Back from Spring Break and
didn’t get any? Stuck at home on Christmas Break without a pink
cushion? Pondering another weekend without poontang? You’re probably
asking what is wrong with yourself. Well let me tell you what’s
wrong—you’re being yourself. That’s right you heard me. You suck.
You know why you suck? Because you’re not a badass like me. Here’s
some tips on transforming yourself into the stud your mother always
feared.
1.First things first.
You’re name isn’t Todd, Paul or Doug. It’s now either
Razor or Sexy Fuck. And you’re not taking psychology or
business. You tell her you’re undeclared because you didn’t notice
the department for Cool Motherfuckers when you first enrolled.
2.Look down at what
you’re wearing.
'Cause if you’re hot shit then you’d be wearing nothing but a
leather jacket and joggers. Chicks dig the leather and
joggers show you don’t give a fuck about anything.
You bet your ass he's wearing
joggers.
3. Get a tattoo. And I’m not
talking about some
pussy tattoo like a dolphin or a banana. Get a fucking snake
stabbing a blind chick. This shows you’re dangerous and live life on
the edge.
4.Show her you’re not only a badass, but a badass with a
sensitive side: tell her that late at night you think about
angels 'n shit.
5. At random times just lean over and whisper “I love you baby”
in her ear. Then immediately lean over in her other ear and say
“whatever." I swear she’ll get wet right there.
6.If a girl asks: What do you do? Answer: I give hot
fuckin’ foot massages.
7.Buy her a beer. Then when she gets it. Take it out
of her hands and without saying anything slowly drink the whole
thing at once while keeping eye contact with her the whole time. You
just mentally raped her and she’ll go crazy.
8.Want to know by now if she’s into you? Light up a cig.
Ask her if she wants one. If she accepts then take a long haul and
slowly blow it in her face. If she’s diggin’ you she’ll actually try
and smoke that shit.
Well there you have it boys. You can thank me later after you bang
your lucky lady. Now if you don’t mind, my boyz just showed up.
We’re going to go play some laser tag!!
