Wisdom from Blondie!

Have you ever met two people that were so close that the only words that could accurately used to describe them were “Corey” and “Shawn” (or, alternatively, “Turk” and “JD”)? Were they female? Were they having a highly sexual conversation? Filled with horrible, obvious puns and a unique social awkwardness? Congratulations! If you answered yes to all of the aforementioned questions, you ran into Kimmie and me! You should consider yourself lucky that we are generally nice girls who don’t make fun of guys and gals who are caught thinking about us in a sexual manner. It’s okay to fantasize; I would too if I saw the likes of our combined hotness. (Waiter! Could I get this humble pie in a to-go box? Thanks.)

Seriously, Kimmie is my best friend because she brings out the worst in me, and in order to celebrate the countdown to her drinking age, I am going to share with you some of the wisdom I have learned from my best friend.

10) You can rationalize anything and re-invent your personal history if you try hard enough. “What? I never hit on the creepy red head. That was bizzaro Roxy. What makes you think real Roxy would be that desperate? Come on now, I’m too smart for something that ‘special.’”

9) Your best friend will understand if you gave your last cookie to some cute guy from English class. This gives them the right to tease you mercilessly if your plan backfires because even the most delicious cookies can’t compete with overly willing blondes.

8) Everything can be solved with manners or violence. Or “If someone has the crayon you want, ask first then hit ‘em if they say no.”

7) Everything can be forgiven. Except felonies.

6) No matter how horrible a pun I make, Kimmie will laugh. Even if she doesn’t get it the first time, she’ll still laugh eventually. An example of the horror:
Kimmie (while playing pool): “I suck at this game.”
Roxy: “That’s okay Kimmie, I suck too.”
Kimmie: “We both suck.”
Roxy: “If I suck, how come I don’t have a boyfriend?”
Kimmie: “What?”
Roxy: “If I suck, how come I don’t have a boyfriend?”
Kimmie: “Oh I get it! hahaha”

5) I should just suck it up and get unlimited text messaging. We should give my dad a big hand for getting a family plan and including his reddish-brown headed, problem middle child who doesn’t look anything like him. Yay paternity tests! (Just kidding, Dad. I know you’re the father of all Mom’s children. Please don’t turn my text messaging off.)

4) The best gift from a friend is often highly inappropriate and shouldn’t be opened around parents. Thank God we’re too poor to buy half the stuff we say we will.

3) Any person that doesn’t meet my best friend’s approval probably wasn’t worth it in the first place. Some of us had to learn this the hard way (like me). This could also be interpreted as “Don’t date creepy red-heads.”

2) You should never have to catch up with your best friend because you should already know via Facebook, Myspace, drunken phone calls, and e-mails. The sign of great friendship is a ring tone based on someone’s late-night rendition of any applicable song. Bonus points are awarded if it happens to be “You’ve got a friend in me!”

1) A real relationship is not about fun and games. It’s about love, caring, and mutual domestic violence. Nothing says love like matching bite marks and battle wounds.

Oh, and I should mention that I’m keeping her real birthday present hostage if only so I can see her face when she opens it.

Sincerely,
Roxy

P.S. By the way, Kimmie, your boyfriend gets my approval, and the FN Rockets will kick The Stellers ass.

P.P.S. Who’s gonna end up in last place because she doesn’t fully understand the mechanics of fantasy baseball? I am!

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