Health: the Nate Way

Recently, I was talking with a bartender I know named Ashley. She was sick and really pissed about it. She had bronchitis. I told her about my fearless editor, Court “That Bitch Better not be Ovulating” Sullivan, who also suffers from annual bouts with bronchitis. Ashley proceeded to tell me about all the other sicknesses she regularly encounters: mono, influenza and other various illnesses. Ashley then, as all good bartenders will, moved the subject back over to me, and asked me when I last had bronchitis.

“Never,” I responded.

“Never?” she asked. And she sounded pissed.

“I don’t get sick much,” I told her. “Which is a good thing, because when I do get sick I turn into a whiny bitch.”

“What about mono?”

“Never had it.”

“Do you get migraines?”

“Nope.”

“Well, do you ever get colds?”

“Once every couple of years.”

“I hate you,” she said, and then blew a wad of snot in my face.

“Thanks,” I said.

“Don’t mention it.”

Anyway, shortly after that less than pleasant exchange, Ashley left me alone with nothing more than a drink and the inspiration to write a guide to healthy living for all of you. After all, living life the Nate Way is more than just a state of mind, it’s also a state of health. Or some such shit.

Here is my five step guide to staying healthy:

Step 1: Never eat anything that comes in a box. When I go grocery shopping, I purchase only fresh fruits, vegetables and meats. I never eat cereal, frozen pizza or any of that other crap that comes in boxes. If women have taught me anything, it’s that you just can’t trust boxes.

Step 2: Expose yourself to filth. Never wash your tub or vacuum your floors. When you’re used to filth, most germs don’t stand a chance against you.

Step 3: Drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of tobacco. This way, your immune system is constantly challenged and when you do catch a germ, all you have to do is sober up for a few days and it’s like you become some kind of superior specimen of health.

Step 4: Unless seriously ill and hospitalized as a result, never take any medicine. And I mean any. When you get used to medicine and then you come to rely on it, you become another one of the pharmaceutical industry’s many junkies. And those people are meant to stay sick forever. It’s just good business.

Step 5: Drink a gallon of milk every 3 to 4 days. It keeps you young. Trust me.

So there you have it. My five step guide to a healthy life. You follow these steps and you can be just like me: free of the trappings of illness and disease.

And drunk. Very, very drunk.