relationship. If Stacy was only encouraging when she was asking for something, Mark would catch on to her head games. If she appears to encourage Mark unconditionally, he will remain a “lost cause.” Do you have a question ma’am?”

“How do you sleep at night?”

“I sleep on my side, between the sheets, under a comforter, and with my arms wrapped around a queen-sized, extra-firm pillow. Any other questions?”

“How can one tell the difference between a person who is being genuine with their feelings and just another manipulator?”

“Our scientists have insufficient data. The occurrence of a person being genuine with their feelings while in a position of power is so rare that the scientific community is discussing the possibility that these people are extinct or never existed. Let’s move on to the next exhibit and no touching the captives.”

To be continued… I promise.

Labels: The Friend Zone, things without benefits, too nice

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