A Nice Little Surprise Inside

The absolutely only reason for this post ever existing is this little tidbit I got in the old inbox:

who r u?

Now that may or may not have been sent from some poor kid who goes through old chain letters, copies and pastes other people’s e-mail addresses to his address book, and then sends them even more crappy chain letters just so he doesn’t suffer eight years of constipation, but since when do I care? Yes, coldwaterdouche@withcurry.com, you may thank me for all those mailings from PETA, various sites like PETA, and a bestiality message board. What can I say? I like to cover all the bases for my victims, I mean, friends.

It does pose a good question. Who the Hell is this chick? Did she just pop out of left field or something? I could answer these questions, but that would ruin the sweet mystery. Once the mystery is gone so is our love affair, and who would want that to end? You know besides me.

I could tell you that I’m just a relatively sweet girl who likes to bake cookies, but that would be a lie and not very sincere now would it? The reality is I’m a bitchy, flirtatious, bisexual baker with too much time on her hands. Oh, I’m also a sexy geek. Not the “I’m so much smarter than you” geek (although, we could argue that I am smarter than you), but the “Yes I play video games” geek. I wouldn’t suggest trying to pull off the look of a sexy geek. Many people have tried and failed, and you don’t look like the “type”.

Shit. Let’s rewind for a second.

.”epyt”ehtekilkoolt ’noduoydna,delia fdnadeirtevahelp oepynaM.keeg yxesafokoolehtffollu potgniyrttseggust’ndluowI.keeg“semagoedivyalpI seY”ehttub,(uoynahtretramsm aIthateugradluocew,hguohtla) dren“uoynahtretrams hcumosm’I”ehttoN .keegyxesaoslam’I,hO.sdnahrehnoe mit hcumoothtiwrek ablauxesib,souitatrilf ,yhctibam’Isiytile arehT?tidluowwone recnis-

…sincere now would it? The reality is I’m a bitchy, flirtatious, bisexual baker with too much time…

(Oh Noes! The gays are invading! Grab the rainbow-colored pitch-forks!) I’m only mentioning it now because sooner or later it will come up. Whether it is from girlfriend, partner in crime, or um… intoxicated post, it will be mentioned. Hell, it might even be an intoxicated comment from a girlfriend about the sexual slurs slung by my only partner in crime and how she wishes I would just be a little more committed. Look, I refuse to be your baby momma, Sugar Snack’ums. If you want a double bridal shower so badly, you can just go to Vermont where you belong! I’m sorry I yelled at you, Honey. No, really, don’t be upset. I should work on my fear of commit- what the Hell do you mean get back in the kitchen? If I can butcher a cow, I can sure as Jesus’ hooker butcher you, Heifer.

What about anger issues? I don’t see any anger issues. Do you see any anger issues? I didn’t think so.

Sincerely,
Roxy

P.S. Of course, I could easily be an eighty year old man with a hankering for young men and fur suits. I guess you’ll just have to trust me.

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