College Quotes

"Santa Monica College is, like, so stupid. I mean, O to the M to the G, their slogan '#1 in transfers' is like totally telling the world that nobody wants to stay at their school. That's like Marketing 101: avoid negative publicity."
-From a sixth year senior at UCLA

Frank: I am Guillermo Sanchez, great grandson of the Mexican desperado Don Juan Diego Sanchez, you may have heard of him.
Meaghan: See, I don't believe that, mostly because someone just told me your name was Frank.
Frank: Goddammit.
-On unwanted shortcomings

"There is and never has been love. Only fingerblasting."
-Mike, on the hands-on romantic approach

"What happened to her face? Did she sleep on it wrong?"
-Elliott, on a girl in the dorm

"This sucks, I only know one guy with cystic fibrosis and he's a real asshole."
-Sean, on the wonders of fundraising

"Bye guys, see you at seven. Don't let the duck be idle. ...Oh come on, don't act like you haven't heard that one before."
-Garrard, creating his own brand of ancient wisdom

Kyle (holding new golf balls): Hey, Eddie, look at my balls.
Ed: What are you doing with those, you know Lynnie doesn't let you walk around by yourself with your balls.
-On his whipped friend

Jamie: That chick's wicked hot.
Scott: She kinda looks like a squirrel though.
Rory: She'll look even more like a squirrel with my nuts in her mouth.
-On cheeky additions

Henri: Does she go to school in Pomona?
Eric Does she suck a mule under Corona?
Henri: What?
Eric: What?
-Two deafs don't make a right

"A holiday is an occasion where everyone you have ever known and loved ridicules you for being a failure, you occasionally cry uncontrollably, and sometimes those who ridicule eat your food, justified by the fact that you are STILL a failure."
-Henri, on no room for celebration

Rob: I thought everyone was going to the Dog's Bullocks?
Kyle: Well, no one's leaving yet.
Rob: Guess we'll have to pull the fire alarm to get everyone out. Why do we have to be the responsible ones all the time?
-On sparking a movement

"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each other and end up producing ugly, noisy, gargoyle-like children. The genetic deformities inherent in the hideous smiles of their children only indicate the fact that they, like their parents, have NO FUTURES."
-Wesley, on the usefulness of dating

Dave (emerging from his room): What time is it?
Oli: 12.
Dave: ...which 12?
-After a big night out

Joe: This is terrible! There's a tiny letter J in my anus!
Rob: That is bad! The only letters that should be up there are a series of O's.
-After Joe got a coat hanger up his ass

Andy: Now if any of you are a renaissance scholar....yes, Rob.
Rob: Okay, when you say renaissance scholar, do you mean someone with an education of the renaissance, or a scholar from the renaissance? Because I'm pretty sure the latter is impossible without a time machine.
-On being wise beyond your years

Jordan: This is why I need a girlfriend.
Karina: Then mail order one.
Jordan: I don't think the post office accepts packages that big. Coincidentally, that same rule bans me from every post office in the continental United States.
Karina: What about Alaska and Hawaii?
Jordan: Too cold and I'm banned from Hawaii for other reasons.
-On special deliveries

*BEEP BEEP*
Adrienne: What's in the microwave?
Brooke: No idea, I think Lauren's making cheese...
Adrienne: How is she making cheese in the microwave?
Brooke: No idea, prolly because she is fat and weird...
Adrienne: Fucking Lauren.
(5 minutes go by)
Brooke: ...Actually, I think I'm making cheese.
-Microwaving mac 'n cheese on 4/20

Professor: This is the Duomo. It's the largest, central cathedral in Florence. You can catch glimpses of it in many parts of the city. It's meant to be imposing, to convey power, and Florence built it as a statement of status.
Frank: I could swear I scaled up that thing in Assassin's Creed.
-When new school meets old school

Giles: This is a pretty bro goodbye.
Frank: Yeah. Are we good friends? Yes. Were we roommates for the past year? Yes. Am I not going to see you again until September? Yes. But will I help you drag your luggage downstairs? Hell no.
-On the limits of pro-bromo

"I find it delightfully amusing to observe the ever-shining and radiant sparkle of hope in the eyes of the youthful and energetic students who occupy my classroom...fully realizing that that naive hope will flicker out permanently like a candle in a belligerent rainstorm once they graduate."
-Wesley, on the deviously predictable downfall of his students

Dandrew: Jeez Frank, another burp? Keep it classy.
Frank: A man should never apologize for burping, farting, or masturbating.
-On the amended bro code

"Who goes to church anyways? Soon everyone's gonna be like fuck church, fuck God...but I still go to church."
-Sarah, on religious trending

Mattie: Would you still be my friend if my arm fell off?
Christian: Fuck no.
Mattie: What if yours fell off?
Christian: Maybe.
-On tentative friendship

"I have to pee so bad it feels like I'm gonna give birth to a urine-child."
-Ali, breaking the seal

"School is like a social rat race. The one with the prettiest fur is the most liked. While the deformed one finds the cheese first. But fuck being deformed."
-Mattie, on the importance of social grooming