College Quotes
"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each other and end up producing ugly, noisy, gargoyle-like children. The genetic deformities inherent in the hideous smiles of their children only indicate the fact that they, like their parents, have NO FUTURES."
-Wesley, on the usefulness of dating
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About NG Hatfield
Hometown
Happenstance, PA
School
Allegheny College
At a Glance
My sense of humor can be summarized with one joke:
Q: Why does 6 hate 7?
A: Because 7 8 out 9.
Recent Comments
Operation Wingman: Saving Private Philip
By NG Hatfield | Sep 27, 2006
| Comments (5) | Submit an article |
The Hilarious, Fucked up Happenings of Last Night
(if you don't wanna read all of this, AT LEAST skip to Act III, Scene 1)
Act I, Scene 1: A Bar
Phil: Hey, that short girl over there is hot
Me: go hit on her
Phil: okay!
(Phil goes over, talks to Bitch #1)
(Bitch #1's friends #2 and #3 come over and talk to Shaun and I)
Enter Phil again
Phil: So, we've got to take them home.
Shaun: No way in hell
Enter #1 again
#1: So you guys are gonna give us a ride
Phil: Sure
Exeunt
Act I, Scene 2: Outside said bar
Me: So you've got a boyfriend
#3: Yes
Exeunt
Act II, Scene 1: A Pizza Place
Shaun: I'm really fucking glad we ditched those bitches, heh. They obviously were just looking for a ride home.
Phil: I thought she was into me, man.
Me: No way in hell does a girl come up, talk to you for 5 minutes then ask for a ride home...AND not tell you that she has a boyfriend. It's pretty cut and dry to me man. They all have boyfriends and they're trying to fuck us over
Enter Bitches+ 1 Boyfriend
Bitch #1: Hey! We found you!
Bitch #2: We still need a ride
Me: Okay, we'll give you a ride
(Nick acts like he's taking a call, acts upset that his "girlfriend" broke up with him, and calls a meeting outside)
(Phil, Shaun and Nick walk outside)
Me: On the count of three we run...1...2...3...
(The three run to Shaun's car)
Exeunt
Act III, Scene 1: Shaun's Car
Me: That bitch gave you her number right?
Phil: Yeah...
Me: Gimme your phone
(Phil hands Nick the phone)
(Nick dials girls...no answer)
Voicemail: You have reached ###-####, please leave a message after the tone
Me: (in Phil's voice): Hi, this is uh..Phil..and we're like sorry...our friend Nick left and we ran after him...but--
SIKE! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT. YOU THINK WE'RE THAT STUPID THAT WE CAN'T TELL WHEN A BITCH JUST NEEDS A RIDE. HAHAHAH. HEY SHAUN SAY SOMETHING
Shaun: BLAH!
Me: YOU HEAR THAT YOU STUPID CUNT? THAT'S DRIVER FOR "WE GOTTA RIDE"
AND YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE A DRIVER? CUZ I'M NOT A STUPID CUNT..AHHH-HAHAHAHA, AHHH-HAHAHA.
Voicemail:You have ten seconds to complete your message.
Me: TEN SECONDS?! WELL THAT'S FINE CUZ IN TEN SECONDS CAR TIME, I'LL BE ANOTHER HALF MILE TOWARDS HOME AND YOUR DRUNK ASS WILL HAVE BEEN 4 FEET. I HOPE YOU LIKE THE WALK, YOU STUPID CUNT! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
(Nick hangs up the phone)
Shaun: I think they just got owned.
Phil: They're gonna fucking hate me...
Exeunt
Yep, a valuable lesson indeed.
The Hilarious, Fucked up Happenings of Last Night
(if you don't wanna read all of this, AT LEAST skip to Act III, Scene 1)
Act I, Scene 1: A Bar
Phil: Hey, that short girl over there is hot
Me: go hit on her
Phil: okay!
(Phil goes over, talks to Bitch #1)
(Bitch #1's friends #2 and #3 come over and talk to Shaun and I)
Enter Phil again
Phil: So, we've got to take them home.
Shaun: No way in hell
Enter #1 again
#1: So you guys are gonna give us a ride
Phil: Sure
Exeunt
Act I, Scene 2: Outside said bar
Me: So you've got a boyfriend
#3: Yes
Exeunt
Act II, Scene 1: A Pizza Place
Shaun: I'm really fucking glad we ditched those bitches, heh. They obviously were just looking for a ride home.
Phil: I thought she was into me, man.
Me: No way in hell does a girl come up, talk to you for 5 minutes then ask for a ride home...AND not tell you that she has a boyfriend. It's pretty cut and dry to me man. They all have boyfriends and they're trying to fuck us over
Enter Bitches+ 1 Boyfriend
Bitch #1: Hey! We found you!
Bitch #2: We still need a ride
Me: Okay, we'll give you a ride
(Nick acts like he's taking a call, acts upset that his "girlfriend" broke up with him, and calls a meeting outside)
(Phil, Shaun and Nick walk outside)
Me: On the count of three we run...1...2...3...
(The three run to Shaun's car)
Exeunt
Act III, Scene 1: Shaun's Car
Me: That bitch gave you her number right?
Phil: Yeah...
Me: Gimme your phone
(Phil hands Nick the phone)
(Nick dials girls...no answer)
Voicemail: You have reached ###-####, please leave a message after the tone
Me: (in Phil's voice): Hi, this is uh..Phil..and we're like sorry...our friend Nick left and we ran after him...but--
SIKE! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT. YOU THINK WE'RE THAT STUPID THAT WE CAN'T TELL WHEN A BITCH JUST NEEDS A RIDE. HAHAHAH. HEY SHAUN SAY SOMETHING
Shaun: BLAH!
Me: YOU HEAR THAT YOU STUPID CUNT? THAT'S DRIVER FOR "WE GOTTA RIDE"
AND YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE A DRIVER? CUZ I'M NOT A STUPID CUNT..AHHH-HAHAHAHA, AHHH-HAHAHA.
Voicemail:You have ten seconds to complete your message.
Me: TEN SECONDS?! WELL THAT'S FINE CUZ IN TEN SECONDS CAR TIME, I'LL BE ANOTHER HALF MILE TOWARDS HOME AND YOUR DRUNK ASS WILL HAVE BEEN 4 FEET. I HOPE YOU LIKE THE WALK, YOU STUPID CUNT! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
(Nick hangs up the phone)
Shaun: I think they just got owned.
Phil: They're gonna fucking hate me...
Exeunt
Yep, a valuable lesson indeed.
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