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About Roxanne Hamm
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It's Really Not That Hard To Understand... (Part 3 in a Small Series)
Posted April 12th, 2007 by Roxanne Hamm
Could we have a moment of silence please?
...
Thank you, and back to your regularly scheduled entertainment.
See? I’m continuing! Click here and then here for more details if you’re confused.
“If you’ll look to straight ahead you will see that we are coming to the “Just One of the Boys” park. In this exhibit, the girls are perfect representations of what the guys have said they wanted in a woman. Unfortunately these girls end up in the Friend Zone because it turns out guys don’t want to date their guy friends and that is what they end up thinking about the Tomboys. The Tomboys have a hard time getting guys' attention because they are not struttin' their stuff like peacocks. The silly Tomboys think that guys will actually like them for their personality. Too bad guys are visually oriented (and by “visually oriented” I mean they like to stare at boobies, legs, butts, and various body parts). Yes sir?”
“How did you manage to speak in parentheses?”
“(Talent). Let’s see if you can see what the major difference is between the Tomboys and their counterparts.”
“Leslie, you will not believe what my girlfriend did today!”
“Wanna bet?”
“She tried to pop my collar. If I wanted to pop my collar, my collar would be popped. Then she told me-“
“If you are going to tell me something as depressing as your whipped status, you are going to have to buy me a beer.”
“-that I couldn’t buy you drinks anymore because it’s like buying a woman a drink at the bar. I tried to explain to her that I don’t think of you like-”
“You better end in that sentence in such way that doesn’t piss off the one person willing to listen to your problems with Stacey.”
“-a sex object?”
“Now who is the manipulator? What? No one is going to guess? The answer is that they both are the manipulators. The guy friend knows his other friends won’t listen to the madness and Leslie knows, scratch that, Leslie is just a big softie milking her position as the friend is who willing to care. Any questions? You in the short skirt and the hooker boots?”
“Why would anyone put up with being treated like this? I mean, I couldn’t stand it if someone completely ignored my gender.”
“You know, some women actually fought to have their gender ignored. They were called “Femi-nazis,” and they tried to prove that they could do things just as well as men could. One day the men thought they had the upper hand when they challenged the Femi-nazis to an ejaculation contest. After realizing the Femi-nazis kicked their collective ass to Jupiter, so the losing party could get more stupider, the men realized they were collectively turned on by this mysterious female orgasm with optional spray. Since the Femi-nazis betrayed their gender by showing womankind’s most valued weapon against the man-beast stronghold, they and all of their descendents were sentenced to wear androgynous clothing until the end of time.”
“Really?”
“No, actually the Tomboys are usually okay with being friends with guys. It just gets a little tiring to the friend and never the girlfriend. They tend to be a little more understanding in that whole “attraction is a two-way street” school of thought. An interesting fact to note is that Tomboys are the most likely to completely change their dress and attitude for one night to prove that they can be fucking feminine too. This tends to confuse the shit out the boys who get conflicting messaging from their penises. The action tends to lead them to think “If she goes from ‘one of the guys’ to a girl, does this make her a tranny? What if I find her hot? Is this the first step in coming to terms with my gayness?” I believe you have a question sir.”
“You mentioned big egos earlier. What’s wrong with big egos?”
“Have you ever watched American Idol where people are convinced that they are amazing singers regardless of owning and operating ears? Big egos happen to affect the effects of gravity on an individual to the point where sometimes they just aren’t in touch with reality anymore. In other words, nothing that humble pie can’t fix. Speaking of which, the caters from Julep’s would like you to know that everyone is entitle to a piece of humble pie at the picnic at the end of this very special tour.”
Special Thanks to Leslie and Tillie for the awesome suggestion and Martin from bk for pointing out a good question that I should have addressed earlier. I still have at least one more group left if no one has anymore suggestions. I’ll try to wrap it all up Friday. (Sweet Jesus Juice this thing is already into its fifth page.)
...
Thank you, and back to your regularly scheduled entertainment.
See? I’m continuing! Click here and then here for more details if you’re confused.
“If you’ll look to straight ahead you will see that we are coming to the “Just One of the Boys” park. In this exhibit, the girls are perfect representations of what the guys have said they wanted in a woman. Unfortunately these girls end up in the Friend Zone because it turns out guys don’t want to date their guy friends and that is what they end up thinking about the Tomboys. The Tomboys have a hard time getting guys' attention because they are not struttin' their stuff like peacocks. The silly Tomboys think that guys will actually like them for their personality. Too bad guys are visually oriented (and by “visually oriented” I mean they like to stare at boobies, legs, butts, and various body parts). Yes sir?”
“How did you manage to speak in parentheses?”
“(Talent). Let’s see if you can see what the major difference is between the Tomboys and their counterparts.”
“Leslie, you will not believe what my girlfriend did today!”
“Wanna bet?”
“She tried to pop my collar. If I wanted to pop my collar, my collar would be popped. Then she told me-“
“If you are going to tell me something as depressing as your whipped status, you are going to have to buy me a beer.”
“-that I couldn’t buy you drinks anymore because it’s like buying a woman a drink at the bar. I tried to explain to her that I don’t think of you like-”
“You better end in that sentence in such way that doesn’t piss off the one person willing to listen to your problems with Stacey.”
“-a sex object?”
“Now who is the manipulator? What? No one is going to guess? The answer is that they both are the manipulators. The guy friend knows his other friends won’t listen to the madness and Leslie knows, scratch that, Leslie is just a big softie milking her position as the friend is who willing to care. Any questions? You in the short skirt and the hooker boots?”
“Why would anyone put up with being treated like this? I mean, I couldn’t stand it if someone completely ignored my gender.”
“You know, some women actually fought to have their gender ignored. They were called “Femi-nazis,” and they tried to prove that they could do things just as well as men could. One day the men thought they had the upper hand when they challenged the Femi-nazis to an ejaculation contest. After realizing the Femi-nazis kicked their collective ass to Jupiter, so the losing party could get more stupider, the men realized they were collectively turned on by this mysterious female orgasm with optional spray. Since the Femi-nazis betrayed their gender by showing womankind’s most valued weapon against the man-beast stronghold, they and all of their descendents were sentenced to wear androgynous clothing until the end of time.”
“Really?”
“No, actually the Tomboys are usually okay with being friends with guys. It just gets a little tiring to the friend and never the girlfriend. They tend to be a little more understanding in that whole “attraction is a two-way street” school of thought. An interesting fact to note is that Tomboys are the most likely to completely change their dress and attitude for one night to prove that they can be fucking feminine too. This tends to confuse the shit out the boys who get conflicting messaging from their penises. The action tends to lead them to think “If she goes from ‘one of the guys’ to a girl, does this make her a tranny? What if I find her hot? Is this the first step in coming to terms with my gayness?” I believe you have a question sir.”
“You mentioned big egos earlier. What’s wrong with big egos?”
“Have you ever watched American Idol where people are convinced that they are amazing singers regardless of owning and operating ears? Big egos happen to affect the effects of gravity on an individual to the point where sometimes they just aren’t in touch with reality anymore. In other words, nothing that humble pie can’t fix. Speaking of which, the caters from Julep’s would like you to know that everyone is entitle to a piece of humble pie at the picnic at the end of this very special tour.”
Special Thanks to Leslie and Tillie for the awesome suggestion and Martin from bk for pointing out a good question that I should have addressed earlier. I still have at least one more group left if no one has anymore suggestions. I’ll try to wrap it all up Friday. (Sweet Jesus Juice this thing is already into its fifth page.)
Labels: a Femi-nazi tale, The Friend Zone, Tomboys
18 Comments
OMG - laughing to the point of tears at the squirting part. Great chapter of the story. I'm going to lunch tomorrow with my friend to be introduced into one of the men that she works with...still deciding on whether to go with the jeans and low cut top, or something else...any suggestions? I'm not so good at this...and I don't think the jeans, hoodie, and ball cap are working too well. May have to perform the magic transformation for the sake of proving a point.
squirting is the new pink
Just like pink was the new popped collar. Or is it the other way around? I'm no good at this...
Hey, all pink will squirt if you pop it right. Just collar her in and turn that pawn into a queen (who doesn't love chess puns!).
Tillie, I would wear the low cut top if you have the boobs to do so. Might as well show off the whole "yah, I got the goods" before you become one of the guys again.
If Court is the king of puns who is his jester?
Buttnz, you tried, so you get an "E" for effort.
-X-, nice. Not the "oh that's nice" that girls say and not mean but the "nice" that guys say with the flat hand smoothing out the creases in the air motion.
Rox, you pulled that off to a degree I never could have imagined. Kudos to you for absolutely rocking it.
Tillie, I second the low-cut shirt if you have the chest for it. Try the transition...if only temporarily.
Thanks Roxy and Leslie - low cut top it is. Yes, I have the anatomy required for the apparel. We'll see how the hot veterinarian responds to the transformation.
ur right, big ego's give you a sense of worth that you dont deserve, like wen ugly fat girls act like bitches cuz they think they hot shit, wow sometimes i want to punch some sense into them.
But what about if your ego is justified, by constant positive reinforcement (ie.. blowjobs)
martin from bk
martin from bk - I think the point is that people with big egos have *something* that falls short of spectacualr - everyone does. So a big ego is just a way of trying to promote what you do have and minimize what you don't...and that only works on girls who only pay attention to the superficial stuff - (ie- the bitchy girls that try to control you) - any girl worth having pays attention to the whole you and thinks your quirks are cute. So - egos are NEVER justified regardless of their nack for tricking women into giving them blowjobs. :-)
lol well said tillie...but
having a big ego, and showing that you have a big ego are two different things. Deep down you can have the biggest ego(for watever reasons, there can be many) but on the outside you seem reserved, almost diabolical in your spoken word and actions.
I know that im a manipulator, but the thing is, i dont try an manipulate "good girls". i woo them with my intelligence and charisma.
On the other hand... nothing brings a smile to my face more than seeing a girl who spends the majority of her time playing games with people, get her head fucked with. Its like the girls that play games have this playbook that they get all their plays from, its hilarious to me wen i can predict their actions and intentions before the day even begins.
Then again, the girls that play games aren't worth 2 shits, only for sex.
martin from bk
This has confused me for some time...and maybe someone here can clear it up for me. Maybe it's a men vs. women thing - but I don't understand how you can have sex with people without any sort of emotional attraction. Honestly, is physical attraction enough? I don't think there's any way I could possibly have sex with someone I can't even enjoy having a conversation with. Is is really possible to completely separate the emotional part of sex from the physical part? If yes, do you give lessons?? LOL!
i know exactly what your talking about...
it goes like this, at least for me... nothing makes me more happier then to be able to have a deep conversation with someone (good-looking)and then have amazing sex with them, then have more conversations, then more sex etc...
the problem lies in probability. The probability of someone being good-looking and intelligent is very small. Girls and guys would agree. Not many dudes have a 168 IQ, are good-looking, and are hung like gaudio (zing!), likewise for women (minus having a dick). So most of the time, at least in my case, i have to ignore the pointless drivel that these airheads spew, because the sexy reward is worth it. Sometimes if im lucky ill find a diamond in the rough, if im even luckier, she's single (not likely).
So the moral is... you can only play with the cards in your hand and on the table (texas hold 'em anyways). Sometimes you'll get lucky and find some1 truly special that you can share your heart and loins with. Statistically speaking, this will happen to a guy about 3 times in his life, so he must be very proactive wen he finds a girl who is smart, attractive, funny and hot. Wen we find said girl, we usually marry her, at least i will anyways.
The other times, just nod your head, say "mmm hmm", "yep" "i totally know what you mean" and just wait for the sexy times. hope that puts shit in perspective for u. Cuz if you stick to the ideal that you should only fuck who you are in love wit, you sure do miss out on alot of sexy times lol.
martin from bk
Leslie, Thank you!
Tillie you need to us if the low-cut top worked, and great answer to the big ego question.
Anony/Martin from bk, you really helped put the male population in a very easy to understand words. Do you mind if I ask for your opinion? What am I missing? I know I'm pretty "hit or miss" on the humor thing, but what the fuck man? Using that logic I really do spend way too much time in the Friend Zone.
im not really understanding the question... what are you missing in terms of what? are u frustrated that your in the friend zone constantly? are there universal truths that you have not been enlightened with? if so they can be easily provided, for there are many.
With me, i try not to be friends with the opposite sex, its pointless and frustrating (especially wen u see them going out with either quasimodo's or just idiots with sub-human intelligence). Of course i have a few platonic female friends, and i love em like sisters, but as you may guess that was never my intention initially.
What im trying to say is, if you find yourself in the friend zone, sometimes its just better to cut your losses and not suffer emotionally as you watch them hurt themselves by going out with people who are on par with trolls both intellectually and physically.
hope that helps. If not, be more specific.
martin from bk.
P.S. call me martin
Roxy - Well, I went with a low-cut v-neck black t-shirt, some cute jeans - and the shirt was just short enough that when I sat down and the jeans gapped a little at the back, the thong and tattoo were slightly visable. I even went for the shiny clear lip gloss (hey, if I'm gonna bother, might as well give it a good effort, right?). Turns out that the guy was extremely cute - but very quiet...so I don't really know how it went. Have to wait for my friend to get home and let me know how the conversation at work went this afternoon. He seemed very nice (from what I could tell) - and my friend just raves about him...so, we'll hope for the best I guess. It was a nice lunch - and he sat next to me (strategically planned by the friend, of course). A few times his leg moved over and touched mine (a bit too often to be unintentional I think) - but who knows. Not that anyone probably cares but I'll give you updates as they develop if you want.
Martin - thanks for clearing that up. I'll keep your lesson in mind when/if the opportunity arises for fun sex with a mindless ogre. Problem is, I tend to be rather blunt and am not really great at nodding and smiling when they are babbling bafoons. I am a little too outspoken and tend to call a moron a moron. As is probably common to the jeans/hoodie/ball cap/one-of-the-guys club, I get comments like "you'd be the perfect woman if I wasn't __(married, taken, old)__" - really, if I hear that one more time.....
you remind me of me wen i was in junior high, always calling people out on their shortcommings. Ive grown more introvert over the years, tending to keep my opinions to my self, it helps keep people and things in persepective. I never said it was easy to ignore stupidity, but if you want happy pants time then its something you must do. Many a time have i been sitting across/next to/near some girl and while she spouts her verbal diarhea i just wanna grab a chair and smash her face in with it. Most of the time i dont, sometimes i just start verbally abusing them until they cry (usually doesnt take more than 2-3 minutes anyway) it really brings me back to them good old days where i said whatever the fuck i wanted no matter who wanted or didnt want to hear it, usually ending in someone crying (man or woman).
You sound like a cool girl, its too bad im.... lmao
forgot to add something
like a typical girl, your reading too much into the guy. He probably just touched your leg numerous times by accident. Now the fact that he's constantly moving around due to him being nervous, is a whole different story.
Thanks for the insight Martin...don't worry - I wasn't really getting overly excited - with my luck, I never do. Although, why would he be nervous? That's stupid. We were in a group of 8 people, everyone except me he works with every day. Boys are dumb. I'm sure of it now. LOL!
Whether or not I'm a cool girl, I don't know - I am fun though! Too bad you're.....
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