Ten Things that Suck about Sleeping Around

Nothing on this planet is perfect. That’s part of its charm. And, if it follows that nothing is perfect, then it must follow that love is not perfect. I think Tina and Ike Turner would agree. But what the hell do I know? I went to the University of South Florida, after all. Anyway, if it follows that love is not perfect, then certainly lust is not perfect. And if lust is not perfect, then that means there must be a downside to a life filled with one night stands and empty, meaningless sex. Shocking, I know.

So now, because the voices in my head somehow managed to grow arms and are using them to play a drum roll, I offer you the top ten worst things about having sex with random women.

And to think, Dad wanted me to be a lawyer.

10. Being tired at work. Because of where I live (near a college) and who I primarily date (college-age chicks), I find myself awake and exhausted at 3am. And then I get to wake up at 7am to go to work. By the way, trying to wake up and subsequently kick out your average 21 year old chick at 7am is not easy. In fact, it makes me feel like the parent of a defiant teenager. God, I’m getting old.

9. Feeling old. Nothing makes you feel old like a young girl with a limited vocabulary and an infinite supply of energy.

8. One word: laundry.

7. That used feeling. You know what it’s like to fuck a girl, then hear her announce that she needs to go meet up with her boyfriend, then watch her leave quickly without so much as a goodbye, then take all the crap she left, put it in your “chick’s shit” drawer, pop a beer and turn on the ball game in an apartment that suddenly feels way too large and way too empty? That, my friends and cohorts, is that used feeling. And yes, assholes, this is my sensitive side. Fuck off.

6. Intermittently giving a crap. Probably one of the weirdest feelings in the world is waking up next to someone who you know you don’t like. Bonus points if you know she doesn’t like you. So there you are, two people who hate each other, having to behave civilly for the sake of the orgasms. I find the feeling eerily similar to being a team captain at grade school recess and picking a kid you totally hate for basketball, only because you know for a fact that you’ll win if he’s on the team. So what happens? You pass him the ball, you defend for him, you beat the crap out of the other team, hell the two of you may even shake hands afterwards. Shit, you may even compliment him on his level of play. But in the end, when the game is over, you’d just as soon he step on a rusty nail, get lockjaw and die. That’s the best way I can think of to describe the “intermittently giving a crap” feeling. One of my ex-fuck buddies, Sharon, is the perfect description of this phenomenon. She would show up, we would chat about current events while she took off her clothes, we would make love, and then, immediately after she was satisfied, she turned into a raging bitch from hell. Oh, and by the way, I just found out she’s getting married in September. Here’s a brief synopsis of that conversation:

Me: What you been up to? I’m single again.
Sharon: I’m getting married in September.
Me: Why?
Sharon: Jesus, I hate you.

Anyway (and yes, I’m aware that I’m babbling), the whole “I have to be nice to you even though I hate you only ‘cause we’re having sex” feeling of intermittently giving a crap gets old. I guess even men want to at least like the people we’re sleeping with. Who knew?

5. Two words: pulled muscles.

4. Being a soulless, selfish asshole. Let’s face facts. Okay, fine then, I’ll face facts. The absolute fourth worst thing about sleeping around all the time is knowing for a fact that you have absolutely no interest in finding someone to love and reproduce with. No matter how much she gets off, how great she says you make her feel or where you hit her with your cum, that girl knows the absolute truth and so do you. And the truth is that though we’re all having fun here, we’re essentially lobotomizing our souls. Did I get too deep there? My bad.

3. Knowing how the other half lives. This cracks me up. No matter how many cheap, tawdry affairs I have, I know for a fact that I’m still happier than eighty percent of the people in relationships (and yes, that was my first time ever typing the word, tawdry—never thought I’d need that one). And that’s what makes sleeping around so fucking strange. I mean, when having no one is more likely to make you happy than having someone would… well, I mean, why bother, right?

2. Three words: Unwanted Pregnancy Scare.

1. And finally, the worst thing about sleeping around is the very real possibility of contracting VD. Twice a year, I go to the doctor and get two things checked out: my cholesterol (heart failure is my family’s particular brand of death) and the possibility of venereal disease. Twice a year, I hear the following sentence from Laura (my doctor’s assistant) on my voice mail: “Mr. DeGraaf, we just wanted to let you know that all the tests came back negative and your cholesterol is well within the normal range.” When I hear that sentence, not only do I do the Nate Dance (which is a combination of the Irish Jigg and the Chicken Dance and looks stupid as hell), but I also cross myself like a catholic, pump my fists into the air and let out a “woo hoo!” Those are two of the happiest days of each year, right there. I can only imagine the worst case scenario. And quite frankly, I don’t like thinking about it.

Look, I’m not gonna lie (I mean, I will; just not now). The truth is that sex feels great. We all know that. And, even more to the point, sex is probably the most enjoyable activity on the planet with the possible exception of skydiving, eating an awesome meal or snapping the neck of a daytime soap opera star. Nevertheless, the truth of the matter is that every damn thing on earth, no matter how great it seems, has a downside. I guess what I’m trying to say here is, getting laid just ain’t all that important in the grand scheme of things.

But, as my buddy Pythagoras was fond of saying before he joined the ministry (and you think I’m joking), there is nothing grand about the scheme of things.

Every stupid thing, in some way, shape and/or form sucks ass.

I will now go shave my face with a cheese grater.