Steroids and Carrots
Posted February 19th, 2008 by Nathan DeGraaf


I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. For the love of all that is decent, holy and fat-free, I could give two tiddlywinks worth of shit-stained rust who did steroids when.
I. Do. Not. Care.
Baseball is not ruined. It is pretty damn far from ruined. Baseball is a sport, a reflection of the people who watch it and the society in which they live. And the society in which they live is one that is filled with all kinds of medicinal enhancements. Whether it be plastic surgery, artificial limbs or even freaking Viagra, we are living in a world where people can use drugs to change their lives, and that's it. That's the end. Here, we can all just shrug and move on with our lives. There is risk. There is reward. There is a game going on. And there are millions of dollars at stake.
Those who hate steroids in baseball advocate lots of reasons to flush performance enhancing drugs out of the sport. They site the sanctity of the game, the validity of the statistics and the effects PED use would have on our children as major reasons that we should spend our valuable time worrying about steroid use in baseball. These reasons are all dumb. Let's assault them, shall we?
Ah yes, we shall.
What Sanctity of the Game?
Major League Baseball is a monopoly, free from anti-trust laws. Its owners run private companies with two sets of books (at least). Major League Baseball teams make millions upon millions from our collective fanaticism. Its players have thrown games, cheated, gambled, stolen and even murdered. There is no sanctity of this game. That's like saying that there is a sanctity to Canasta, or Monopoly or Dominoes. It ain't true.
I. Do. Not. Care.
Baseball is not ruined. It is pretty damn far from ruined. Baseball is a sport, a reflection of the people who watch it and the society in which they live. And the society in which they live is one that is filled with all kinds of medicinal enhancements. Whether it be plastic surgery, artificial limbs or even freaking Viagra, we are living in a world where people can use drugs to change their lives, and that's it. That's the end. Here, we can all just shrug and move on with our lives. There is risk. There is reward. There is a game going on. And there are millions of dollars at stake.
Those who hate steroids in baseball advocate lots of reasons to flush performance enhancing drugs out of the sport. They site the sanctity of the game, the validity of the statistics and the effects PED use would have on our children as major reasons that we should spend our valuable time worrying about steroid use in baseball. These reasons are all dumb. Let's assault them, shall we?
Ah yes, we shall.
What Sanctity of the Game?
Major League Baseball is a monopoly, free from anti-trust laws. Its owners run private companies with two sets of books (at least). Major League Baseball teams make millions upon millions from our collective fanaticism. Its players have thrown games, cheated, gambled, stolen and even murdered. There is no sanctity of this game. That's like saying that there is a sanctity to Canasta, or Monopoly or Dominoes. It ain't true.
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All those who believe that Major League Baseball has sanctity need to be beaten with carrot sticks until properly bruised (I vote a dark purple, but I guess we can debate that later). And with no sanctity to preserve, how can we care about the stats?
Valid for What?
If I hear one more barstool-sticking asshole tell me that steroids ruin the validity of statistics and records in sports, I will stick my bruise-breaking carrot collection in his fucking face. Statistics are reflective of work within an era, and we are in the steroid era. Thus, the statistics have merely evolved. Much like we have dead ball era stats, we now have steroid era stats. See, nice and neat and wrapped with a little bow. Can we all move on now?
Tell your Children I have a Carrot for Them
Steroids are bad. Baseball players are role models. Therefore, baseball player should not be allowed to do steroids. Or use chewing tobacco. Or have unprotected sex. Or cuss. Or smoke pot. Or laugh at the failings of others. You see where I'm going with this? If your children can't tell the difference between right and wrong, they will fuck up, and eventually someone will kill them, which eases the tax burden on us working folks. The circle of life and all that.
Steroids in baseball are not the end of the world, they're hardly even a big deal. Certainly, congress has more important issues to address than whether or not some big doofus shot steroids into his ass before going out and whipping a ninety mile an hour ball of leather past some other steroid-shooting doofus. Life's too short and drugs too common.
Let it go.
Free us from this debacle. We may now know the horrible truth.
But we still just want to see some dingers.
Valid for What?
If I hear one more barstool-sticking asshole tell me that steroids ruin the validity of statistics and records in sports, I will stick my bruise-breaking carrot collection in his fucking face. Statistics are reflective of work within an era, and we are in the steroid era. Thus, the statistics have merely evolved. Much like we have dead ball era stats, we now have steroid era stats. See, nice and neat and wrapped with a little bow. Can we all move on now?
Tell your Children I have a Carrot for Them

Steroids are bad. Baseball players are role models. Therefore, baseball player should not be allowed to do steroids. Or use chewing tobacco. Or have unprotected sex. Or cuss. Or smoke pot. Or laugh at the failings of others. You see where I'm going with this? If your children can't tell the difference between right and wrong, they will fuck up, and eventually someone will kill them, which eases the tax burden on us working folks. The circle of life and all that.
Steroids in baseball are not the end of the world, they're hardly even a big deal. Certainly, congress has more important issues to address than whether or not some big doofus shot steroids into his ass before going out and whipping a ninety mile an hour ball of leather past some other steroid-shooting doofus. Life's too short and drugs too common.
Let it go.
Free us from this debacle. We may now know the horrible truth.
But we still just want to see some dingers.







10 Comments
I might argue that, re: "the steroid era", the dead ball era affected all upstanding players equally, whereas the steroid era unfairly prejudices those who cheat. Do players who don't use steroids get their numbers inflated? Or do they get thrown out, like the proverbial baby with the bathwater?
Interesting post though.
I'd like to think that our recent conversation had a hand in the dingers reference, but that's just me.
Don't your politicians have more important things to focus on than who took what when?
Like the current financial crisis, various wars, an incompetent president, a farcical election process etc etc.
I'd seriously question why this type of commission has even been set up.
Comparing the dead ball era to current times isn't exactly fair. The dead ball era was caused by factors primarily outside a players control.
1.Ballparks were bigger; Ebbets Field was almost 500ft to centre, and 400ft to left.
2. The ball was used too long. The ball wouldn't be replaced until it was beginning to wear. In that time the ball became softer and dirtier, making it hard to hit. Also, this was an advantage to pitchers, as a worn ball would curve much more than a new ball.
3. The foul strike rule was adapted at the start of the dead ball era.
4. The spitball was allowed. Pitchers were allowed to put all kinds of shit on the ball.
Now I'm not saying I don't agree with you for the most part Nate. But I think the bigger concern is where congress thinks this is something they sould concern themselves with. They're on the verge of economic recession have been at war for the past 6 years or so, yet are sticking their communitative noses in MLB's business. Fucking brilliant.
P.S. - Nate, thanks for Rolen....and Eckstein.
What I don't understand is, where does congress derive the authority to conduct investigations into MLB? Is this written down somewhere? Are all sports subject to this same government oversight?
I've been confused for a while but unwilling to do any research.
court: pro sports are legal monoplies so they have anti trust exemptions which allows for government oversight to some degree. The pro sports owners have to (you'll love the pun) play ball, as it were.
Knowledge like that is why Nate has an assistant.
How about those of us that get pissed off when professional athletes start taking steroids just because they're violating the rules of the game? I don't really care about records/sanctity/child health very much, but I figure if a professional athlete is playing in a league and one of the rules of that league is "don't take steroids" then punishment, as determined by the controlling body of that league, is entirely appropriate.
OT, you are correct. But baseball didn't ban PEDs until two years ago and most of this shit happened long before that. All of Roger's allegations stem from years before PEDs were outlawed by the MLB.
I totally agree with your comment about how baseball players should not be allowed to have unprotected sex... Derek Jeter has shared his STDs with enough girls.
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