College Quotes
Jon: You know what? I hate the Colts. The only play in their playbook is the turnover. They turn the ball over on their own 30 yard line and see if they can capitalize on that.
Frank: Dude, maybe you just suck at Madden.
-On the root of the problem
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About Nick Gaudio
Hometown
Cumberland, Maryland
School
West Virginia University
At a Glance
Nick Gaudio attended THE West Virginia University. There, he was editor-in-chief of Calliope, the award-winning undergraduate literary journal. In his spare time, Nick liked to write, read, and show off his penis. He is currently working on a novel that incorporates all of these.
Recent Comments
Operation Wingman: Saving Private Philip
The Hilarious, Fucked up Happenings of Last Night
(if you don't wanna read all of this, AT LEAST skip to Act III, Scene 1)
Act I, Scene 1: A Bar
Phil: Hey, that short girl over there is hot
Me: go hit on her
Phil: okay!
(Phil goes over, talks to Bitch #1)
(Bitch #1's friends #2 and #3 come over and talk to Shaun and I)
Enter Phil again
Phil: So, we've got to take them home.
Shaun: No way in hell
Enter #1 again
#1: So you guys are gonna give us a ride
Phil: Sure
Exeunt
Act I, Scene 2: Outside said bar
Me: So you've got a boyfriend
#3: Yes
Exeunt
Act II, Scene 1: A Pizza Place
Shaun: I'm really fucking glad we ditched those bitches, heh. They obviously were just looking for a ride home.
Phil: I thought she was into me, man.
Me: No way in hell does a girl come up, talk to you for 5 minutes then ask for a ride home...AND not tell you that she has a boyfriend. It's pretty cut and dry to me man. They all have boyfriends and they're trying to fuck us over
Enter Bitches+ 1 Boyfriend
Bitch #1: Hey! We found you!
Bitch #2: We still need a ride
Me: Okay, we'll give you a ride
(Nick acts like he's taking a call, acts upset that his "girlfriend" broke up with him, and calls a meeting outside)
(Phil, Shaun and Nick walk outside)
Me: On the count of three we run...1...2...3...
(The three run to Shaun's car)
Exeunt
Act III, Scene 1: Shaun's Car
Me: That bitch gave you her number right?
Phil: Yeah...
Me: Gimme your phone
(Phil hands Nick the phone)
(Nick dials girls...no answer)
Voicemail: You have reached ###-####, please leave a message after the tone
Me: (in Phil's voice): Hi, this is uh..Phil..and we're like sorry...our friend Nick left and we ran after him...but--
SIKE! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT. YOU THINK WE'RE THAT STUPID THAT WE CAN'T TELL WHEN A BITCH JUST NEEDS A RIDE. HAHAHAH. HEY SHAUN SAY SOMETHING
Shaun: BLAH!
Me: YOU HEAR THAT YOU STUPID CUNT? THAT'S DRIVER FOR "WE GOTTA RIDE"
AND YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE A DRIVER? CUZ I'M NOT A STUPID CUNT..AHHH-HAHAHAHA, AHHH-HAHAHA.
Voicemail:You have ten seconds to complete your message.
Me: TEN SECONDS?! WELL THAT'S FINE CUZ IN TEN SECONDS CAR TIME, I'LL BE ANOTHER HALF MILE TOWARDS HOME AND YOUR DRUNK ASS WILL HAVE BEEN 4 FEET. I HOPE YOU LIKE THE WALK, YOU STUPID CUNT! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA
(Nick hangs up the phone)
Shaun: I think they just got owned.
Phil: They're gonna fucking hate me...
Exeunt
Yep, a valuable lesson indeed.
5 Comments
hahaha, fuckin great
I really liked the 'stupid cunt' part.
i really wish you could hear the message you left me. anyone know how to put a message on a computer file from a cell phone?
anyway, for everyone's reading pleasure, here's my word-for-word transcription of Gaudio's voicemail this night (picture a strong West Virginia accent to go with it):
COURT MAN, this is Gaudio. listen i wanna tell you a story aight. my friend was hittin on this bitch and he... SHE... was like... hittin on her and shit. she was like, "hey," and she was like, "hey can i get a ride home?" and we RAN FROM HER!!!
we were gonna re-enact it, but your dumbass is not picking up... and you are my editor and my brother... and i love you... with every ounce of my heart... shit... there's a red light...
LISTEN, gimme a call tomorrow and tell me this happened... because i'm soooooo fucked up right now... meditation and alcohol will fuck you up so bad... i'm so glad... i don't know.
[SCREAMING IN THE BACKGROUND] NOOO!! [INAUDIBLE SCREAMS] YOU'RE A NAIVE BITCH!! Listen we called her a dumb.... [YELLING TO SOMEONE] DRUUUUNK... ASSS HEEYY!!!
...ok, ill talk to you later cunt... court, HAHA
Court, if you saved it, I can get it in wav format.....
adam at southern96 dot com
Hmmmmm I think someone's mummy spanks him when he says rude words at home so he has to do it here to make up for it
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