College Quotes

Thousands of dumb, funny, and amusing college quotes submitted daily by students everywhere and immortalized in one place for greater shame and reflection.

Guy at The National Family Association for Deaf-Blind Convention: Why did people give Ray Charles such a hard time? The man had no eyes!
Henri: Technically yes, but you can't say Christopher Reeve had legs, or for that matter arms, toes, or a career. They should have let Ray snort, suck, inject, fuck, slit, cut anything his musically talented ass wanted!
GATNFAFDBC: They did. And he died.
Henri: Oh. Well thank God more people aren't blind.
GATNFAFDBC: What about the hard of hearing?
Henri: Fuck 'em.
GATNFAFDBC:How can you say that?
Henri: Because I don't see an interpreter around. That's one of the benefits of not being Ray Charles.

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"There are three things I can guarantee every U of I Asian brings. One, a brand new iPod, even if they already have the same model because like Henry VIII, Asians think new is better. Two, brand new iPhone because again bright lights and status are everything. You'd think so too if there were 3 billion other people who look and smelled just like you. And three, the entire new line of North Face apparel. North Face is to a recently U of I accepted Asian as Swarovski crystal is to a newlywed couple."
-Doug, on the University of Illinois College of Engineering

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: Dad, why am I always a disappointment to you!
Henri's Dad: You're not a disappointment you're just not mine, that's all.
-On ultimate shortcomings

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"I get into a lot of accidents. I am a bad driver. But it's not my fault! My car just runs on estrogen."
-Eric, on alternative fuel

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Eric: In the caveman days if you called a girl fat, she got angry just like they normally do, but then you ate her 'cause back than cavemen didn't take NO shit. Fuck, they lived in a cave, and then some bitch wants to start some shit up? Fuck that, ain't no way he's going hunting now.
Henri: Having girl problems?
Eric: Oh figured that out did you? Real fucking smart...
-On early eating disorders

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Friend: Hey man that girl right there is a hot mess. I think I'm going to try get her.
Henri: Dude, don't, she looks young.
Friend: So?
Henri: You know what they say, 15 will get you 20.
-On statutory rape reminders

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"I feel uneasy knowing that the first person who makes contact with intergalactic life is likely to have bad social skills."
-Eric, on space manners

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: What the hell is that?!
Roommate: Grilled cheese.
Henri: Looks like you jizzed on a girl's golden tooth!
Roommate: You say tomato, I say tamoto.
-On colloquial sandwiches

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: Why are concerts performed always in the dark?
Eric: Because if you actually saw what the band was doing you'd realize how lame and unentertaining it really was.
Henri: That and intoxicated people hate bright lights.
Eric: Right.
Henri: Right.
-On the real Behind the Music

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"It is legal to have a gun, but you can't just go out and shoot. Same with my wife - I own one but I never get to use it."
-Henri's Dad, forecasting marriage truths

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"I always thought I would be a good ninja on account of I love body-suits."
-Eric, on uniform prerequisites

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"Cheryl, dare I ask, 'Are you moist?' And that's how I met your mother. Now go to sleep."
-Henri, recalling the bedtime stories he received from his dad

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Eric: The only real humor is smart humor.
Henri: Smart humor?
Eric: Yes, smart humor, like, "From the stories I've heard, it sounds to me like Jesus didn't get nailed to the cross, he got screwed."
Henri: Yeah, I still think it’s funny to say "tittycocks."
-On simple pleasures

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Frat Guy #1: I took the trash out last night.
Frat Guy #2: What corner did you dump it?
Frat Guy #1: Fourth and Armory. She took a cab.
(Back at the dorm later)
Trashy Girl: He was so nice! And sensitive!
Trashy Girl's Roommate: Does he have a friend?!
-On coming full circle

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"Ah cocaine, the whiter it is, the darker I feel."
-Doug, on purity

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"Statistics tell us that the average penis length is 5 to 6 inches but that's only because over 60% of the world population is Asian."
-Henri, on average indicators

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"I like my women how I like my chicken. Big thighs, big breasts, no neck, no head, and a large cavity. And saggy skin I can deal with."
-Henri, on optimal feature sets

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: And for eighty grand I get what?
Advisor: A piece of paper.
Henri: ....
Advisor: It's actually a really nice piece of paper.
-On the essence of glorified resume paper

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"Yeah she is such a nice girl, a real sweetheart; reminds me of a young Florrie Fisher."
-Henri's friend, describing his girlfriend

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"Yo baby, you can be a honky and be hung like a donkey."
-Henri, defending his roots at a party

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Eric: Dude she is tri-sexual. Sexually she'll try anything once.
Henri: I thank God every day for allowing you to date her lab partner.
-Henri, on why he started to date his girlfriend

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: I am going to be a terrorist.
Doug: K.
Henri: Yeah, I've already started.
Doug: Really?
Henri: Yeah, I've been working the past two months, waiting for my story to be on the news. I can see it now, "Breaking News Story: Five U.S. Officials have been killed this morning by a new national threat 'The Anthrax Emailer.'"
Doug: How the hell are you going to send anthrax through email?
Henri: A-N-T-H-R-A-X.
Doug: You're going to type it? How is that going to kill someone?
Henri: Shock is a very powerful emotion. They made it a medical condition after all.

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Biology Professor: Cancer is for pussies.
Girl #1: "That" can get cancer too??
Girl #2: And I thought I only had to worry about breast cancer! It's not fair!
Henri: That's right ladies, use it while it's hot. May I make a suggestion?
-On taking advantage of limited resources

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

Henri: So why is is that we skipped Christmas that one year?
Henri's Dad: The "Real" North Pole operations. Elves are slaves, Santa is racist. White slaves get treated better than others. Look deeper in the pictures. The truth exists. You just need to look.
-After finding out his dad spent the Christmas money on another venture: his secret second family

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

"18 isn't too young. It's just right. Naive, but developed."
-Fitz, on the way he likes his women

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
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