Monday, December 10

Nick: Whoa! That girl looks like 5 people I know!
Ray: You know 5 people that look that much alike?!
Nick: NO! ...But she looks like ALL OF THEM!
-High, how are you?
University of Nebraska at Omaha

Steff: Isn't this TLC?
Doo: Yeah...except one of them is dead.
Steff: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Doo: So now it's like...TC.
Steff: Oh right, like the car.
-Trying to make sense after a long night
Ramapo College

James: Dude that blonde chick was so retarded!
Ian: Wait, the hot one?
James: The retarded one.
Ian: Fuck, she was retarded?!?
-Baked out at CVS after an actual retarded person walked by
Ohio State University

Nate: You wouldn't understand.
Kate: Yeah, I have no idea how that would feel. Ooh, I'm typing slow with one hand.
Nate: ....
Kate: Oh, I'm eating a burrito!
Nate: Just not with your mouth?
-The night took a turn for the weird
UCLA Law

Rory: There was a lot of shit like that that went on you know?
Professor DuBois: Can you tell me about a particular piece of shit that interested you?
-During a class discussion
University of California, Los Angeles

"Dude, What the fuck happened last night?"
-Jason, on uncommon first words after being bailed out of jail
Texas Tech University

"You guys are making turnover after turnover! It's building on itself! Like a snowman, which I tried to build last Sunday."
-Coach, during a timeout tirade
Elysium University

Jason: She got freaky in yo 64 and I skeeted in her throat.
Brian: That's cool.
Jason: Werd. Because it's not herpes if it's everywhere.
Brian: Werd.
-What?
Texas Tech University

Hunt: Are you supposed to be Captain Hook?
Jess: Yea! (Lifts wire hook into view)
Hunt: You look more like Captain Back-Alley-Abortion.
-Costumes gone terribly wrong
Williams College

Friday, December 7

"Dude, we're so high we're watching MTV music videos on mute..."
-Rob, during a trip to cloud nine
University of Michigan

"I'm not into anal because I'm not a pervert. Wait, I am a pervert. But I'm not nasty. No, I am nasty... I'm just not into that!
-Bob, on why he won't have anal sex
Johns Hopkins University

“If you ever go on vacation in the Deep South, you have to go ride the underground railroad. All the tunnels are still intact and working.”
-Professor Quittman, testing the limits of sarcasm
Seattle University

John: Mike, where's your liver?
Mike: Right there (points to his side).
John: That's what hurts!
-Drunken anatomy lesson
University of Alberta

Stacey: Jodie have you ever done that stuff? (referring to a movie scene)
Jodie: Done what stuff?
Stacey: Like pot and crack and stuff.
Jodie: No, but I've always wanted to.
Stacey: You've wanted to?
Jodie: Yeah, I've always been really interested in pottery....
-Confessing secret hobby desires after several glasses of wine
Radford University

Jessie: I want to spend more time with you.
Nate: I want to spend more time in...I mean WITH you.
-On how to spend quality time with your girlfriend
Johns Hopkins University

"Get out cocoa, shortening, hashish-- whatever the hell you put in brownies."
-Professor C, on baking
Oklahoma City University

"I wish gay guys and lesbians could switch. I mean, gay guy sex is gross and lezbos are hot, and dikes hate men and gay dudes love'em."
-EarthQuake Jake, pondering role reversals
Northcentral University

Jen: You are so gonna fuck that guy tonight.
Brookie: Fuck no! I will not fuck him unless I'm really drunk and have VERY good beer goggles on.
-Brookie, who later had sex with that guy
Kent State University

“That way in case I’m found like....in a snake pit dead. and they were talking to the guy I was dating at the time who had killed me and he was like ‘That’s so sad about Molly. She always wanted to...go in a snake pit....’ and then detectives would be all ‘Mhmm, yeah, umm according to her list of fears, snakes was #1, so like...why would she want to go in a snake pit? You’re under arrest, you sick bastard.”
-Molly, on why she has a list of her fears for CSI saved on her computer
Seattle University

Thursday, December 6

“They’re like the Dahm triplets…outta our league, ‘cept every now and then you get to rape one.”
-Jon, on Cuban cigars
Buena Vista University

"Baseball...you know...like throwing a blowfish at your friend with a samurai sword."
-Jim, on seafood metaphors at dinner
Purdue University

"It's a penis, you can't go wrong with a penis."
-Orlando, referring to the resemblance of a building
Georgia Tech University

Amber: Wow. You look really different.
Sunny: Thanks, do you like it?
Amber: Yeah. But you look scary.
Sunny: I thought I looked scarier with the goatee.
Amber: This is more date-rape scary.
-Commenting on the shaved head
University of Akron

Steph: They didn't have a keg, it was like a refrigerator with a tap.
Reebs: Oh, a kegerator?
(stunned silence)
Rosie: Crickets in my ears, but I still understand what you're saying.
-Drunken descriptions at 4 in the morning
University of Michigan

Diego: Afterward, she said, "I think you killed it..."
Frank: Yeah, someone should report a stabbing!
-Diego, discussing post-coital pillow talk after vigorous drunken sex with a random girl
University of Texas San Antonio

"They shouldn't call this game GTA: San Andreas. They should call it Grand Theft Auto: Yeah, You Black Now."
-Rich, on race games
University of Florida

Donna: I love my body.
Kyle: WHY?
-Oops
University of Mary Washington

TA: Can anyone give an example of an individual or group that can be described by a set of data?
Tracy: What about race? You know, like males and females?
TA: Uhh.. you mean gender, but, yeah...
-Discussion during Stats 200
University of Kentucky

Police Officer: You need to call two friends to come and get you.
Christine: Why two friends??
Police Officer: One to drive your car and one to drive the car they got here in.
Christine: Oh good idea. Now where am I going to find to sober friends?
-Sarcastically quipping back to the cop after getting pulled over for drunk driving
College of Saint Rose